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Custody visitation issue/ expansion of a question I posted last night about how to tell son he won't see mom

So for a quick recap for those of you that didn't read my question last night, CPS has determined that my stepson's biological mother cannot see him in her home anymore for various mental health reasons and the condition of the home. They have determined that she can have supervised visitation in our home as long as my husband or I are here. She said that she wouldn't do that. She called this morning and said that she would come by this evening if me and our daughter wasn't here. I agreed and decided I would take my mother out to dinner so she could feel comfortable here. My husband doesn't feel that it is my responsibility. But if I am the only reason why she won't come over, then shouldn't I leave? She and I are generally on good terms, but now I think maybe she is embarrassed and doesn't want me involved. Do I continue to leave once a week so that he can see his mother? He says stepson sees me as a mom anyway. CONT.


Asked by Anonymous at 9:37 AM on Apr. 23, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • I agree with it for him, not her. Normally, I'd say no, it's your home and you shouldn't have to leave. But that is usually when the bio mom is just being petty and bitchy. And I think you are right, she is just embarassed. I also agree with 4x4 that you shouldn't do it always. Maybe the first 2 or 3, but then after that tell her that you will stay home. Maybe you could put it as that you will stay out of the way and not involve yourself in the visit, but you will be home. You could always take your daughter outside to play or be in the kitchen making dinner or whatever. My ex never sees my kids, his own choice, but b/c of that I always look at things like this as "what will the child think?" When he gets older, if you refuse to leave, he could think you prevented him from having a relationship w/ his mom. By doing it a couple of times, it will show you had his best interests in mind and didn't interfere. Good luck

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:58 AM on Apr. 23, 2009

  • But I don't want to replace his mother and I don't want to be the reason they don't see each other. My husband says that she needs to grow up and do what she needs to do for her son, regardless of all else. Son is 7, husband and I have been together 6 years. She only started seeing son about 3.5 years ago, if that makes a difference to anyone.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:38 AM on Apr. 23, 2009

  • I would do it for the child and not her... He will realize soon enough if she's worth having a relationship with, but until then he needs to see her. It has to be very confusing for him to have to go through this. I feel so bad for him. See how it goes, talk with your hubby when you get home and then decide if you should stay on the next visit. I think that being that it's your home as well that she should respect that. I also think that when she sets up the next visit that your Hubby should make it clear that if she wants to keep things as normal as possible, that you will be home for every visit from then on, and that it's best to have everyone there that loves your son, to support him in every way...

    Answer by 4x4mum at 9:49 AM on Apr. 23, 2009

  • Wow.... You are a very good person!! You are just putting the boys needs before yourself.... its sad that his own Mom can't do that for him. He's lucky to have you as a step-mom

    Good Luck....

    Answer by VeronicaLee at 10:30 AM on Apr. 23, 2009

  • It is your house, you are helping to raise the child, you should not leave. I wouldn't leave. If she wants to be petty, then she is losing out on seeing her child. There would be no way that I would leave MY HOUSE.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:45 AM on Apr. 23, 2009

  • I would not leave my house. I would tell her she needs to act like a freaken adult and grow up. My DD and DS BM comes to see the kids. But we have a great realtionship. The kids are now legaly mine. I adpoted them 4 years ago. We still allow contact with there BM though., she can come here anytime she wants. I adpoted them bc hubby is military and god forbid anything happened to him he wanted to make sure that his kids would be taken care of, and there BM just cant afford them and we didn't want any of the kids seperated. Anyways, maybe invite her over for dinner to see your son. No fuss just dinner. Unless she plans on bashing you while you're gone why would you need to leave? You are the one raising the kid, you have every right to be in YOUR house.

    Answer by Vanessannd at 10:53 AM on Apr. 23, 2009

  • I think you are doing the right thing. As long as your hubby is there, and he is safe, then by all means go out to dinner. I would never want anyone child or adult to accuse me of impeding a relationship between mother and child. I do not wish to take my SD mothers place. I have children of my own, I don't need to collect others. Maintain a good relationship with the step child that is in your care but you are very adult in respecting the boundries of his relationship with his BM. Maybe she won't always be messed up and to that end you should do what ever makes them comfortable for now. You are right, she is probably embarassed or ashamed.

    Answer by salexander at 11:04 AM on Apr. 23, 2009