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should i reconcile this, or just let it go and move on with my life

i never had a good relationship with my dad..growing up he was an extreme alchoholic/party guy. he was always late to pick me up when he did show up, and usually drunk...just not good. as ive gotten older he finally stopped drinking, but we are still really distant. he never calls me, when i call him he complains that i only call once every few months but he NEVER calls me, i dont even know if he knows my birthday. he has no relationship with is granddaughter, i was in state when i had my daughter (i dont live in state because were military) and he wouldnt go to the hospital because it was a hour drive..one part of me wants to kepe trying to reconcile, send emails, try to call, something..but another part of me just wants to give up on him anymore, its been 25 years and he just doesnt seem to care..YET he tells people at his work he has a good relationship with me which is bullshit. what would you do?

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moki1984

Asked by moki1984 at 12:56 PM on May. 8, 2009 in Relationships

Level 11 (573 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • Write him a nice long letter about how you feel about the whole situation and tell him its a two way street. If he wants to be in your life then you need effort on his part and right now your the only one making the effort and in any relationship it takes 2 people to make it work. Get all your feelings out and let him know what you want need and expect from him as your father and your childs grandfather.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 1:00 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • too add..we have tons of issues that need worked out. an example.it really hurt me that when i gave birth, he didnt want to drive up..i was in state for 6 more months after her birth and he knew i was going to be moving again since my hubby is army.i drove to see him one time with the baby and my mom, and he didnt even show up..i had to track him down. he never came to visit me while i was their.Growing up his father did something to me, no detail but it was pretty tramatic, i came out about it and he pretty much ignored it and kept a good relationship with his father which always hurt me. i tried talking to him about it once, and he got mad and said other people should not have to pay too and to forget about it. ...needless to say, i have resentment with my father.he was never a father. but naturally i dont want to just give up but no matter what i do,he doesnt seem to care about me or my family
    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 1:03 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • i get what your saying and ive thought about that.
    im scared to do that....my dad hates confrontation and i expect he will just get mad and say im acting like my mother and he wont respond to any of it. just blow it off.
    i guess when we had seraphim, i expected he would at least want to be a good grandpa. its his only garndchild..im his only child...but i bet if i asked, he wouldnt even know how old she is
    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 1:04 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • Don't bash him for what he has done in the past. Tell him you want and miss your father. Let him know you want a relationship with him and you want him in your daughters life. Men never like confrontation no matter how old they get. He may feel as though you hate him or don't want him around because he hasn't always been a good father. Let the past be the past and explain to him what you want and need from him now. Discuss your other issues over time. Nothing will ever change what has happened only you can change the outcome of what can happen. Life is to short to live with regrets and what ifs. Ask yourself if he were to die tomorrow what would you want him to know? Have you said enough or nothing at all? Would you be okay with his passing or would it eat you alive with all the unresolved issues. Look towards tomorrow and not back at yesterday. My father died before I was 2 and I would do anything to have him.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 1:13 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • I get the impression he is a very selfish man and he will always be that way. Not coming to see his granddaughter, never calling you. Those are huge red flags that he doesn't care that much or is just really self centered. You can love a person and not like them. If I were you I wouldn't bother anymore. I would label him as a lost cause. "I love him, but I can't try to carry on this one sided relationship." And don't try either.

    My sister and my dad have problems, they clash a lot especially with religion. My sister is aggressive and she said she wants to write him a letter like that. I told her to not do it. It will only piss him off. So if you know you could write the letter in a non aggressive way then it would be a good idea. But sometimes people are so stubborn there isn't much you can do. A simple "I love you." is the most you can do and just leave it at that and go your separate way.
    Tickledtrauma

    Answer by Tickledtrauma at 3:02 PM on May. 8, 2009

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