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Are you the one that always has to initiate it? TMI?

Ok, so I met dh when I was 18 and always horny like any other 18 yr old. I had no problem starting things. But we've been married almost 10 yrs and I am kind of tired of starting things. I tired of getting rejected too. Not because dh doesn't find me attractive but because he's always sore or tired. Dh said he has a problem starting things. So either I put myself on the line and face getting rejected or wait for him to start things which would be never. I've tried waiting for him to start things before and we've gone 6 wks. I have tried talking to him and he says he doesn't know why but he just can't. Anyone else having a problem even similar to this?


Asked by sadira29 at 7:28 PM on May. 5, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (30 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • YES! I had the EXACT same problem! My DH had a lot of problems initiating and not being so "vanilla" in bed. A lot of the excuses were that 1)MY sex drive was above average (it 2) Tired/sore 3) Just don't know why I'm not into it....

    Eventually several things came to light...(prepare yourself, men really aren't that different from women!)
    1) He felt bad about his weight and didn't like being nakey...once he shed some pounds, he started being more open and initiating (this also helped with his 'tired' was due to the weight)
    2) He wasn't used to women being as adventerous as I was willing to be OR offering it up (his ex routinely with-held sex and berated him for wanting to try new things)
    3) He wasn't raised to be so open about sexuality and had trouble communicating his needs/wants (even though they were all very normal)

    Open communication and better physical health helped us. Maybe you too? GL!!

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 7:44 PM on May. 5, 2009

  • It is NOT you!!! This is a great secret among married couples....they don't have sex as much as they did when they were first married. I just watched a report about this as the hidden secret sex lives of men. They lose their upf as they grow older. Sad ..huh?

    If you tire of being in the hot seat...why not make a 'sex schedule' (I know ..real sexy, but ..)...You work out together what days are best and make it fun! Go buy some new outfits and some sexy games and spice it up.

    good luck!

    Answer by MommasCooCoo at 7:32 PM on May. 5, 2009

  • Well he doesn't have to initiate it when you do it for him. It's the same way with my man and I. He is 6 years older and works a lot. He's always down for it when I'm in the mood tho. But i get tired of it too it makes you feel undesired that he doesn't initiate. Tell him you feel undesired when he never initiates. And going six weeks. Wow the problem almost seems worse than that. Does he masturbate at all? There is something deeper here if he'll go six weeks. How old is he? Does he look at porn? A lot of those can effect it. My man doesn't initiate often, but he's always easily aroused. He would never go six weeks though. Ummm. I'm sorry, I feel for ya. You just made me feel a lot better about my situation. Thank you. Good luck.

    Answer by Tickledtrauma at 7:41 PM on May. 5, 2009

  • I heard something that I think is really interesting if you want to try it. Your suppose to have sex every day for a whole month...NO MATTER WHAT. I can't remember what show I heard it from but they said that at first it was a pain but then they really enjoyed it and it helped the married couple re connect sexually and now after that they have sex regularly 1-2 times a week. IDK...its an idea but its not you and my fionce have been together 2 years....we aren't even married yet and we dont have sex Nearly as much as we used to

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 7:49 PM on May. 5, 2009

  • I guess I should have given a little more background to the situation. Dh works anywhere from 40-90 hrs a week. If he's working a normal 40 hr. wk and isn't sore I could initiate it everyday and he'd probably be up for it. Getting it up isn't the problem and keeping it up isn't the problem. It's just getting him to start things for once.

    Ozarkgirl- I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Are you sure you arn't describing my dh? lol. All three of those issues could and probably do have a lot to do with it. I have tried talking to him about a few of these issues but I guess we need to talk again.

    Answer by sadira29 at 8:09 PM on May. 5, 2009

  • It took a WHILE for my DH to admit that it was the weight issue! And it took him a while to come around to being able to 'talk sex" w/o him feeling like I was critical of his bedroom abilities or believe that I really thought he was sexy!

    I think a lot of times we expect men to be these sex-crazed maniacs when really (the good ones) are very similar to us! After all, you hear soooo many women complaining about their men wanting it too much, so we feel like its abnormal for men to feel like we do!

    And I'm sure the whole stigma of society expecting men to be sexually driven makes them feel inadequate when they don't feel like having sex! And that makes it even harder for them to relax and get it on! LOL.

    Another thing that helped us is me explaining to DH that a lot of times if he would just "make out" w/me then I was happy finishing myself off w/o actual sex! (this also worked to get him in the mood too! Sneaky! LOL)

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 9:03 PM on May. 5, 2009