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Does this mean he's cheating and should I leave?

For the last couple of weeks, my SO has been sort of distant with me. I have tried asking him what was wrong and if it was something that we needed to talk about, but he stonewalled. So finally, yesterday I did the most awful thing that I think people can ever do to each other and that is I checked his phone. ( I really hate when people do that to their SO so I feel awful for doing it.) I see a conversation between him and this girl from Saturday night when he was out with his friends at the bars. He sent her something saying "I want you right now." which is what he says when he wants to have sex. And they carried on a conversation from then on... I confronted him about it after bawling my fricking eyes out and he said that basically he was drunk and out of control and wants me to believe that he would never do anything like that. But should I? Last I heard drunken words are sober thoughts, right? Help...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:21 AM on Apr. 28, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • wouldn't believe him even for a second! but....if this is the first time this has happened you could give him another chance and see how that goes....depending on how your relationship is take the proper action...good luck and if he's cheating rip his head off!!!!!!
    busymamma503

    Answer by busymamma503 at 9:25 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • Man, I hated going through this myself. So here it goes. Trust your gut. We as women have an intuition that doesn't lie, it's our internal radar and a built in "bullshit detector" if you will. If you know him well enough to know his phrases, how he thinks, what he does in certain situations then go with it. Don't fool yourself into explaining this away. IF he will screw around with some random chick once then he will do it again and blame it on whatever intoxicant he was partaking of at the time instead of blaming the decisions he made to go through with it.

    It's not my fault...I was drunk. Don't buy it. Look at it this way. If that were you that had cheated and he found out on your phone and you told him it was because you were drunk...would he believe you?

    If it were me, and I have been there before, I would leave. I have more respect for myself to start over than to stay with a liar. Good Luck to you.
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 9:26 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • If I found something like that I would have contacted her. See how she answers the phone when she thinks it him. Talk to her woman to woman without name calling. I found an email 7 years ago my husband wrote and I wrote to her and got the answers I needed. I never pretended to be him or anything I just told her I need to know woman to woman and she told me the truth and he later confessed. We are still together and it hasn't happened since and I know this for a fact because he gives me all his passwords and gives me his phone to check and he's not avoiding the questions I ask. I don't check anything because I do trust him. I would contact her if you can get her number and let your husband know your letting her know it needs to stop now and him as well or the marriage is over. If he was that drunk then using a phone would be hard. How many conversations has he had with her
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 9:27 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • I wouldn't believe him. I honestly have a hard time believing the "I was drunk excuse." In college, I was a big drinker. I was at a party every weekend. I had been dating the same guy for 2 years. He was a mechanic and worked a lot so he wasn't always at the parties with me. I had so many times where some guy was really attractive and really into me but I never let anything happen, even when I was slobbering drunk.  I even had an ex show up that had really broken my heart and he was trying to get back together with me while I was in this condition and nothing happened.  So I really have a hard time buying that excuse.  If he was drunk and she was at the bar also, why was he texting her.  Obviously, they weren't in the same room so he had to have already met her before the drunken night and liked her enough to keep the number or he was talking to her after the drunk night.  Either way, he is lying big time.
    DDry

    Answer by DDry at 9:29 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • I know this may not help you much, but if you really want proff that he is cheated... Contat cheaters or do some digging yourself.... Its the only to know for sure, but I'm sorry to say he more then likely is and what you do from here is up to you. What you feel is best.
    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 9:34 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • This is not a man with whom I would want to spend my life. I would want a man who didn't visit bars and get drunk. I would want a man who thought I was so wonderful he would not want to risk losing me by even looking at another woman, much less talking to her. I would want to know that his loving me was at the top of his list of priorities. It doesn't sound like this is the case with this man.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:34 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • OP here- The problem is I feel like by going through his phone that I discredit anything I found and that this is sort of what I get for looking.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:37 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • Im sorry, but if you feel that way then ya setting yourself up to get hurt.
    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 9:39 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • Are you kidding? That's what you get for looking? Your instincts were right. What would have happened if you hadn't seen it? So he gets this girl pregnant, brings home an STD to you and you get the STD. Then maybe you end up pregnant too. So this loser now has a pregnant wife and a pregnant girlfriend. There are a million ways this could end and none of them are okay. You did the right thing and the same thing every other woman would have done. It's okay to protect yourself against this. It's better to know now.
    DDry

    Answer by DDry at 9:44 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • DDry- I know it sounds dumb, but that was the first thing I thought... I have never looked before and the fact that I did and found that...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:50 AM on Apr. 28, 2009

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