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If he insist that his kids are not my concern and I have no right should I expect our relationship to work?

This is the man I chose to help me raise my kids and share our lives together. So I thought. He only wants me to be involved with his kids when it conveint, like when they need money, a ride, have laundry, or are hungry. As a mother its hard to do those things for child and not become emotionally attached. But when it comes to other topics like bad behavior and discipline, He says they are not my concern and I have no right. I feel they have been my concern since day one and I feel like I have earned my right? Am I wrong? Should do as he said and act like they are not my concern since he is apparently ripping away the right I thought I earned. I'm hurt and confused. Should I expect this relationship to work like this? We have been arguing almost everyday for weeks. I think our relationship falling apart. I know its worth saving. I love him and his kids. But he has become defensive and won't disscuss it. Just arguing.


Asked by EVE28 at 3:17 PM on May. 6, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (25)
  • Sorry, just getting to all the replies and noticed the one about children's ages. 11 & 13 are pre-teen ages, and it's normal for them to act out, especially if they're emotionally confused now about their bio-mom, but that still doesn't give an excuse for this man to not stand up for you when poor behavior is expressed toward you, and for not allowing you to step up to the plate. I am thinking he's scared now that their bio-mom is interested in her children again of loosing the kids, and therefore doesn't want anything to upset them. It sounds like he has some growing and coping to do, if you want to stay with him then know that if the children do leave and go with bio-mom that may cause him to have anger/resentment issues with you. It's not fair or right but he needs to figure things out now that life has changed his situation, it's no longer their mom walked out and want's nothing to do with them leaving him in control.

    Answer by Knightquester at 4:20 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • You do not have the right to discipline

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:18 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Im kind of in the same situation so I will paying attention to these answers. Wish I could help but I have the same question.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:20 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Why?

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:21 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • my neighbors just split up b/c she told him her kids were a part of the package they'd been living together for 6 years and he finally got to the point where he couldn't deal with that, the kids are teens now getting into a lot of trouble, and she wanted him to contribute financially and when the kids where good but when they misbehaved she would get defensive and tell him they aren't his kids. i think that kind of relationship won't work in the long run, if you are supposed to love them like they are your own, and help to raise them, then you have to be able to actually play the role of mom/dad when its neccesarry to do so. so when they are with you they have to respect you and expect to be punished by you if they do something, and you should have a say in how they get punished when they are staying in your home. thats JMO

    Answer by vabchmommy at 3:21 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • He only wants me to be involved with his kids when it conveint, like when they need money, a ride, have laundry, or are hungry

    dont do it send them to him ....he will get the point

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:21 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • I agree with him. I do not think you have the right to discipline, that is his responsibility

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:22 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • No he disciplines: For example his 12 year old got in trouble in school and he told me she was grounded. So when she was going to meet a friend I told her your dad said you were grounded. Was I wrong to back him up by attempting enforce what he had said.

    Answer by EVE28 at 3:22 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Okay when it comes down to discipline the biological parents need to be responsible for doing it. It is understandable that you have become emotionally invested in his children but the bottom line is they are not yours. How would you feel if he tried to discipline your bio children in a way that you disapprove of? I bet you would take your kid's side and become defensive as he seem to be with his bio children. The truth be told, I think that if you have his bio kid's interest at heart and he is simply not dealing with "serious troubling behavior" then you need to insist since your bio children are seeing this too. If it is something trivial, then let it go and trust that he knows best. Give us more details maybe we can offer better or more precise advice. Either way good luck and thank you for caring enough.

    Answer by bebita at 3:23 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Do you have any children of your own? How does he parent your children if so? Does he expect not to be allowed to discipline your children? Or if you two have a child together, how does he expect you to maintain sanity if one or two children have to listen to you and the rest dont? You might want to ask him that.

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 3:23 PM on May. 6, 2009