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My 14 year old lost her virginity while at her dads this summer.

I found out that my 14 almost 15 year old daughter lost her virginity when she spent a week at her dads. When I told her I heard she had sex she admitted it and I wanted to scream inside, but stayed calm and asked her why she chose this kid and if they used a condom. Thank God she used a condom and she said she thought she loved him. But later found out he just said it to get in her pants. BUT here is my problem..she asked me not to tell her dad,grandma or her step-dad (my husband). I told her I wouldn't. Her dad is a "dead beat dad" and I know she isn't supervised the way any 14 year old should be. I want to tell her dad so he understands why he has to watch her so close. BUT I know she will know I am the one who told him. I don't want to lose the little bit of trust and communication we have. If I tell her dad she won't talk honestly with me knowing I broke her trust. WHAT SHOULD I DO??

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lostmnmom

Asked by lostmnmom at 2:58 AM on Aug. 7, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Dad needs to know. You could be sneaky about it and have dad come up with a way of "finding out" or deal with the fact that your daughter isnt going to spill everything to you. It sucks but during the teen years its your job to be the biggest safety net for your daughter which doesnt necessarily mean her friend. Chances are she is not completely honest with you anyways (not that ur daughters a liar teens just dont tell mom everything) Keep her safe by whatever means necesarry believe me she will thank you later. I know I thank my mom everyday and NOW at 21 she is my best friend but I couldnt stand her as a teen ;)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:12 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • I don't think dad needs to know. If she told you something in confidence you should keep that. Just remind him that she is growing up and she needs more supervision than she is getting over there. Most importantly, talk to her! Remind her that she doesn't need to get into that kind of situation if she isn't comfortable. I lost my virginity at 14 and stayed with the guy for 3 years. It's not the end of the world mom : ) Try to keep her open and talking with you, which is much more important than ratting her out to her dad. Talk about safe sex, love, infatuation, boys, etc, whenever you can.

    sapient

    Answer by sapient at 3:31 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • That's a tough one. If you could go back, saying something like, "I understand how difficult it may be for you to have your dad hear about this, but this is why choosing to have sex is such a big deal. Unfortunately I may have to tell your dad because it's under his roof that you chose to do this." Then I would reiterate that you aren't going to BLAB to the world, but you may have to bring it up to the father.


    (Stupid 1,000 character limit) Part 2 is coming in just a moment!
    wearingyourbaby

    Answer by wearingyourbaby at 3:44 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • Part 2

    Of course, you've already told her that you weren't going to tell her father, and I think now you are bound by that. You can, on the other hand, remind the father that she's 14, and if he remembers, you were __ when you lost your virginity. (or how ever old he was...). I'd also remind him that even if he trusts her, there ARE boys around now, and it may be very hard for her to say no. By approaching it this way, you are expressing your concern, you are reminding him how important it is that she be supervised, and you aren't breaking your trust with your daughter.


    wearingyourbaby

    Answer by wearingyourbaby at 3:45 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • HER DAD IS A DEAD BEAT DAD SO DONT EVEN WAISTE YOUR BREATH ON HIM AND ALSO IF YOUR DAUGHTER TOLD U THE TRUTH ON THAT QUESTION U ASK HER AND SHE ANSWER IT. I THINK U SHOULD DO THE SAME DONT MEST UP THAT TRUST RELATIONSHIP WITH U AND YOUR DAUGHTER ITS GOOD THAT YOUR GURL CAN COME TO U AND TO TRUST U ENOUGH TO TELL HER WATS GOING ON... I HAVE TWO TEEN BOYS AND THERE VERY OPEN WITH ME WITH WHAT EVER THEY WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HOPE THIS HELP WELL GOOD LUCK AND REMEMBER DONT MEST UP WAT U AND YOUR DAUGHER HAVE. CAUSE ONCE U LOOSE THAT TRUST THEN THEY WONT EVEN WANT TO COME TO U AND WHO KNOWS WAT ELSE THERE GONNA DO BESIDES SEX.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:33 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • I think you should discuss it with her further. Talk to her about the dangers of sex and the dangers of boys in general. Ask her if she has regrets. If she says and honestly means she won't do it again for awhile, then dad doesn't need to know. If she feels she's responsible and mature enough to handle it, then she's responsible and mature enough to deal with dad.
    jellyphish

    Answer by jellyphish at 10:32 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • You don't have to tell him that she DID it. Just tell him that teens that age need to be watched to PREVENT it from happening. Remind him what teen guys are about and what they want so it puts the focus on the guys not her. Let him watch over her without letting him know anything from the past. That keeps him alert and it keeps the confidence she shared with you. If she wonders what's up just say parents usually watch teens bc they were teens once themselves!
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:42 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • I don't think you should tell her father. It will ruin all trust you have with her and she won't confide in you again or tell you the truth next time something happens. Just make sure you are having talks with her and providing her all the tools to be a good decision maker and she will be fine while at his house

    I lost my viginity at 14 also. My mom told everyone and made me feel very uncomfortable around everyone in my family. You don't want to do that to her. I ended up marrying the guy I lost it to though and we have been together for 8 years now!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:43 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • i dont think its importat to tell dad. its better that ur daughter has full trust in you. its good to know that you didnt yell at her because that would make her worrie about telling you anything else. you want her to be able to tell you anything good or bad. if dad is a dead beat then dont bother but the next time she goes there however make sure you tell dad that she should kno where she is at all time explain to him like a 5 year old but dont tell him anything that she doesnt want you to. if he asks why ur being pushy on this use the famous parent quote "because i said so thats why"
    Kaylasmomma21

    Answer by Kaylasmomma21 at 11:43 AM on Aug. 7, 2008

  • oh i feel for you, mine lost her's at 13 snuck out, got drunk..ect. her dad is out of the picture so as far as telling your ex...maybe stress the importance of supervision without saying why, or because of his lack of involvement with her, don't let her go over anymore. if questioned why simply state that he doesn't supervise her and interact responsibly with her and you fear for her safety with him. that way no trust is broken between your daughter and yourself, that is very important right now, my daughter who is now 16 is married, not because of pregnancy, blind fool love.
    good luck
    streetangel66

    Answer by streetangel66 at 3:29 PM on Aug. 7, 2008

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