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My 19 year old daughter is having sex

My daughter is 19 and just finished her first year in college. She just graduated in 2008 from high school. She's had a few boyfriends, not certain if this latest one is her first. She does not work; however, she does birthday parties, fair events and makes some money there. We have been paying her phone bill up until this month. She has paid for texting the last 2 months though. We've been after her since 2008 to find a job while she goes to college. We have enough saved to pay for 2 years of college at an expensive college. She is then responsible for the following 2 years.

One year later, still no job. We've told her that she needs a job for when she is done w/spring semester. If she didn't find one, I'd find her one even if it was at McDonalds or folding clothes. I used her phone tonight and found explicit text messages from latest flame (loser) re a sexual encounter recently. Of course, she denied it.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:49 AM on Apr. 29, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (22)
  • NO YOU ARE NOT! HELP HER PREVENT DESTROYING HER FUTURE! Sit down and explain to her the risks of her behaviors. Let her know if she's doing it unprotected(no condom, and or bc) what risks she's setting herself up for; and God forbid, she gets preg and chances quiting college!!! You have to go back to when you were this age(headstrong, oppionated, rebellious) and aproach her that way! I wish my mom would have been a mother and not enabler!!! She needs guidance and direction; and this gives us the right to invade privacy(if your child is acting different and won't open up how else are you going to learn what's eating them!?), but tastefully, respectfully. You had her phone and read her text(if she didn't want them read they would have been deleted!), she will be mad for a little while but not too long! She needs her mom but on a friend level right now. Don't demand; explain expectations clearer, where she gets it! WORK W HER!!!
    ladyd6280

    Answer by ladyd6280 at 10:03 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • You're being too nosy
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:50 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • She's a grown woman. Be glad she isn't 13 or 14. Just talk to her about having safe sex. Maybe she isn't comfortable about talking about sex to you because of how you will react. But she is a grown woman now and has needs just be open to her about it.
    diamondmamma

    Answer by diamondmamma at 9:51 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • P.S. If she acted responsible, or the person she was with was responsible (graduated 2 years ago and works parking cars at night and lives w/mom), then it wouldn't be such a huge impact. But she's not being responsible.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:51 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • She is an adult. Stop paying her bill for her and make her get a job of her own. Going to college or not if she has time to go to parties and fairs she has time to get a job and pay her cell phone. She is allowed to have sex if she wants as she is an adult and not 13 years old. That part is none of your business. So if your tired of her not working stop making it easy for her to not have a job. If my mom would pay my bills I wouldn't get a job either. So make her be responsible and tell her this is the last time your paying the bill and if she doesn't pay it your taking the phone and she needs to get a job. Its not your place to find her a job. Give her a time limit and stick to it. If you own her car take the car unless she is job hunting and take the phone until she can pay the bill herself.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 9:54 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • Just because you CHOSE to pay for her education does not give you the right to set up job/ life rules. If you can't give and let go and let HER make her own decisions and mistakes, then just stop payment now.
    My parents paid for my education until I decided to break up with their favorite boyfriend- they said I was making a bad choice and just stopped payment- it took a LOT of healing to get over my mother's controlling ways - I didn't mind working- I had already worked while in college- but it was HARD to let her close to my life after doing everything HER way- especially at 19 that is the time we are searching for our own independance - our own mistakes. If you don't allow her to make her own choices, poor or not- she will never grow up.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:06 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • Thank you...I remember all too well! I was that same girl. But, the difference was I was done w/school, I was working full time, I had a car, my boyfriend also had all this...we were planning on getting married.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • I think the 2 situations are seperate. You paying her bills have nothing to do with her having sex. I would tell her facts and make sure you preach safe sex, but having sex at this age is not a huge deal. I would tell her that even on the pill she needs to insist on a condom everytime and show her pics of STDs so she willprotect herself. Cutting her off financially because she is having sex is not a good idea. Make them seperate conversations. My parents gave me an allowance in college. It consisted of a few bills they would pay. I had to buy gas, food, cell phone... and any blow money. I worked about 30 hrs/wk and went to school. Just sit her down and tell her we can only afford ----- to cover these bills the rest you need to cover on next months bill. And stick to it!!! Ramen noodles won' kill her. she will figure it out.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 10:10 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • she is 19, she's old enough to make her own choices, quit paying her bills and just remind her about SAFE SEX
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 10:14 AM on Apr. 29, 2009

  • she was probally having sex b4 she was 19, you just now "caught" her......she's going to do it. how old were YOU when you 1st started having sex mom? it's going to happen, just teach her how to be more responsible
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:14 AM on Apr. 29, 2009