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What are people's real intentions?

I would like to encourage you to answer this honestly, and please feel free to use annonymous if you are more comfortable. Those who post to share the "negative" side of adoption - are you just sharing the information or are you hoping to persuade people not to pursue adoption (both expectant moms and prospective adoptive moms). I know most say "I just want to make sure people hear both sides" but I wonder, are their any willing to admit that their goal is really advocacy against adoption. In this case I guess I'd be referring to infant adoption, as that seems to where the "negative" sides are shared the most.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:22 AM on May. 7, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (38)
  • This will be interesting to hear. My theory is that they are hurting so badly that they come here to inflict that pain upon others and get the most bang for the buck. They are hoping that because adoption has touched all our lives in some way, they can do the most damage in a place like this. Hurting people hurt other people, and really never stop to consider the cost to others.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • I will answer honestly. I support parenting above all other options and I recommend a mom taking her baby home and attempting to parent first before seriously considering adoption. Only because those I know who did pre birth matching wanted to keep their babies, but felt obligated to surrender or they realized they made a mistake within days of handing baby over but were told they were SOL.

    I support adoption when done for the right reasons (yes, this can include private infant adoption), but the way it is all handled and all the laws make it just terrible. Agencies and lawyers make a fortune, the laws lean more on the side of the adoptive parents (as I said, one mom wanted her baby back within mere days and was basically told they would fight it and appeal it until the court granted them custody over the "best interest" and "bonding argument").

    There needs to be a nationwide set timeframe for.....

    Answer by randi1978 at 10:56 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • ....first parents to change their mind. Make it the same across the board. There needs to be better laws that protect everyone involved. Adoptive parents often get duped by angecies and lawyers about the child they may or may not adopt. They are told to hold onto baby, even if the father comes forward and fights. They are doing as they are told by these so-called professionals and often get their hearts broken.

    I am against adoption as it is practiced today. I am against the biased laws, the alterring of birth certificates, the fact that most adoptee's don't even have the right to their original birth certificate, I am against women who scam prospective adoptive parents, and I am against adoptive parents who feel that they are entitled to a baby that a mom wants back within mere days of birth (they do exist).

    That is what I am against when it comes to adoption.

    Answer by randi1978 at 11:02 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • OP here. So wheif you are against adoption today, is your intention when posting on Cafemom to talk people out of going through with an adoption? I appreciate your honesty.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • I believe that although there are some who will admit that they would like to abolish infant adoption altogether, that there are those birth mothers whose wounds are fresh, whose pain is unbearable, and whose dreams have been shattered. Just when they feel that they are able to pick up and go on with their lives, here comes yet another anniversary of an event that takes them back before the day that they now whole-heartedly regret. And not just yearly, but monthly that first year. Every milestone that they are missing or having to watch as a bystander. All adoptions have various circumstances, but those who regret want to spare another mother the grief that they have. Even those who accept their decision and feel good want to caution other mothers to take their time & weigh their options. I believe the intensity of the choice of words often reflects the intensity of the feelings that she has. (con't below)


    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:06 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • (con't from above) ...and with that in mind, those who "attack" adoptive parents have had harmful experiences that can't be corrected in their own lives, but may feel justice if they can prevent it from happening to another child, mother, etc. I believe adoption carries as many viewpoints as participants, and that we can learn from each other. This is JMHO, I know there are many others.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:11 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • I share my story so others know that it is not all rainbows and ponies. So they know that they will feel something after everything settles down. Yes, I want to save another from the grief that many of us feel. But I stress for educated decisions and that can only be made AFTER birth and after the hormones have settled. There is no such thing as an educated decision while baby is still in utero.

    And I hope the same for adoptive parents. That they make an educated decision about adopting. Be aware of what is right, not what is legal. If a parent changes their mind within days, give baby back. If a father comes forward to fight, give baby to father (unless proven unfit). Be aware that it will not be anything like raising a biological child. And respect the adoptee's bio siblings and bio family in general. Don't promise open adoption just to get a baby (lawyers and agencies encourage this practice).

    Answer by randi1978 at 11:37 AM on May. 7, 2009

  • I truly think there are bmoms who are hurting and are living with the uncomfortable realities of adoption that many women experience. For the most part I think that these women want to educate other women: aparents, adoptees, and expectant women who may be in crisis. But I want to add that as valuable as I believe their voices are, I believe the information they want to impart is not heard by the very people they want to share it with when it comes across as attacking aparents. Statements like, "you only want a fresh one" or you don't care about anyone else but your own needs - drowns out what the real and valid concerns actually are. Adoption IS a valid and good way to add to your family. There are unique issues that are specific to parenting children through adoption, unique needs specific to many adoptees, and unique relationships/issues with biological parents and family. There are, for many/some families and

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:22 PM on May. 7, 2009

  • individuals who do live with some negative experiences. But that does not make adoption invalid. It does mean that we need to foster more discussions, look at changing how some aspects of adoption are carried out, and supporting those that are part of the adoption journey. As far as this particular site and forum I can say no educational message can be processed if it is done by slinging arrows and attacking each other. In my experience on this site the education only seems to go one way. That amoms are suppossed to defer to the bmoms only as a way of being polictically correct on these posts. But the amoms are attacked if trying to educate anyone from their POV or perspective. It is one sided in that I wish all could acknowledge that every voice is worth being heard. There is no flat our right or wrong.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:28 PM on May. 7, 2009

  • Yes I think their intentions are to turn you away from adoption, mentally turn you against it and make it ugly. Their adoption situation did not go as planned or they had regrets so everybody should have regrets! They may have been forced into adoption due to their family situation or whatever they were going through - and now adoption is the worst! Some bmoms do not regret their decision and have a great relationship with their adoptive parents- they did their research and choose the best for their unborn child. All situations ARE NOT THE SAME! Whenever I see on the news a baby found in the trash can or in a abandon house or in a bathroom toilet - because the mother was scared - didn't want to be a mother- wasn't financially or mentally ready to parent - All women are not mothers! Don't dislike my decision to place because you hate your decision! If I was in a situation where I felt I could not be a mom I'd do it again!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on May. 7, 2009

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