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Step mom questions.....

Ok so I have a 15 yr old step son who I have known for 6 years now and we get along great. He has always live out of state and now is moving in with us (husband and 4 yr old son) just want to make the best transition possible for him and our family. Any suggestions??

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stacB

Asked by stacB at 9:55 AM on May. 6, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (13)
  • Thats a tough question to answer. Just make sure to include him in things even if its just you and your 4 year old, invite him along. I would also incourage your dh to have time for "just the guys" with him that way he feels include as a family member.
    Rebeccaroe

    Answer by Rebeccaroe at 10:05 AM on May. 6, 2009

  • do NOT try to discipline him- that job should strictly be up to dad...I KNOW i will get lots of gruff for that one- but please hear me out- I had it various step parents and I LOVE my step mom- we went to a counselor when I moved there at 14 and they told her to leave punishment up to my dad- we all sat down together and I was told house rules, but if dad wasn't home when I broke one- she would just wait until he got home and then he would deal with it- it really helped us - the step dad who was always laying down the rules just made me resentful and constantly say Your not my dad (no matter how we got along before I moved in) Also- let him decorate his own room- give him a solid canvas and then have a fun time helping pick out sheets, ect with him- even boys want to leave their own mark
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:05 AM on May. 6, 2009

  • Thank you both for posting...I really was excited about you response anonymous , being a step child yourself I appreciate your point of view. I have already planned a room day so we can pick out paint and bedding glad you agree with that.
    stacB

    Answer by stacB at 10:21 AM on May. 6, 2009

  • do NOT try to discipline him- that job should strictly be up to dad...I KNOW i will get lots of gruff for that one-


    Not going to give you gruff for that but I disagree. My step daughter is also 15 and lives with us full time. She is generally a good kid but if I let her ...she'd walk all over me. And well ..that just isn't going to happen. My other half works until 7pm at night so I am home with my step daughter from 2pm till 7pm. It's my job to make sure her homework is done and chores are done. And yes I discipline which is along the lines of taking away the phone or computer. I'm not going to wait 5 hours until her 'real' parent is home to discipline. I believe when your children are in the care of someone else -whether it be a stepparent, grandparent, or babysitter - they need to listen to that person and show respect. Period.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • You and dad need to sit down BEFORE he moves in and talk about the rules and how day to day life and discipline will go so you all are on the same page then when he gets there and settled in a little, sit down and everyon talk about it. It doesn't have to be a "this is how it's gonna be" talk, but your family is going to make a transition and we have found it is better to make a plan first. I've been a stepmom for 10 years now and we have a family that has it's ups and downs like everyone else, but we make it all work and I can't really complain. I do however discipline just as my husband but she was 3 when we started so that makes a difference I think. Good luck! My husband and I even after all these years talk about matters that haven't come up yet just so we'll know each others take on it. It's worked real well for us.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Great answers already. Regarding discipline, my best friend wasn't "allowed" to to discipline her stepdaughters. Dad felt it was his job, not hers. For the house rule breaking, I agree... but two statements from Anonymous are important: "but if I let her ...she'd walk all over me." and "they need to listen to that person and show respect. Period." If stepson stays out past curfew, or fails to take out the garbage, or whatever... let biological parent deal with it. But if stepson criticizes stepparent as a person, as a parent, as a family member he needs to be put in his place on the spot. Have a repoirtoire of statements ready that remind him respect is required. e.g. "That was a disrespectful thing to say/do. Please go to your room until you are ready to talk/work with me maturely." or "We all share this house. I don't believe you would have said/done that to a teacher or other adult. I would appreciate an apology."
    cutiemoose

    Answer by cutiemoose at 12:46 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Not going to give you gruff for that but I disagree. My step daughter is also 15 and lives with us full time. She is generally a good kid but if I let her ...she'd walk all over me. And well ..that just isn't going to happen. My other half works until 7pm at night so I am home with my step daughter from 2pm till 7pm. It's my job to make sure her homework is done and chores are done. And yes I discipline which is along the lines of taking away the phone or computer. I'm not going to wait 5 hours until her 'real' parent is home to discipline. I believe when your children are in the care of someone else -whether it be a stepparent, grandparent, or babysitter - they need to listen to that person and show respect. Period.

    Deffinately agree with this........I was a stepdaughter and I have so much respect for my stepmom now. I also have 2 stepkids one that lives with us, so yeah i got some experince.
    Rebeccaroe

    Answer by Rebeccaroe at 1:54 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • I completely disagree.. Your not the child's biomom.. But your the mom in the household, and you feel free to punish to an extent. I have an 8 year old stepson, and theres no way, while his dad is at work, that I would let him act like a butt without getting on to him.. Be nice to him, do family thigns.. Find out what he's most interested in, and do those things with him. And I agree to let the guy shave guy time, but you yourself should spend some alone time with him too, whether its to buy a cd, or see a movie or something. Always do things together, and never fight about him while he's there.. Good luck!
    PeytonsMom21109

    Answer by PeytonsMom21109 at 2:22 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • keep open lines of communication. Don't try to be his "mom". Listen when he speaks and even when he doesn't. Body language can tell a lot with a 15 yr old.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:14 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • I think a lot of this depends on WHY he's moving in with you.

    Just make sure never to exclude him!

    As for the discipline thing and the sacredness of the vaginal mother, it's all popycock you're the mom in that house and deserve respect as the "mistress" of the house.
    Praying

    Answer by Praying at 4:03 PM on May. 7, 2009

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