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My 16 yo son wants to go to parties with his friends...how would you handle this situation?

My 16 yo son has friends that attend parties on the weekends. I am sure there is alcohol at these parties...I was a teen once too...I'm not that naive to think otherwise. This past Friday night ds wanted to go to a party. I told him no. I told him I knew there would be alcohol and there was no way I was letting him go. I can't keep him locked in his room through out his high school years. He's a good kid and says he wants to be social and hang out with his friends. I did sit down with him on Saturday and had a heart to heart with him and told him of my fears. I told him if I do let him go to a party or two that I did not want him drinking. Of course he told me he wouldn't be...but I told him if he ever did that I want him to call me and I will come get him rather than have him get in a car with a friend that's drunk. If he does drink and calls me, what punishment should be done? Should I let him go and trust him?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:21 PM on May. 4, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (22)
  • I would let him go. Especially after you had the heart to heart talk. Then if he calls, say, "I'm glad you called me. I said you could, but, I want you to know how dissappointed this make me and how hard it will be to trust you again. You will now have to earn my trust back to get to go out again. And I don't mean just being nice and helpful. I mean being trustworthy. That I can trust you to go out and not be afraid you are going to be in an accident from drunk driving or die from alcohol poisoning." When he proves himself trustworthy, you can try it again.
    BradenIsMySon

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 2:30 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • I think you should keep having the talk with him. Give him a a curfew and let him know that you would much rather pick him up then look at him in the hospital or morgue. I knew my parents would come get me without yelling at me that night. I have called them after a few drinks...even at 28yrs old because I have too much to loose by getn a DUI. Give him an easy out like a code word so you will aways know when he needs help without having to say so in front of his friends. Ex. Im just calling to let you know I will be home at 3. Kids can get in situations where the friend that drove will be too drunk and not let anyone else drive the car. Talk to your child about what to say and how to save face in peer pressure situations. Keep talking to your child, but also listen withot judging. Kids will try stuff and need to know they can ask you for help and guidance without being in trouble.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 2:48 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • Well...I mean, how much drinking are we talking? I'm kind of torn...When I was in high school I would go to parties and have a few drinks, but I wouldn't get wasted...but I'd call one of my parents to come get me. Yes, it was illegal. But my parents didn't punish me because I did the right thing by calling them...like they told me to. I don't know! I'm sure I'd be able to answer this better when my son is a teenager!
    metalhealthmama

    Answer by metalhealthmama at 2:55 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • Thank you for all the advice so far. This age is so hard for a lot of reasons...peer pressure being #1. I want him to know that he can call if he needs a ride or help in any situation...but on the other hand that I am not giving him permission to drink...just that if he does, under no circumstances is he to get in a car with a friend that has been drinking. My husband and I are at odds with this. DH feels if ds does drink that he should be grounded, have things taken away, etc. My thoughts on that are that ds will then NOT call when he needs us and will end up in a car with a drunk driver...and then the situation could turn out a lot worse/accident/death. I like the idea of a code word. I think that may work. I also like the idea of the trust issue if he does drink and he has to earn the trust back. I just want to find a way to keep the lines of communication open...which is hard enough at this age. Thanks everyone!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:15 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • First of all teen age drinking is illegal, right. So why would you let him go to a party that might end up envolving police taking kids to jail? I wouldn't chance it. I know you care or you wouldn't want advise. But have another talk and address the legalities and consequences of attending a drinking party. Ask if you could have a non drinking party at your home and make it fun. I am sure there are other parents you know that want your kids to have agood time at parties with no alcohol. Get together with them and plan oneparty a month. Try different themes. Things that kids are interested in. Have the kids help plan it and make up the rules together. He may not like the idea at first but if you don't give in to the drinking party, the idea may warm up to him. Try it.
    Ladyelizabet722

    Answer by Ladyelizabet722 at 3:52 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • Have the party at your house. You know that it will be supervised and drug free.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 4:19 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • If you were a teen that was locked up too much then you know that when you finally get out of the house you go crazy...so allowing him to experience some of the things outside will help is curiosity and mature him. It's nothing worse then your child going out into the world with no knowledge of what really goes on and what will happen.
    franny20

    Answer by franny20 at 4:24 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • I am not looking forward to this day and event. Unfortunately once they turn sixteen it is time to put to practice everything we have been teaching our tween and young teens. Here is what I would do. I would simply have a talk with him that I feel that it is not in his best judgment or safety to be drinking at these parties but encourage him that he could be role model or even an opportunity to be the driver for his friends. I would make it very clear, if he does drink, he must call dad and dad must bring him home, and there is a huge difference between having a BEER to getting butt drunk. If he broke the rules he would not be going any more parties until I saw improvements in his judgments and he can prove he can keep his word.
    TheFriskyKitty

    Answer by TheFriskyKitty at 5:07 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • If he calls you and you punish him, do you really think he'll call you again? As a teenager, I absolutely wouldn't call you, even after this "heart-to-heart". It's obvious you don't trust him and your distrust can have some serious consequences for him. If he's a good kid, you don't have anything to worry about. Obviously, impress upon him that drinking and driving will not be tolerated, but don't punish him for doing what the right thing: calling you if he drinks.

    You need to trust your parenting skills and that you did a good job with him. And you have to let him go out or else he's going to resent you (or worse go absolutely nuts partying when he leaves the house).
    GiselleU

    Answer by GiselleU at 5:55 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • If you trust him and you laid down your laws already then let him go. Punish him yes.Like you cant go out the rest of the weekend or I will take your keys for a week type thing. I was drunk at a party once and I called my mom to come get me. She yelled and yelled. Then pulled over and made me walk home(she drove back and forth til i made it home also)Boy was it cold.then she made me walk to school all week. As a teen you test things..Its just what you do.

    ryanlynn

    Answer by ryanlynn at 6:12 PM on May. 4, 2009

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