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difficulty making friends, antisocial behavior,paranoid,defensive

ive noticed since i got out of the army.i dont trust anyone other than husband/daughter/mom,when i try to be social i either get really nervous,tense,sweat, or try way too hard and im loud, at dance class i always leave immediately afterwards because i feel like ill be intruding if i stay to chat,i dont have any in person friends, my only friends are states away so not really friends since i move so much (military)i always assume people are talking about me or thinking something negative, my hubby said when he see's me interact in public alone i tend to be intimidating to others, their is nothing soft about me except with my family.its not that i dont want any friends i justcant relax around other ppl. i wanted to have a bbq ,said lets invite ppl, and my hubby said,who? we dont have any friends.he's right.i do playgroups for my daughter but i dont get along with anyone.i wonder if i have a personality disorder or something

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moki1984

Asked by moki1984 at 1:30 PM on May. 8, 2009 in Relationships

Level 11 (573 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • It sounds like you need to ease up and be a little more social and a little less critical and suspicious of everyone. My husband is in the Army and I am far from a delicate little flower but I still speak to others. If you have neighbors then start there. Invite them over for a cook out. If your husband is military then have him invite other guys who are married who have kids your childs age or close to it. You have to start somewhere. Make yourself approachable by not standing with your arms folded, or in your pockets, smile while your walking instead of staring or gazing at people. Keep your hands open and loose and hold your head up high. I don't think its a personality disorder I just think your confused on how to be a civilian. In the military you talk to those you work with and have no choice, you can't just check out of a situation like you can in the real world. So check back in and remember who you are.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 1:36 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • yea becasue before the army...i had friends. you dont think the neighbors would think i was some staring weirdo if i said hey we are going to bbq some hot dogs and hamburgers, want to bring the lil ones over and they can play together.

    our last neighbors, when they moved in i said ok..im gonna try on this one. i made them a big welcome basket with cleaning supplies, towels, candles, dog treats etc. i got a new outfit for my daughter that ws too small so i gave it to them since they had a baby it would fit etc. .....
    but they never tried to be social with me so i just let it go and didnt want to keep pushing.
    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 1:38 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • honestly, try some talk therapy with someone. might find it beneficial. sometimes people find welcoming neighbors strange. it's wierd. They were silly. Don't worry. try to find one person on the net from your neighborhood.. develope and online freindship and maybe one day meet up with hubby of course (for saftey). and see how that goes. where do you live?
    Aasiyah

    Answer by Aasiyah at 1:46 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • I agree that you're trying to readjust to civilian life now you're not in the military. You could also look at yourself and realise your good points and not be too hard on yourself.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:46 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • i live at ft gordon right now, moving to germany in a few months though.
    the army did make me, defensive to put it lightly. lol. some parts of me kinda enjoyed being a hardass, unfortunately it has stuck with me too much. in the army you meet your platoon and instantly, hate eachother or like your brothers and sisters. its like i lost all social skills or something lol.
    well its a really nice day, lil one already swam in her mini pool for a little bit. im gonna go take her for a nice walk to the park, and we'll see if we run into anyone. if we do, i wont be a hardcore bitch lol. ill try to smile haha
    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 1:51 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • I feel the same way. It's so hard for me to make friends, let alone interact. We are always going out with his friends and I don't have any. I was not in the army, I guess it was just a result from being with my husband. I was control with my ex (not in a bad way), but everything was ok and everything was my way he had no problems. With my husband, he kinda put me down in some ways humiliated me and belittled me. We are over that rocky side I guess, but I am not the same person I was when I met him. I know I need therapy and I know I have trouble now communicating with people. He has a hard temper too so I guess I'm scared of bringing my old friends back in the picture because I know if they happen to say something wrong he will just pop up with something smarter to say and I don't want a negative clashing. So to stay on the safe side I don't communicate w/anyone. Kills me and I think I'm lonely now.
    chela17

    Answer by chela17 at 2:09 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • sounds like you just have some social anxiety! very normal! I lost all my friends when I was pregnant (except for the ones who already had kids, but they moved). I wasnt "cool" anymore. so I felt very alone. my SO and my cat were my only friends lol. once my baby was here I attempted going to some playgroups, through a local cafemom group, but they are all military, have older kids and already know each other, so I was an outcast, sat alone while everyone chatted with each other...it sucked! then I went to library playgroups, met a few cool hip moms, close to my age and their babies close to my sons age. I only see them in that setting, but i'm happy with that for now. I have something to look forward to every week! do you have ANY friends or acquaintences at all? only 1 or 2 is enough for a fun bbq! the smaller the better is a good start!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:33 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • no...no one.
    i have a dance troupe i train with but we really arent friends, just friendly while we dance together but thats it.

    just the hubby, daughter and the cat
    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 2:39 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • I know how you feel. I often put on a persona of charm like I love everyone just so that I'm not being awkward. It does take effort. You have to change your mentality and want to make friends. Push it out, push out that smile. It helps to just have a pleasant look on your face even if that isn't what you are feeling inside. Women can be difficult sometimes too, I would avoid groups where cliques are already formed. It's easier when a lady is by herself or with her man and not other women. Just think to yourself, " I want to make friends, and I want people to see me as a friendly person." If you do intimidate people just kick it down a notch and stick with the simple smile and silence rather than a lot of talking. You can do it. A lot of it depends on what kind of friends you are looking for. People at churches are awfully nice. Maybe try your charm on the opposite sex first, men aren't as snooty which makes it easier.
    Tickledtrauma

    Answer by Tickledtrauma at 2:43 PM on May. 8, 2009

  • I'm not so sure it's because you were in the military. I'm like you, and I was never active duty. BUT I am an Army brat, and an Army wife. I think your behavior is a defense mechanism. I've never really had any good friends except for my hubby. I did become close with someone at our last duty station. I'd say she was the best friend, other then hubby, that I ever had. Until our orders were cut, then she ditched me. Guess she wasn't such a good friend in the end. Some people are just not good at making friends. And the more you worry about it, the worse it gets. If you have any hobbies, like maybe scrapbooking, then find a group of women that get together. Slowly work your way in, build friendships. Maybe you will find a group, or just one woman, in Germany and you'll click.
    Buffie95

    Answer by Buffie95 at 2:57 PM on May. 8, 2009

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