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Crazy ex...better to never see kid again or keep 1/wk visitation?

My boyfriend's daughter's mother is a nut job. 11 felonies (google botox bandit), puts baby in danger, neglects her for 9 months, high speed cop chase with daughter in car, tried to baker act her twice, 7 hours worth of none stop suicidal calls/texts. That sums up about 5% of the craziness she has done. There is much more its unbelievable but I am just wondering in your opinion if it is better for his daughter to never see her again or countiune once a week visitation at a center? Does it confuse/hurt the daughter in the long run if she visits her once a week? I live with the daughter and my boyfriend and take care of her as my own. She loves me and looks up to me and knows that I resemble a motherly figure but she also "loves" her mommy and doesn't understand why she is in "time out". What is your opinion?!

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Karmaaaa

Asked by Karmaaaa at 9:21 PM on Apr. 19, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

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Answers (13)
  • that is a tough one. How old is the child?
    ZaTa

    Answer by ZaTa at 9:34 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • She's 4 and VERY very very smart/observant for her age...
    Karmaaaa

    Answer by Karmaaaa at 9:36 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • In my opinion it would matter how old the child is and how long she has had this visitation thing. If shes no more than two I would keep her away from the mother. She will eventually forget about her and move on with life. It's the mothers fault for doing the actions she has done. And just curious, but why isn't she in jail if she was convicted of ELEVEN felonies?!?!
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 9:37 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • I would talk to her about it. Ask her, does she like seeing mommy? Is she comfortable there? If she wants to keep seeing her I would let her and play it by ear very carefully.
    ZaTa

    Answer by ZaTa at 9:38 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • Ohhhh sorry I didn't see your post before I posted mine. I would continue the visits. If she hasn't changed AT ALL, or refuses to change completely, THEN I would have to keep her away from her mother. I would tell the mother SHE can explain why they can't see eachother anymore. And if she didn't/wouldn't then at a visit I would say, Now _____, you and mommy can talk about not seeing eachother anymore, and why. Leave it up to the mother. It is her decisions that are making her daughter wonder, not yours. I would do this if we had custody of my fiance's other son. =]
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 9:41 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • She loves seeing her mom but doesn't talk about her often. She had 2 visitations the past 2 sundays but before that it was 10 months since she saw the child. Last time she saw the child (10 moths ago) she was in the car with the child in the back seat calling my bf saying suicidal stuff and the cops had to have a high speed chase to get the child safe and she got arrested in front of her (child hates cops now). She tried suicide 2 nights ago and we tried to baker act her last night but she very manipulative and her parents talked the cops out of taking her. (court date may 7th, so this would have looked real bad even tho its still recorded). I would love for her to never see her again but my bf said he could never look his daughter in the eye and say he neglected her from her mother. Also she has been in jail plenty of times but gets bailed out somehow...plus 10 years probation
    Karmaaaa

    Answer by Karmaaaa at 9:43 PM on Apr. 19, 2009

  • as long as the visits are supervised and mom is not putting the child in danger I would not put myself in the position of taking mom away. YOu already said she loves her mom. I would go for sole custody, limited supervised visitation, and let her take herself out of the picture. Also not give in to her drama, when she starts threating to sucide just tell her she needs to talk to a crisis counselor not you guys... KEEP COPIES OF ALL INCIDENTS, TExts, e-mails etc.

    When it comes down to it later in life you don't want it to be you that took mom out, let mom mess herself up, keep daughter safe by keeping it supervised and keep loving her.
    MamiJaAyla

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 12:00 AM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • If it's court ordered visitation, your boyfriend doesn't have a choice in the matter.

    If the boyfriend wants to keep the daughter in contact with the mother, it's up to him.

    Your boyfriend needs to document everything and make sure he has copies of everything so if it comes to a point where he needs to go for full custody (if he hasn't already) he'll basically just have to walk in and be done with it. With all the legal trouble the mother has, it shouldn't be a problem right now anyway.

    If he doesn't have full custody already, he should go for it NOW. He can get visitation so it's "at his discretion" so he can keep it supervised and limited without having to go to court constantly to get it changed. That will also put it on the mother to have to prove she deserves to have any contact or scheduled visitation....if she wants any other than what your boyfriend wants to allow her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:01 AM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • cont...

    As for why "mommy is in time out"...Mommy made some very bad choices and did some bad things. Just like you have to go in time out when you make bad choices, so does mommy. The police had to put her there because of what she did."
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:02 AM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • He has had full custody for 2+ years now. She is trying to get supervised visitation and the supervisor would be the mom's mother (gma). Theres NO way that is happening with all of this going on plus my bf would never let that happen. The mom acts completely normal around people and her looks are deceiving. ANother visitation was suppose to happen yesterday (sunday) but the mom said she was too tired to go...thank god the child hasent asked about her mommy yet but this is the reasoning why I am getting frustrated is bc she pops in her life for 2 weeks then shes out again...Doesnt THAT have a negative affect on the child?? That is my main concern!

    My boyfriend has documented everthing since day one. So we are good there. THe child always asks us why mommy is in time out and our answer is there are rules big people have to follow too and you need to ask mommy why she is in time out next time you see her.
    Karmaaaa

    Answer by Karmaaaa at 10:02 AM on Apr. 20, 2009

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