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Can anyone give me advice from your expierence? (marriage)

my husband and i have some major ups and downs for the past 6 years we've been together, & im not sure how we can fix our relationship. we fight all the time, about anything. i want him to take intiative w/ family& help around the house, he wants to play his games and be left alone, (it started being a problem for the past 6 months)we have 2 children together. were each others first love & together since high school, from all the family drama, to the arguements, and stubborness, we cant find a middle ground. were both so stubborn & 1 of us has to give in. we have some past regrets that have stuck with us til now and we hold grudges. i need help on how we can find a middle ground, be okay with each other while we get what we want out of it at the same time. something, anything. we would get help, but the navy will give us a hard time about it, and we dont want to take that route. so any helpful, straight forward words of wisdom

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:15 PM on May. 2, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • You both need to know that the other needs 'me' time. And give it to each other. BUT, he needs to know that when you need help with your family, he needs to help. They are his kids, too. And it's his house, too. If you guys can work through the selfishness, and learn to show each other respect, things will work out. Now, my husband and I do go through cycles where we get along, then we fight. But knowing that makes the harder times easier. I know it will end. It sounds like you guys have lost touch with each other. I guess date nights work, we just don't have them. The last 2 times I can say we went out together, besides lunch, was to a Rob Zombie concert, and to get tattoo's. But hey, what works is what works.
    Buffie95

    Answer by Buffie95 at 12:26 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • anything will be greatly appriciated, i want to know what REAL wives that have been married have to say. you have nothing nice to say, please dont bother.
    thanks.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:16 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • Ok. We have been through some stuff. Luckily, my husband has been interested in helping me work through things. He doesn't play games, but he works on cars. I let him, pretty much as much as he wants. He'd spend the weekend with friends, well, they are all in their 60's. We are in our 30's. Anyway, none if his friends could believe I let him go all weekend. Well, I see that it keeps him happy, and as long as he can be here when I need him, I'm fine. He knows that I need my time, and I know he needs his. Now, we haven't always gotten along so well. Mostly because I was diagnosed with depression, but I'm bipolar. So I wasn't on good med for me. That's worked through. I think that as long as both people truely want to be with the other, and truely love the other, things can be worked out. Mine doesn't do drugs, doesn't cheat, none of that. We have the same goals in life. I'd say that you and your hubby should sit and talk. cont.
    Buffie95

    Answer by Buffie95 at 12:23 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • I dont know how you can fix this but me and my SO are going through this, he was up with our daugter twice last night and didnt change her diaper, just popped a bottle in her mouth and went back to bed! she was soaked this morning, for crying out loud shes a human being, a little helpless person. We are currently separated since i cannot deal with his crap any longer
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • TALK TO EACH OTHER. You don't need a councelor for that. Sit down and have a heart to heart discussion with each other and each express what is going on and come up with solutions on how to fix it. The number one component of any healthy, lasting relationship is communication. If you can't communicate, then it's over.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 12:24 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • i'm not married and have only been with SO for 2 years, but we have a great middle ground. if something is bothering us, we talk about it at the time, instead of holding it in which only ends up building up among other things. I nag a lot but it doesnt affect him. he just leaves the room so I can breathe and he can breathe, we talk about it once we calm down and things are all good. it's all about space and patience with us! difference in opinion is a good thing. "civil" arguments are healthy because it makes individualism shine
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • have each other define what you want from each other and from the marriage. Then reach a medium ground - compromise. Consider that some men think family and home is "woman's work". If he thinks that then he's not going to do a lot of it. He probably thinks he does enough bringing home the bacon and thinks you should be happy he's at home playing games and out drinking and cheating. A lot is to be said for that but it's what you can deal with. Think of it as a business. What would you expect from an employee? Give him his job description and see if he's up to the task of fulfilling that job (husband). If not then consider finding someone who will but he sounds like he is someone you can work with. Stubborn isn't a bad thing. Just pick your battles and mold him as you go along!
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:32 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • Just work on yourself, you try to be a better person and don't argue anymore,it takes two to fight.The reason you fight is because of hurt feelings,he's not showing respect to you and I understand it's hard.But don't look to him for the answers anymore because he is telling you what it is by the way he's acting.He needs a break,he's trying to escape,at least he's not picking up other women or prositutes.Alot of men aren't cut out to be fathers, it's not their thing, so I suspect that's what's going on with him.Stubborness is really just fear to do the right thing,it's easier to look stubborn,when it's just fear.
    countingsparows

    Answer by countingsparows at 12:32 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • Let go of those grudges. Even if he cant you have to let go of yours. As you have found out, it only causes problems.
    Be positive. When he does something you like give him feed back. "Thanks so much for taking the trash out honey. I really appreciate your help around the house", or whatever it is. Do that as much as you can for a week or two. Also, touch him more. If he's playing video games or whatever and you dont have much to do just walk up and rest your hand on his shoulder, or rest your hand on his leg or whatever. If he questions you about it just tell him that you like having physical contact with him. Do these sort of things, as much as possible, for about 2 weeks. ....If you dont see improvement in the relationship on BOTH sides you should get the counseling F*ck whatever the Navy says! your marriage is more important. p.s ...i'm a military wife too.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 12:32 PM on May. 2, 2009

  • Well...a couple things. I too am a Navy wife. Let me tell you from experience, its better to take the crap from the Navy and get help than lose your marriage and your family. Second, it seems you already know what needs to be done, so be the bigger person and give in first. That doesnt mean you are letting him get away with anything, but someone has to take the first step. Talk to him, let him know exactly how you feel. You have two kids who see and know more than you think they do, they are worth the "trouble" of making this thing work no matter what.
    abbynzachsmommy

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 12:34 PM on May. 2, 2009

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