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How can I protect myself from getting hurt (emotionally) without hurting back?

My fiance' is mean to me sometimes. He says the meanest stuff and can be verbally and emotionally abusive. Sure, sometimes I'm nasty or I snap at him, and it "starts" the fight (I guess), but one minor thing that I do sends him into a tirade of all the mean stuff he can think to say, and the more I defend myself, the worse it becomes. It can go on and on until I'm reduced to a sobbing worthless wreck. I don't know what to do. I can't "punish" him (nor would I want to if I could). Nothing I say gets through to him. He definitely doesn't think he does anything wrong. How do I handle this? How can I protect myself when there's nothing I can do back to him? The same thing goes for my parents. It's like I grew up being treated this way and now I have to be a grown up and still be treated like this. Will it ever end?

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Asked by laadeedah at 10:16 PM on Apr. 26, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • look up narcissist. See if his picture is next to the definition

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:21 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • You have to want to get out of that situation to make it happen Girl. You are responsible for ending that cycle. Do you want your children growing up in that type of environment? Did you like growing up like that? You have to say No, I deserve better. Until you do, you cannot get out. When you are ready, you will know what to do.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • well honey i would seriously consider leaving him. and if your parents are the same way. i would leave them too. no one deserves to be treated this way. your parents should not treat you this way either. if that is all they have to offer you then you don't need any of them. leave and save what is left of your sanity. you deserve better.

    Answer by 2wndrfl_btrflys at 10:23 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • you have to get out of this relationship and get some therapy in order to break this cycle of being abused emotionally. it is a difficult thing to do but it's very possible!! :) if you feel that you cannot afford therapy or for some other reason you cannot have it, read books on codependency. i read one by Pia Melody that helped me a lot (not the same situation, just self worth issues but it is all tied together). we usually end up with someone like our father/parents. so if you do not get out of this relationship, your children will also unconsciously end up in the same situation. so if you don't get out of this abusive relationship for yourself, do it for your children. Good luck!!

    Answer by nairda at 10:30 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • The only thing I can think of to say is, LEAVE, before he gets physically abusive or he starts on the kids.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:32 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • You don't have to be a grown up treated this way... end it now whether it's the relationship or the acceptance of him treating you this way. As you know, it's a vicious cycle and your children will think this is the normal way to live and they'll choose someone like him, or be someone like him.
    The first thing I'd do is demand him get some anger management, and take some councelling to deal with your childhood and if you want to work this out with him, you need some help communicating better.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:39 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • You protect yourslef by walking away from the situation. This is not a fiance, this is a man you've wasted your time on. Don't waste another minute.

    It will only end when you decide that YOU want it to end and grow some backbone to end it.

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:55 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

  • You are not married yet. I can't tell you what to do, but I would seriously just walk away. If you feel you are in danger, go to a women's shelter.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:58 PM on Apr. 26, 2009

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