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Why don't men have to change?


Why don't men have to change?
It seems its very natural for women to change when we have a baby but why isn't it the same for men? Beyond the chemical, hormonal changes. Why is it automatic that WE make the lunch, put them to bed, bath them, while they just live as before we had the child together? I am running into many times with my husband where things are just ended up where I take on everything. I know we need a talk about it, but I want to know just how common this is and what helps or when does it get better?

 
maxsmom11807

Asked by maxsmom11807 at 2:35 PM on Apr. 20, 2009 in Relationships

Level 29 (40,703 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • How old is your child?? If he has learned this behaviour, because you allowed him not to help, you may have to recondition him. Let him know that you cannot be the best mom you can be without his help as daddy. Remember...it's not just motherhood or fatherhood in this situation, it is parenthood. Flat out ask him for help. Be patient though, it may take some getting use to for him. And if he "messes up" a little at first, don't freak out and correct him. Good luck, he'll learn....hopefully.
    Mrs.Phillips007

    Answer by Mrs.Phillips007 at 6:04 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • I made the mistake of being such a sweetie pie by doing all of that stuff for him when we first got together that he got used to it. So when I surprised him by saying you need to help out more, he was honestly shocked.
    prettyrayray

    Answer by prettyrayray at 2:37 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • I don't know what to tell you.

    My husband helps out with the kids as much as possible. He bathes them, changes diapers, disciplines, gets up in the middle of the night with them, cooks, cleans, all of it.

    The only way to make this better is to communicate your feelings with your husband. Why does he feel like he has no responsibility for his child? Why does he feel like you have to do all the work?

    If for some reason he doesn't really listen when you talk to him, try a third party, like a counselor. Sometimes they listen to us say it over and over again and they don't get it until someone completely removed from the situation explains it to them.
    Cavalrybaby02

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 2:40 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • If you allow it to go on,it will always be that way. I was always the person to do everything here and everyone depended on me. You really are hurting them by doing that though; some day they may need to be on their own without you and wont have a clue how to function. Sad,but goes on alot more than you think.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:42 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • I don't know how common it is but my SO has his good days and bad. He cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids. But there are some days when I need to kick him in the butt to get him going! I'll just say something like "Shall we get this living room clean?" and we'll both start and he realizes it gets done faster if we both chip in.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:43 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • You married a child or maybe you are making it hard for him to help. I know many men who don't do anything at home because when they do they are nagged about how they did it wrong. I used to do this to my husband and he shut down after a while and did nothing. I got so angry he would not help and finally we had a blowout. He told me he wants to help and be a part of everything but when he does something why does it have to always be my way. I had no idea he felt that way. I backed off and when my son was 6 months old he was changing diapers, cleaning, giving baths and helping like he did before we had our child.


    I know many women who are just as lazy as many men. Their spouses work all day then come home to clean the entire house, do all the laundry and care for the kids. Men do not corner the market on being jerks. Talk to your spouse and stop nagging.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:44 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • Well, I have always done that stuff for him too, like prettyrayray said. I have told him I can't do it all, especially now that I'm pregnant. It's not easy to take care of a three year old all day and then my SO comes home from work and wants EVERYTHING done for him. All he does is play video games/watch TV/watch movies, and work. Yes, work can be hard. But it's not NEAR as hard as being pregnant with a three year old ALL day EVERY day, AND cleaning, dishes, laundry, garbage, play time, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, grocery shopping, and EVERYTHING else that goes along with housework/chores, without getting paid. I too, would like SOME help with SOMETHING around here. Mine just refuses basically, and if I want it done, I have to do it. He's more stubborn than me, so he ALWAYS wins. =[
    mommykayti

    Answer by mommykayti at 2:46 PM on Apr. 20, 2009

  • I think woman are just better at it than men. That's why we bare the children. some woman have more maternal instincts than others. I personally LOVED every aspect of mothering, the work to me seemed worth it for my child, i feet like it's my duty to her, so i do the best i can. I also think i do it better then SO, so i just get it done. But, i enjoy it. If you don't like doing all the work, then you & your SO should sit down & make some rules, or compromise on some things.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 2:53 PM on Apr. 20, 2009