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When should I tell her?

My daughters father and I were very close. We were going to get married, but it fell through. He has only been around her for 6 months of her life when she was baby. He would come around once or twice a week and would always bring a friend. This friend was the one who talked to DD. He left before she was 7 months old and has never tried to make contact with us or her. He knows our address, not our phone number as that has been changed. He has contacted mutual friends of ours to ask about DD, but Idon't have much contact with them. He is on the birth certificate, worse mistake I made. I just want to know when I sould tell her about him? My DH is the only person she knows as her daddy.


Asked by krissyvelazquez at 12:11 PM on May. 8, 2009 in General Parenting

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This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • Whenever she understands what biological father or birth father means. As she gets older she'll probably want to get together with him to see what he's like, and he should be able to see her, too, unless there are reasons otherwise. It was wise for you to put his name on the birth certificate, because sometime in the future your daughter may need medical care that requires knowing who her biological father is and about his medical history, this is very important. It would be best when you tell her to not speak against him, after all he is part of her, and it will only cause conflicting feelings for her. So speak neutrally about him, not negatively.

    Answer by Bmat at 12:37 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • im trying to figure out the same thing- my son is 5 and he has never been around his real father- his real father was abusive to me when i was with him and when i figured out that i was pregnant and he was still abusive i threatened to leave him and he threatened that if i left him that he would wait till the baby was born and then kill the baby and me in gruesome detail- so i called the cops and got out f there while i could- soon after that he was put in jail for assaulting a cop- to this day he doesnt even know if he had a son or daughter or wut- and i plan on keeping it that way- his name is not on the birth certificate and while i was pregnant is when i met my fiance who has been the only daddy my son has ever known- i have no idea how to break it to him but i think im going to wait till we get married because thats when my fiance said he will adopt him and give him his last name (right now my son has my last name) thats

    Answer by lovelyli217 at 12:36 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • cont. when i think ill tell him well ur daddy wasnt right for us and so he left but that when i met mike and he was right for us so thats why he has been ur daddy all these yrs but now he wants to make it real by giving u his last name- is that ok? and go from there i hope that works out well and i hope u figure something out- i know this is something really hard to go through

    Answer by lovelyli217 at 12:38 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • It all depends on how mature she is. I also think you should talk with her with your DH there. I wish you all the luck. I had to explain to my child that his daddy went up to heaven to be with the angles when he was 4 months old. I told him when he was 7 and it was just the right time for us to explain to him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:50 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • Coming from a child who went through this the earlier the better. My mother didn't tell me until I was 13 and I was extremely upset and wouldn't speak to either parent for a very long time. Please also speak no ill of him and let her meet him if they both so choose at that point. My mother refused to let me meet my bio dad and spoke terribly of him and I still hold that against my mother to this day. I have since met my bio dad and found out I have 3 wonderful half sister's and 2 step siblings that are in my life now. I really do have very ill feelings towards my mother when it comes to this so please handle this with caution and as little emotion as possible when speaking of her bio dad.

    For lovelyli that is different because of the abuse and threats. I think your plan is good for telling your child. There was nothing like that in my bio parents relationship it just didn't work out.

    Answer by aeneva at 1:02 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • I would say as soon as possible. My son has known about his father since he was about 3 or 4, even though he doesn't get to see him (fathers choice).

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 4:17 PM on May. 8, 2009