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Is this normal to feel?

My Fiance admitted to me tonight that he looks at other chicks and thinks "nice boobs" or "nice legs" and stuff like that. After that I feel so ugly, and unwanted along with not feeling good enough. To me if I was everything he wanted he wouldn't look at other chicks and think stuff like that. I mean maybe it's me. Maybe I need to do my hair more, or wear more make-up, lose more weight, something to make me perfect and hot in his eyes enough where he doesn't think those kinds of things. I mean I know guys look, but it bothers me so much and the fact that he thinks those things when he is with or without me, really bothers me. I don't know what to think or do about this. I've never felt so shitty about my self-image before. And feeling like this after just possibly having a miscarriage is even harder../

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Asked by ZammiesMommy at 3:04 AM on Apr. 25, 2009 in Relationships

Level 6 (131 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I know what you mean i just lost my baby 2 months ago and i feel like my man doesnt love me anymore or even care for me im also trying to lose weight so i can look better then what i do now i guess thats just how guys are

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • I once slapped my soon-to-be-ex for looking at a woman in a short skirt and no bra bouncing down the street, He said,"OI see I didn't even realize I was doing it". PHHHTT, I think men may always look and I guess I don't mind my man appreciating another woman's beauty but DANG he doesn't have to gawk at her or make lewd comments!! I see why that would make you insecure. I wonder how they would feel if WE made comments like "OMG he is hot! Wonder how big he is? " ETC.

    Answer by Aprilmorgans at 3:21 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • P.S. I hit your profile and you are NOT ugly!! Far from it!!!

    Answer by Aprilmorgans at 3:28 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • If he's doing it all the time, like he's ogling these women, almost drooling over them sort of thing, then yeah, that's disrespectful. But if it's a passing thought, and he's not acting on it, and he's not comparing them to you, then honestly, it's a pretty normal reaction for men.

    Look at it sort of like this, have you ever just had a really good meal, so you're not hungry at all, but you happen to catch a whiff of something that smells good, and think, hmm, that smells good, then go on about whatever you were doing, with no intention of wanting to go get some of it to eat? Or think, that's a cute dress, but not want to buy it or have it for yourself, you just thought it was a cute dress?

    Well, a lot of times, that's how men look at it when they see an attractive woman. It's not (usually) meant as a disrespectful thing towards their women, it's just a passing thought.

    Anyway, I hope this makes sense :-)

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 6:35 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • Are you seriously, SERIOUSLY, trying to say that you have never looked at a man besides your Fiance, and thought how good looking they are?

    I understand your feelings, I really do, but they are unwarranted. Human beings, male AND female, appreciate attractive people of the gender they are attracted to. Because, get this, that is WHAT we are attracted to.

    Be happy that you have a fiance, he loves you, and he chooses to be with you. Be THRILLED that you have a fiance who appreciates you enough to be honest with you. And appreciate the fact that he believes you have high enough self esteem for him to confide that to you. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better, and regain the self esteem that you certainly have.

    Answer by AnnieMcD at 7:20 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • BTW, I just looked at your profile ... I WISH I was as pretty as you!!!

    Answer by AnnieMcD at 7:26 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • I think you're looking for compliments. Guess what I'm not that gullable. If you think your man isn't going to look you're crazy. Just because he is with you, what ever you look like, doesn't mean he isn't going to think anyone else isn't beautiful. Get over yourself. There is always going to be someone prettier or with a better set of boobs or what ever. So if you think your looks is the only reason he's with you, him thinking someone has nice boobs is the least of your problems.

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 9:42 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • Chrissy, I'm not trying to be argumentative here, just asking you to see a different point of view.

    Sometimes, when someone is looking for compliments, it's because they need them. And insulting those of us who can see that and offer the compliments by calling us gullible is extremely condescending...

    Answer by AnnieMcD at 9:54 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • His biggest mistake was TELLING you he looks and thinks those thoughts. That is kind of mean. Men will always look - conscious of it or not. They are wired that way and it has nothing to do with how beautiful you are. And face it - as you grow old together no matter how you fix your hair or stay in shape - he will always check out other younger women. But a guy who wants his woman to be happy and secure will keep it discreet. He will not want to make you feel bad about yourself. I have found my boyfriend glancing at some girls butt before - but he really tries to hide it and i caught him because I was looking at him discreetly doing it. Most of the time, I'll look at him when some hot chick walks by and he isn't even looking. Just remember that he LOVES YOU - not them. It's his testosterone guiding his eyes and he will do this til he is 95.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 11:26 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • I'm so sorry you miscarried....I've been there and it's not just about losing a affects EVERYTHING! Even self-esteem.
    My husband is the same way. He looks, oggles, you name it! But I wish now that in those early years of our relationship I would've realized it had NOTHING to do with me. He LOVED/LOVES me. It's just something he did, and he really didn't think it was wrong or that it bothered me so much until I told him. He still does it, but it doesn't bother me anymore. Hell, I do it too! Lots of attractive men out there. But that doesn't mean I want ANY of them or want my husband to be like them. If I didn't love him for HIM, I would've moved on already. I'm guessing that your fiance feels the same. I'm sure he doesn't think anyone else even compares to you, and that's why he's comfortable with sharing his opinion. Do something nice for yourself. Get that confidence back!

    Answer by kamsmw at 11:34 AM on Apr. 25, 2009

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