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apparently he hasn't changed- what would your response be?

I have two daughters ages 4 and 6. Their dad and I have not been together since I was five months preg with the second. He took about ayear long hiatus from being their dad but eventually came around and for the past 2.5-3 years has paid child support consistantly and come to get them every other weekend for visitation. It is going well- or so I thought.

My 4 year old just told me yesterday that he punched a hole in the wall, upon further questioning (I was careful not to comment) here is what I found.
Did you see daddy do that?
(4 year old)- yeah
Why?
(6 year old) he and _____ were fighting (current girlfriend)
(4 year old) there was bleeding but it's a small hole
(me) was ______ there? (new girlfriends 8 month old baby)
(6 year old) yeah but she was sleeping.

I then changed the subject. What do you ladies think and what would you do?

 
LuckyClown

Asked by LuckyClown at 7:48 AM on Apr. 21, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 1 (3 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • Being that he was abusive to you, I can see your concerns. One way of looking at this is that he did hit a wall instead of a person, which *could* mean progress. No, it's still not appropriate, but it is better than hitting a person. So, going with this optimistic viewpoint, you could try talking to him. Explaining to him what the girls told you and asking him what exactly happened. Telling him that if it happens again that you will take the appropriate steps to ensure the girls are not left alone with him until he can prove that he has taken some anger management classes and gotten himself under control.
    BUT...he was once abusive, and allowing the girls to continue to see him unsupervised could lead to big problems. They could see something much more serious next time. He raised a fist to one of them once, what's to stop him from doing it again. I'd talk to a lawyer, and then talk to him.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:14 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • OP (cont.)

    I left him because of abuse. he rarely followed through but used threatening and mental abuse on a daily basis to get what he wanted. I left him when he raised his fist to our oldest daughter because she stepped on his toe (she wasn't quite 2) I do not want my girls to think that this behaviour is acceptable- and I certainly don't want them to let a man treat them this way.
    LuckyClown

    Answer by LuckyClown at 7:50 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • Ouch.. yeah, we hate to see our children HAVE to witness stuff that we know make a negative impression on them. This is likely to only have a legal answer... which starts with question, like: Have you spoken with your atty about what you can and cannot do legally if you suspect there is violence in the home?

    As mom, we definitely tend to want to yank them out of there, but we have to do what's right lawfully when custody, visitation and child support is involved. Dang laws.... oh well. Contact either your atty, legal aid, or the atty general. There has to be a rule about this kind of thing somewhere.
    Good Luck
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 8:02 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • we were not married so I have never needed an attorney
    LuckyClown

    Answer by LuckyClown at 8:12 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • Do you ever go in his home? If so find the hole and ask him what happened. If not contract your court house for an emergency custody order to stop his visitations until he completes an anger management and parenting class
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 8:13 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • It doesn't matter if your married or not you still need legal papers to say who has the children and when and how much child support is. If its not legal then the rules of the game change so get a custody order and request a home visit for Children Services and request him be in anger management and parenting classes before he can see his children unsupervised again.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 8:14 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • I think whether you like her or not, you should try to talk to the new girlfriend about what you went through and then discuss with your ex that your children will never see behavior like that so he needs to come up with a plan for what he will do before you will leave the girls alone with him again.
    kabbot01

    Answer by kabbot01 at 8:15 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • Oh child support and visitation was handled easily with no attorney- it's all standard.

    I do like his girlfriend. She is great to my girls and I'd rather he have a woman around his house.

    I have never been inside his house- and he has never been inside mine. I like him not knowing exactly where I live so i have not pressed finding out where he lived.

    Okay so those of you who would try changing the custody order- as far as I know this is the first incident- is that really enough to warrant messing up a really smooth relationship between me and him and the girls? he is always willing to work with me and has been very consistent with the girls. Up until now everything has been so completely ideal I am afraid to mess that up if it was a one time incident.
    LuckyClown

    Answer by LuckyClown at 8:29 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • oh that sounded bad- I do know where he lives down to the apartment complex- I just don't know exactly which apartment... I could find out easily by asking his step mom... he only knows general area of my house... we meet about ten minutes away from my house so he knows I live ten mins from the kmart where we meet but that is all.
    LuckyClown

    Answer by LuckyClown at 8:30 AM on Apr. 21, 2009

  • I can see what you're saying, but if he was abusive with you, it is not like this is the first time he lost his temper and blew up...and I doubt it will be the last.

    My sister stayed in a bad relationship because "he has come along way" "its not like it happens every day"...I've heard it all out of her...nope, he's an abuser...her daughter has seen it all whether it was every day or not and I would really be worried about what your little girls will see next.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:06 AM on Apr. 21, 2009