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How can I explain my desired relationship to my 10 and 14 year old, with man who is in my life now and with whom I care for very deeply?

I filed nearly a year ago, (May 23). I am very involved with a man whom I have been great friends with for 5 years. We want to be together, but we also want what's best for my two children. How do I ease his involvement both physically and emotionally into my children's life on a more serious level and how can I steer them from their father's very nasty, negative comments about me and my involvement with my beau? Or, should I just put this relationship on hold? I don't want to..we have so much fun and he makes me so happy (in so many ways, not just the way many think) Thanks for all your help ladies!!

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Asked by rapunzel1 at 5:20 PM on May. 4, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (5)
  • I think it is really soon. I wouldn't abandon your relationship, but I don't know that I would actively bring him into their lives right now. Divorce is hard for all kids, teenagers can react in ways that go from deep depression to violent anger. Have you thought about counseling to help them deal with the divorce issue? In time you can ease into the other relationship with your kids. Be prepared for their anger. Refrain from obvious displays of affection in front of them for a while. I know others will disagree...but I can tell you as a child of divorce..watching my Mom hug and kiss a man not my father was just too much to ask me to deal with, esp. the first coup;e of years.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 5:27 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • if my mom was going to start dating someone, she would bring them around as a friend. maybe go bowling, minature golfing, to the movies, etc. with the kids. then ease them into the news that you are dating him.

    Answer by SThompson21 at 5:27 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • I can almost bet they already know and they are letting you enjoy your secret. Kids that age are sooooo much smarter than they are given credit for. Why hide it? You shouldn't. As far as the X, don't do what he does. Don't badmouth the dad to the kids, always be upbeat about things they are doing with him, etc. Instead of backing off, why don't you let your SO make his place in your kids life.your children know what their Dad is doing and eventually they will learn what he is about.They can be ok if you are ok. It depends on what kinds of relationship you have.Do yourself and your children a favor, don't stoop to the Xes way, you will find out in the long run how bad that affects children.

    Answer by Kat122 at 6:01 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • Coming from my experience with seperation and divorce it just takes time and a little creativness on your part. My husband and I were dating for a while before I introduced him to my kids and before I did, I made sure I called their Dad, told him all about it, let him know that the boys would be talking about him. Then I sat down with my boys, told them about him, asked them if they had any questions, let them have their say. I told them we were going to have a friend over for dinner and watch some off roading videos. That's what he had planned on bringing,lol Anyway, the night went very smooth, they had a lot of fum with him and now he's their stepfather. My MIL asked me if it was hard for me to bring someone into their lives and how I made the decision, I told her I watched my boys, I knew if he was good with them and they accepted him that it was all good. They love him so much now. Don't stress, it will be fine.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:46 PM on May. 4, 2009

  • Filed? If the divorce isn't final I'd keep it as casual as I could in front of the kids. I'd let them know he's a great friend and a part of your life as such. The bad thing is that he's possibly a rebound relationship that won't develop into what you may think it could be so don't lead the kids to believe he's there new daddy figure. Kids get confused and hurt in these situations. Don't cheat yourself but don't move too quickly.

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:17 PM on May. 4, 2009

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