Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How is it possible to get over the mean and hurtful things said during an arguement?

Things have been very tough financially for us. My husband was laid off 5 months ago. He has not been doing anything since. He hasn't been job searching, or cleaning our house, and doing very minimal when it comes to caring for our 2 young boys. He spends most of his time watching TV and on the internet. I have picked up the slack and started working full-time from home, and continue to clean and care for our kids.
I confronted him about this and gave him some tough love explaining sitting around depressed about our situation isn't helping and he needs to get up and do something. He was so mad at me. He felt like he was under attack and said some terrible things to me. He said that I am the reason he was laid off. That he never wanted to buy a home with me and resents me for having to be responsible for a mortgage. The worst one was that he never wanted to marry me. That he just felt obligated. -Continued

Answer Question
 
aprilmommy123

Asked by aprilmommy123 at 5:48 PM on Apr. 25, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • After that he went and slept on the couch and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I got the kids ready and left before he woke up. I wrote him a note saying that he needs to think about what he said and if it is true than I don't want him to be home when I got back that evening. I told him how much I love him and only want him to be happy and if being with me makes him miserable than he needs to go find happiness without me. When I got back that night he apologizes and told me he didn't mean anything he had said. That he was frustrated with life and took it out on me. I know that he apologized and am trying to believe that he didn't mean any of it.
    aprilmommy123

    Answer by aprilmommy123 at 5:48 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • But there is still that doubt in my head. That it was the truth finally coming out after all these years. We didn't get married under the best circumstances and I have always had this nagging worry that maybe he did feel like he had to marry me. And now he is only staying wth me for the sake of our children. Is it possible to move on, forgive and forget? I want to have a happy marriage, but just can't forget the hurt that he caused.
    aprilmommy123

    Answer by aprilmommy123 at 5:48 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • Maybe a PART of him felt obligated at the time to marry you but when he was upset he made it like ALL of him felt that way! Marriage takes work, and no ones marriage is perfect. We all have our struggles. If you want to forgive him then do it. Marriage is all about forgiveness and accepting each others imperfections. Don't speculate or focus on why you got married get out a piece of paper and write down all the reasons you love him and love being married to him. If he is sorry, then let it go! I would be sad to hear a marriage broke up because of speculation. Good Luck!
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 5:55 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • Take a deep breath and let it go. Some people just really say some mean things when they are upset. My husband has been guilty of this and when it happens it breaks my heart. He always apologizes and is really sorry he said the mean things, and I'm like, well then why say them? Do you really mean it? I know in my heart he loves me and would never cheat on me or leave me, but he just does not have the ability to keep from saying mean shit sometimes. This only happens when he is supremely mad. I have chalked it up to one of his flaws. Maybe deep down your husband really does have some resentful feelings, but don't we all sometimes? It is natural and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He just had a bonehead moment and actually told you! If I told my husband some of the things I think, he'd be either devastated or he'd just leave. We all have a dark side, let this one go and feel better. It so sucks to be sad. :)
    GMR

    Answer by GMR at 6:04 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • don't take things personally. Words said during fights should not be taken seriously.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:07 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • I would say give it some time. With things being tight right now It can bring out the worse in all of us. ( and most of the time we end up taken that out on the ones we love the most ) Maybe the two of youn's can sit down and really talk, Let him know your needing alittle more help around the house. Tell him you understand why he's feeling the way he is .. use this to become closer. Don't let it pull you farther apart, You'll find it's easier to get throw these hard time when you have each other.. Good luck
    Shaqbe4u

    Answer by Shaqbe4u at 6:17 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • you are a very strong person and I respect you for sucking it up, but confronting him in a loving way, then giving him time to "think about what he said", by leaving for a while. and it's good that he apologized! it is terrible that he perhaps repressed these feelings and decided to tell you off during the argument, but sometimes people dont know how else to express emotion and bring up the past. terrible thing! does this happen often? maybe he knew you were right and didnt want to hear it because he IS sulking? I hope things work out! take one day at a time!
    Owl_Feather

    Answer by Owl_Feather at 6:19 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • My husband has always had a serious problem with this. Every time I try to talk to him about something, no matter how I start the converstation, he takes it as a personal attack and starts lashing out with hurtful words..I have learned to expect it. I know what he is going to do but he will always come back later and say he's sorry and talk about what ever it was I wanted to talk about in the first place. But I know how you feel when you say that you are worried that it is his true feelings showing. I have felt that way many times and it is really hard to let it go... but sometimes you just have to. Just take it one day at a time and eventually the memory and hurt of it will fade. But if its bothering too much, just talk to him about it... even if you have already talked about it. Or just tell him that you need him to show you that he really does love you and want to be with you... I hope everything works out for you!
    mrsbvader

    Answer by mrsbvader at 7:56 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

  • let it go. maybe he needed to get it off his chest this once. ifi t becomes a regular thing then i do think u have a big problem. i have to give u credit for facing the problem at hand and telling him to be a man or get out. even if u need to work out somethings after he gets a new job he has bn man enough to say hes sorry. not many men stay with someone they dont love for their kids. they just dont. he may b depressed and may need some help with that. try to b supportive but continue to expect him to do his part. they r his kids and with or without being together he still has to support them. gl
    emily1234

    Answer by emily1234 at 10:46 PM on Apr. 25, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN