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HELP, personal question: has anyone separated from a spouse, and it worked out (you reconciled and are happier)?

I have been thinking about separating from my husband, even though I love him very much...he has an issue I think he needs to work out on his own. And maybe I need time away from him to figure out whether being with him is really the best thing for me. He is verbally abusive. He knows he needs to work on it, he WANTS to change, but I'm not sure we should be together while he gets the help he says he wants to get (anger management, therapy, etc). I'm worried he can't change, that he needs something drastic like us separating, to drive his change. But if he CAN change, I want us to be together. He has a lot of really great qualities and we love each other so much, we really enjoy our time together. But if he gets mad, look out!! The things he says are awful. Then later of course he is sorry. This problem is tearing us apart. If I separate from him, am I putting a nail in the coffin? Or am I giving us a chance?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:24 PM on Apr. 24, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (4)
  • I think separation could be a positive thing for a marriage, specially if you both love each other but there is a need to work on some stuff. Do you have children? This is what my husband and I did...I moved out and got a place with a friend...she took over the lease when I moved back home. I moved out for almost 4 months...however we really didn't want our kids to suffer so we had family nights where he and I will do things with the kids, even if it was dinner. We took turns keeping the kids over at our places. While moved out we did attend couples counseling and worked on our marriage...TOGETHER not completely separating ourselves from each other. We even took a trip to vegas with friends, after we came back from the trip we felt like we had worked on understanding each other...that was over 2 years ago and we are happier now, not perfect, but happier. good luck it's a tough decision. together for almost 11 years!
    LuvmyFam6

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 3:30 PM on Apr. 24, 2009

  • First of all, congratulations for recognizing there is a problem and being willing to get out of it. My DH and I separated because of something different, and 6 months later we were back together and are very happy. However, the higher percentage of separations end in divorce. I think this is more because of lack of desire from BOTH parties than anything. When you separate you still have to WORK for your marriage. You have to set boundaries as well. Some people mistake separation for singleness and end up cheating on their spouses during this time. A conversation about boundaries and respect/love for each other would solve that problem. You said he is willing to go to counseling but does he think it is essential or is he just "saying" it? If he needs you out of the house to know how serious this is, then go. But if it can be worked out with you in the home, and him in counselling I would CAUTIOUSLEY stay.

    MamaChamp

    Answer by MamaChamp at 3:34 PM on Apr. 24, 2009

  • my husband and I needed to work on our marriage and the only way we could do that was not living together. we went to church, spent alot of time together, but when things got heated, he went back to his apartment. This way no negative or hurtful things were said or done. It took us a while to get out of the cycle we had gotten into, but we now communicate way better, and we talk out issues BEFORE they get to the point of a scream fest. we have been together since we were teens (we are 30 &31), and had spent many years being really ugly to each other. since we separated (and took time to fix our relationship before we moved back in together) we now have a really good relationship. and I am happy to say not one raised voice in our home since we have moved back together. we  talk out our junk and get this... we actually listen to each other and consider the others feelings before reacting. love it!

    Tzutchka

    Answer by Tzutchka at 3:59 PM on Apr. 24, 2009

  • I could have written your story. I am in the same situation. I am leaving today. I think while he sits in our empty house ALONE he will know I'm not playing his games anymore. Verbal abuse when done in such a horrible manner is just as bad as physical abuse. I almost snapped yesterday and don't want to get tobthe point of no return. Like you my husband is a gem when he's good. I just know I'm not gonna stay in a situation so unhealthy. I deserve a husband that respects me and so do you. Put your foot down!!! Don't sit and take it another day. Good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:00 PM on Apr. 24, 2009

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