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How to respond if so's mother won't come to dd's first b-day party

I don't speak to my so's mother for various reasons...let's just say she is a toxic individual, and I refused to be poisoned by her. My daughter will be a year old next month, and she has seen her grandmother a total of 4 times in her short life (although she only lives less than 10 miles from us). My mom passed away, so that woman is the only grandmother my child will ever have, and she can't be bothered to be involved with her only grandchild.

Well, I'm having a little b-day celebration at my house for my dd, and I told my so that his family is welcome to come. I'm worried that his mom will further reject my dd by not showing up for the party.

If she doesn't show up, should I say anything about it? Or should I just say "Well, dd's grandmother obviously wants nothing to do with her, so we'll just go on as usual"?

She's not hurting ME, she's hurting my dd...I know that she's too little to understand now...


Asked by Anonymous at 8:10 PM on May. 1, 2009 in Babies (0-12 months)

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Just go on as usual if she doesn't show. i know it sucks, but making a deal out of it won't make it any better. If she doesn't want to be a grandparent than that's her loss. Just make your daughter happy, that's all you can do!

    Answer by ajguinn at 8:16 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • Well, you can't force anybody to do anything that they don't want to do. As messed up as it is to make a child pay for her feelings towards you (the parent) think about it as MIL's lost. If she is that toxic, why would you want her near your child anyways? It may be a blessing in disguise that she dislike you so much to get to you through your dd. I say go on with the party, make it all about your dd and don't let what MIL does or doesn't fdo affect your mood. Celebrate your child's bb regardless of whose is there.

    Answer by bebita at 8:18 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • Wow, your story sounds familiar. My mother in-law is exactly the same way, we never got along from the get-go and my baby is 5-months old and she has not seen her once. She sent some baby items to my father in-laws home when our daughter was born, but she is a cold person and I get my feelings hurt so much because of my husbands family and some members of my family are no better, and honestly I can't be in that place anymore there comes a time when you have to except the things that you can't change and just move on. I'm sorry for what you are going through, I know that it's easier said than done because I still struggle with it from time to time. Good luck. :)

    Answer by geminisummerz at 8:18 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • I'm sorry but her loss!!! If she's that immature to let personal issues get in the way of having a relationship with her only grandchild and being there early on when she's needed to be part of a clebration for her then your daughter is better off! If its important to you and means alot to you for her to be there TALK TO HER AND EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!!! That maybe all she's been waiting for!!!

    Answer by ladyd6280 at 8:22 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • Been there my MIL has told everyone in my DH's home town our son isn't his and I'm a whore so yeah I know the feeling... You just have to think if your lives are better with her not in it.. Then your daughters will too.. If she's bad enough for you to not be around then neither does your daughter... But in my opinion,you should make it clear to your MIL that she cant just come and go in your daughters life as she pleases.. she needs to either always and forever be there and in her life or not at all.. Because thats whats going to hurt your daughter more then anything in the end... and again thats just ME..

    Answer by TristansMommy16 at 8:25 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • Go on as usual, but don't say anything! Making comments about it doesn't do any good and might just cause hard feelings at some point.

    Your daughter will grow up knowing her grandmother wasn't around and will see how she is. As long as you keep doing what you should be doing...making the invites and (while not going out of your way) doing what you can to let her see her granddaughter...your daughter will know it's grandma acting stupid.

    Answer by TiccledBlue at 8:26 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • If she doesn't want to be a part of your daughter's life, it's her lose.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:31 PM on May. 1, 2009

  • This is her loss. Grandchildren are a wonderful gift. That said, children really do beneft from spending time with older people. As your daughter gets older, you can "adopt" a grandparent through a social services agency or a senior center; you will all benefit from the experience.

    Answer by rkoloms at 8:09 AM on May. 2, 2009

  • It is ultimately her loss. Move on with your lives in a positive direction. I had a similiar situation. My husbands mother did us the same way. Our son was 3 when we got married. As soon as we married suddenly everything was okay..she was all over our son and we were like whoa. I don't downshift that fast. She is a very religious person and refused to accept what she considered our 'iilicit relationship and our 'illigitamit(sp) son" I deal with her now because I have to, but it is hard to forget the pain of his 1st three years. The really tough part is he thinks his Gramma Jenny makes the sun rise and the earth rotate. Hang in there.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:27 PM on May. 2, 2009

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