Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

You did it, so why can't I?

That has been the comment spewing lately from my 12 year old step-daughter. My Dh has had her since she was born, and he was a young father, he is 28 now. I guess he went through a rebellious stage, and did some not so good things in his time, some of which she knows about, and some she doesn't. So now she has started smoking, and wants to be allowed to date, go out with friends at night, and have no curfew etc. She has become extremely aurgumentive, and defiant. She thinks her dad has no right to tell her not to do something, when he did it himself when he was a teen. Now Dh said he feels like a hypocrite and bad, because he agrees with her, saying how can he expect her not to do something, when he did when he was her age? It seems now he is not as strict with her now as he was, and lets her get away with too much.
I feel like that whole reasoning is wrong, what should I say and do in order to help them both out?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:24 PM on May. 6, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • There is NOTHING hypocritical about good parenting. Discipline is a parent's JOB, and how well we ourselves obeyed OUR parents has not a thing to do with trying to give our children a wholesome lifestyle and an intact set of values.

    Dating at TWELVE ??? Excuse me?! Our kids didn't date until 17 /18. There is no point before then, the only possible result is getting pressured to engage in adult behaviors which are very corrosive to a child's personality.

    Does her father WANT her to have a baby in HER teens??

    He can legitimately tell her that he has BEEN there, and that is why he CAN tell her - better than anyone else - NOT to follow that example. It is his job to lay down reasonable rules and to enforce them. He should empower himself and understand that he not only has the right to do so, but also the duty.

    A child who has strict parents feels more loved, despite tantrums. "We care enough about you to be involved"
    waldorfmom

    Answer by waldorfmom at 3:41 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • have him explain to her, that the things he did are things he regrets (except her, but if he had the choice to wait til he was older and still have her he would have that way life would be better for her). so he's trying to prevent her from making the same mistakes. as parents i think at some point we are all hypocrites but its for our kids sakes so we have to suck it up and try not to feel awful about it
    vabchmommy

    Answer by vabchmommy at 3:28 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Tell her to learn from his mistakes. Does she really want to be a teen mom? Does she want to put her health at risk just for some stupid cigarettes, which she's not even legal to be using? What's in the past should stay in the past and she needs to learn that her father wasn't perfect and he's trying to make sure she steers clear of the same bad things he did so she doesn't end up ruining her life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:28 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Wow, that sounds like it's going to cause some issues between you and DH eventually. I would explain to DH that he and his daughter are two different people and perhaps he should explain to the daughter that she will learn from his example and he needs to put his foot down and enforce the rules of the house.

    How is she to you? Is she rude to you?

    I remember the last time I talked back to my parents I was 15 and I got spanked for it. I never forgot it.
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 3:29 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Grow up and man up. The fact that you made stupid mistakes in your younger years doesn't give you the right to allow this young child to mess up her life with the things that you described. A simple phrase: I was young and stupid when I did ____- fill in the blank but I have grown and I won't let you become as stupid as I once was, it is called growing up and I did, not it is your turn to accept my authority. Absolutelly no smoking, no dating, no ____ fill in the blank and that is not negotiable or open to debate. When it comes to ______ this isn't a democracy, young lady, this are my rules and I expect you to folow them. Period.

    Why let this young child go to waste based on his mistakes? Dating so young will lead to promiscuity, smoking can give her cancer, late with friends, nothing good can come out of it at that young age, so put your foot down and help him he sounds clueless.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 3:32 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Op here: him and I have been together for 7 years now, and her mom has never been in the picture, so I am the only mother figure she has ever known, and I consider her my own. I am just so worried about her, and her running around and doing what she pleases, is going to lead to nothing good I know.
    I am going to try and talking to him about all this tonight when he gets home. She is not even listening to me at this point, and we have always gotten along together very well, so I don't know if something is going on at school she is acting on, or if it's the age.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • She is 12 and wanting to smoke and date? Hell no!!! The reason he can tell her to not do what he did is because he made mistakes and did things he shouldn't have. He wants the best for her and for her to not make the same mistakes. How did she get the cigarettes to begin with? She is 12, that is illegal. Ground her, take everything away but her bed and her clothes.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 3:47 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • bc it was wrong when I did it and I learned from my mistake" would be a good start
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:27 PM on May. 6, 2009

Next question in General Parenting
straw sippy issues?

Next question overall (Entertainment)
twilighters

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN