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Open adoption, how long do you hold on?

My son was put with a foster family when he was 2 months old. I tried to fight to get him back for three years before I realized that he loved the only family he had ever known..... So, I asked them to adopt him. They gladly accepted. I love them so much for everything they have given him and for letting us stay in contact over the years. He is five now and every year, I have given him something for Easter, Christmas, and his birthday, but have been feeling less and less of a need for attatchment with him. I found I was pregnant again in January of this year and finally decided to write his family an email that I hold them all very dear to me but wouldn't be calling or trying to set up meetings anymore....... I feel TERRIBLE inside for it!!!!!!! But, at the same time, I feel so relieved. I think the most painful part about it is that I actually WANT the distance. I feel so GUILTY!!! ...Is this normal? Did I do the right thing?


Asked by MommaBear619 at 10:12 PM on Apr. 28, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (23)
  • Anon 7:26/7:29am, has it correct. Unless someone has walked a mile (3 years worth of miles) in your shoes, they should not judge you, you aren't trying to cut him out of your life, but you do have another one coming in to YOUR household that is going to require more immediate time & attention. Maybe when you are ready, you can talk on the phone or email the family and your first child, but anyone knows that a new baby is going to consume alot of your time & energy. You will probably need a period of adjustment, that's all. You have a right to your feelings. Good luck to you & yours!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:38 PM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • i don't know from experience, but if its right for you than yes its the right thing. maybe you just needed the time to be sure he was ok and with a good family and now are comfortable letting him go. maybe you could ask the family to notify you if you move, or send a yearly letter to you w/a picture so that in the future if you decide you want to contact him you know where he is and how he has been doing?

    Answer by vabchmommy at 10:15 PM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • It's sad, because he is going to wonder later on why you didn't want him, and why you had another family after you couldn't keep him...I don't know, if it was me I would still want to be a part of his life as often as I could...The child you are carrying is his "half?" sibling, so he probably will resent you when he is older, for not wanting him to be part of the family. I don't mean to make you feel bad or guilty but its JMO.

    Answer by pamelajqs at 10:15 PM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • okay i may get bashed for this but you chose to be part of that and be in his life and now you chose not to be yes that is wrong cuz now you are leaving the ones that were there for him allll the time to explain your absence and that is not right be an adult and go try to explain to him your self why you choose to do this

    Answer by jodi205 at 10:19 PM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • You cannot just tuck tail and run because you now have another family. He deserves to be a part of your life as well as HIS SIBLING.

    I have a younger daughter who was surrendered and the couple that adopted her refuse to even acknowledge that she has an older sister. Had they allowed some form of contact, I would have been bending over backwards to make it all work, no matter the pain it caused me. It's no longer about what YOU want. It's now about what is best for your son and his new sibling, which is to know of one another.


    Answer by randi1978 at 10:59 PM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • I believe you need to do what you feel is right in your heart. When I had my baby I was living with my parents and trying to work 2 and 3 jobs to support her. Bc of it my baby got attached to my mom and now that she is older she wants to stay with my mom. I dont blame her and I still love her, but bc i live so far away I barely get to see her. Ppl think I am a terrible mother for that, but they can kiss my ass. I have seen children get torn away from what they know and its terrible. I am doing what I feel is right for my child, and you should too. I think it would at least be wise that they know where you are and contact info incase he wants to come into contact with you. I think you should also write him a note for them to give him when he asks so that he knows you love him and was thinking of him. And in that note let him know that they have a number and that you will always be there if he needs you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:12 PM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • I agree with the above post. God bless you for fighting to get him back, and then for deciding it was best for him to not be torn away from the new family that was formed. I hope his mom and dad will make sure he knows that you have always wanted him and loved him. Can you do both - allow yourself some space and distance, but still leave the door open? I don't think it's wrong for you to feel the need for some distance, but I think your son may be hurt if you completely close the door. I wish you the best of luck in working through this.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:19 PM on Apr. 28, 2009

  • I tried to fight to get him back for three years before I realized that he loved the only family he had ever known..... So, I asked them to adopt him.

    Just wondering, if you are in the USA, how was a 2 month old baby kept in foster care for three years, considering there's a 15 month limit  than the parental rights are involuntarily terminated?


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:12 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • i'm going through something more controversial, yet similar- i have a four year old whom i love with all my heart, and i asked a close friend of mine if they could take my child because i feel horrible for dragging my child through all that i have. we've never been stable, and i can't even get enough of a foothold to take care of myself, let alone both of us. the person i've asked to adopt my child is homosexual, so i've chosen to keep a lot of what i am doing under wraps because of the controversy it could cause. the adoption process we have chosen is unique, and the most simple way we could manage for my child. i'll still be a part of my child's life, and for now, i still have parental rights, which could be terminated in the future, if i so choose. i've a long history of instability, even before i got pregnant. i made the decision to give my child the opportunities and stability that i couldn't give. you're not alone.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:59 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • I agree 100% with Randi1978 and strongly disagree with everyone who says this is about you and what you are comfortable with.
    This is your child and he deserves to have you a part of his life. In my opinion, it shouldn't even be an option for you to turn away from him now. It's not about you, it's about your child and what is best for him.
    I will never agree or support a bmom who wants to close an adoption. I understand how hard it is and the pain that comes with having to see and say goodbye to your child over and over again, but those are emotions that your son is not responsible for and should never have to pay the price for.
    I just can't stress enough that remaining a part of your son's life is the best thing you could ever do for him. You are his mother, and part of being his mother is being there for him in every way. He needs you and its his needs that count!

    Answer by casjoh at 1:16 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

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