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how to handle my daughters Toxic Friendship at 5

So my 5 year old has this friend who is constantly getting her into trouble. I dont allow my daughter to have lip gloss, I just think she is too young for it. But this girl is allowed, which is fine every mom to her own but this girl is forcing my daughter to share lip gloss with her. When my daughter says no this girl starts yelling and doing the whole "I'm not your friend if you dont" and almost every other day my daughter gets off the bus crying about something this girl has done to her a lot of times its little things but its even if she asks questions in class. I have talked to the other mom about it but it doesnt seem to be doing anything and I have been telling my daughter that we've been too busy to have any playdates with this girl but is there anything else I could be doing? I dont want to tell her she can't be friends with her but man oh man I wanna

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:02 AM on May. 7, 2009 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (6)
  • I don't see anything wrong with telling her she can't be friends with a person who is trying to get her to be disobedient to her parents. The sad thing is that this didn't use to be a problem until children were much older. Our children are grown now, but we were always very careful about who were their friends. We didn't really exclude anyone, but they did their entertaining at our house. What we found was that the toxic people didn't hand around very well. Were I where you are today, I would do everything I could to separate my child from this influence, and I wouldn't care who got mad about it. Your little girl's protection has to be your top priority for the next 15 years or so.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:06 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • For me, this is the hardest thing about being a parent. Mainly because it is all up to your child. You can’t control who they think is friend worthy, but you can help them understand how true friends behave & hopefully raise their standards of who they call a friend. The best way that I have found to do this is by sharing personal stories of mine from my childhood with my kids about my childhood friendships, the good & the bad. I know this is hard. My oldest adored this kid a couple years ago & even though they were ‘friends‘, the adoration was not mutual. It sucked watching my son go through that. I waited it out & this year my son is friends with a boy who is really a friend.

    Answer by carlye828 at 11:30 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • Tell her that she is not to be this little girl's "friend". This is how she will learn when she should dump such a friendship in the future. She doesn't have enough experience to do this on her own now - it's up to you to help her learn.
    And be sure to talk to the school and do everything you can to ensure they are NOT in the same class next year.

    Answer by kaycee14 at 12:28 AM on May. 8, 2009

  • This is a good teaching opportunity. Although you don't want to pick your kids friends and they will meet all kinds of kids throughout their is a good time to talk to her about friends.  To help you explain you could pick up a book about friends which you could read together and then talk about it.  Maybe it will help her identify a good friend and a not-so-good friend (good friend doesn't force you into doing things you don't want to do)  


    Answer by momjs at 12:31 AM on May. 8, 2009

  • wow, flashback to when my babygirl was in kindergarten. same thing. but, yea i did go to the mom..she wasnt worried. so i told my daughter, look at my friends...are we mean to each other? no we're not, otherwise we wouldnt be friends.i told her to tell the other girl that your mom said you werent allowed to play with her anymore. then i find out the school tells my kid to be nice and play with her anyways. NOPE! I went to the school and told them they cant play together and they havent since. my daughter is now in 3 rd grade with the same girl....and now the other girl is a huge bully, and my kid is the only one who doesnt care and defends other kids from that girl.

    Answer by SpitfireShelly at 3:13 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • OP here
    Thanks for all your advice I just spoke with another mom about all this since some new things have developed and found out that luckily this little girl will not be going to 1st grade in the fall since her twin is behind and needs another year so they (the school and the mom) have decided to hold both girls back :D So now the only contact will be morning recess and the bus so it will be very limited.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:27 PM on May. 17, 2009

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