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Is placing your child up for adoption something you would ever get over?

I've been coming to cafemom since September of 2007, and I have seen and have been told to 'get over it.'

I have a little sister who will be a senior in high school this coming fall, and her high school drama is something she likes to keep me up to date with. The stuff that she gets upset with, and STAYS upset with often drives me nuts! It's like GET OVER IT! Move on! Etc., etc,.

I understand when you see someone that's down all the time, it becomes almost annoying.. especially when you hear/see it over and over again..but when you have relinquished a child to adoption it is such a loss. It's not a loss like a boyfriend, a loss like your iPod, but it's a loss of your own flesh and blood.

Was it our choice in the end? Yes.. but from my experience it makes it that much worse that it WAS MY choice. Do you believe this is something you would ever get over?

Answer Question

Asked by rainfalls at 8:18 PM on May. 6, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • Getting over it and moving past it are 2 different things. I would move past it as living in the past will only bring you down and keep you down. I would never get over giving up my child but moving past it I would have no choice if I wanted to live a happy life and move on.

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 8:20 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • I was specifically asking about getting over it, since that's the term that is used.

    However.. moving past it almost sounds like to me you're putting it on the back burner.

    Right now, after almost two years, I feel like I'm accepting it. It is what it is, and what's been done has been done, but I'll never get over it.

    Answer by rainfalls at 8:24 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • No if I had given my dd up that would have been the worst mistake of my life. I would never get over that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:28 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Brailynsmama said what I wanted to say. No, you dont get over it, much like you dont get over a lot of things that happened to you in your life, but at some point you have to take ownership for what you are responsible for and try to make the future as bright as you can. There are women on here who journal that they cry every day, and they are years and years after the adoption. At some point, you need to get some mental help with that kind of pain. You shouldnt be paralyzed 20+ years later.

    I dont believe in telling someone to get over it but also dont tell someone who has come to accept their life and are trying to move forward that they are "in denial".


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:31 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • "I don't believe in telling someone to get over it, but also dont tell somene who has come to accept their life and are trying to move forward that they are 'in denial.'"

    I don't either, but when I come across someone who hasn't even dealt with the loss yet and are trying to move forward it just won't work. I tried, I put it on the back burner because I wanted to move forward with my life, and I completely broke. I don't want someone else to have to go through the same thing.

    However, I do believe it is something that the individual needs to experence and realize for themselves. I do believe, speaking for myself, that it's hard to let someone sit in denial.. I know it, because I've been there. I want to say something, but I soon realized that it doesn't help the individual at all. All they need is support, and they'll deal with it when they're ready... because if you're not ready, you won't deal with it.


    Answer by rainfalls at 8:40 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • I think EVERYONE is DIFFERENT. I havent "gotten over" placing my daughter two yrs ago, but I do know that placing her was the right thing to do THEN.

    I still miss her, I still cry and ache for her. But it isnt about me or my feelings/wants. It was and is whats best for HER.

    God forbid that I never hear from her parents or see her again, I KNOW at the end of each day, she is happy and healthy and LOVED!!! Thats all I could ever ask for.

    Answer by TLW514 at 9:13 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • TLW, if you don't hear from her or her parents how do you know that she's happy, healthy, and loved?

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:33 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • You will always be a mother and no one should tell you to get over it- your feelings should be respected and you should be given time and space until your ready to make the next step. That is whomever my adoptive child parents are - they will always be his/her parents and this will be what bonds us.

    Answer by dngoodwin73 at 9:39 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • Because I already know this. I already know that she is healthly and loved. I have full faith in her family and trust. I know people can change but I know that isnt the case with her family. Her family is the best for her. I know that. I believe that. I have faith in that.

    Answer by TLW514 at 10:37 PM on May. 6, 2009

  • I can't imagine how anyone could ever "get over it". I can't say that I have experienced this particular pain, but I have people close to me who have. My good friend since we were 5 was raped at 15 and placed her son for adoption at 16. It was eighteen years later when they were reunited that she told me she'd been having yearly "meltdowns" on his birthday. My MIL carried her secret for decades, and only told my DH that he had a younger sister after her oldest son had died. She never got over it either. I think neither of them felt they were allowed to grieve openly.

    As an adoptive mom, I've had to correct people who make comments like that about my kids' bmoms.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:38 PM on May. 6, 2009

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