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I found a small note in my step-daughters room that said she hated me, I was mean, and that I was always blaming her for stuff. Does any one have any suggestions for this?

Me and my husband have been married for 6 yrs. I had a son, and he had a daughter coming into the relationship. Three years after we got together we had a son together. I don't treat any of them different, they are all equal no step or anything like that. Her mom passed away when she was 2, and my son's father has been out of his life for maybe 3 yrs, so therefore we are a faimly with no interuptions of other parents. Every time she gets mad or I correct her she will say the same thing over and over. when i do the same with Tyler he doesnt say any thing, plus she assumes that she gets the blame for everything even though she did , she dont see it that way. Any suggestions, PLEASE!

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bigbabysmama

Asked by bigbabysmama at 9:21 AM on May. 9, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (15)
  • sounds like you need to have a sit down talk with your dh to make sure you are being fair and impartial (you probably are- but best to get another opinion just in case). after that, i would go to her (you and your dh together) and discuss her issues along with the expectations you both have for her. it could just be the age. GL!
    gabenmikeysmom

    Answer by gabenmikeysmom at 9:25 AM on May. 9, 2009

  • I teach 6th grade and regularly hear from parents that their kids hate them. I also hear from the kids how much they hate thier parents.  You being a step mom might not have much to do with it. I'd tell her you found the note (unless you were snooping, then she'll REALY hate you) and it hurt your feelings. Don't scold her or be mad, just tell her you love her and you hope that was written on a bad day.


    It 100% normal for kids that age to think they are being treated unfairly. It's actually a developmental stage. As they become more independent they also become so self centered that can't understand other people's perspectives.


    Just try your best to praise her when she's being good so she realizes you don't ride her all time. It also might not hurt to point out to her when the other kids get punished, just so she gets the idea that all of them have rules.

    MAUREEN55

    Answer by MAUREEN55 at 9:46 AM on May. 9, 2009

  • Although it's hard, don't take this too personally. Our kids (by birth or step children) at one time or another ending up "hating us" because we didn't give them their way, were too strict, said or did something they didn't like.....but they end up "loving us" and appreciating us when they are mature enough to understand why we do the things we do as parents. Girls can be more emotional and may "verbalize" those feelings more than boys. If she says I hate you, tell her you're sorry she feels that way today, but you still love her and are trying to do the best job you know how to do for her as a parent. Kids need our love the most when they are acting the most unloveable. Don't give in to the thinking of "you love her/him more than me" because kids do that whether they are step kids or not! I think she needs some one-on-one time together with you. Go do some girls only stuff together (shopping/lunch etc.)
    momjs

    Answer by momjs at 9:51 AM on May. 9, 2009

  • i wrote letters and poems like that at that age, never thinking anyone would see them. it was a way to get my anger out without being spanked or grounded bc i unleashed it verbally on a parent. after i let it all out in writing, i would feel better and forget i wrote it and were i hid it too.
    hormones are all out of whack at that age and it was written as something to hurt you... but i promise she didnt really mean it. it was just her only way of unleashing her emotions. if she really meant it.. you would know... and she would probably walk right up to you and hand you the note.
    here's what my mom did when she found these mean notes. after she snooped around my room (which i now realize was her parental right... it was HER house.. so dont feel guilty that you snooped). she would unfold the note and leave it out in the open in my room... so i would know that she had found it, read it, and felt horrible. but she would never ..
    honeybee429

    Answer by honeybee429 at 10:03 AM on May. 9, 2009

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    ever talk to me about it. and i would feel sooooo horrible knowing she read it that i would cry.. because at that moment.. i didnt mean it anymore or feel that way anymore.

    good luck
    honeybee429

    Answer by honeybee429 at 10:04 AM on May. 9, 2009

  • i think it is mre her age than anything at that age i hated the world lol. it is nt that she hates you cause you know deep down inside she does love you. all kids i think go threw the " i hate my parents so i don't have any i was hatched from a pod syndrome" it sounds like you should sit down and ask her why she feels this way and explain to her that you are hurt by her saying so. i wouldnt tell her you found the note this may make her side more with the hating you feeling. explain that you love her just like you do the others and that the love for all the children in the home is equal. yes you love her equally but explain what you love so much about her or her brother or sister. for example if she is a joker or quick witted explain that you love how quickly she can think of hings so hilarious off the top of her head or you love how she helps around the house and tell her what she truley means to you as well as the others.
    BlendedMommy009

    Answer by BlendedMommy009 at 12:27 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • i wouldn't just this as an issue just with her i would sit all the kis down even dad and have it be like an open discussion go around the room and say to each child " do you know why i love you?" let them answer so you get good food back on how they think you love them and why then ask them to do the same for you and dad and eachother. you will be surprised she may open up and say why she hates you and you can use this opportunity to "correct" what she feels is wrong and before its over you may even here " i am sorry and i love you" i have done this in my home and it helped alot. no more hidden feelings.
    BlendedMommy009

    Answer by BlendedMommy009 at 12:32 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • I think it is a given that most teens/tweens have moments of hating their parents. I certainly wouldn't tell her you found the note unless she intended for you to find it. If so, I would tell her how it hurts you... really let her know you care, and that you also understand that it's rough growing up. You have to stress that she is going through alot of emotions at this time, and you are too!!

    Find moments to connect (shopping, movies) and push her to talk to you as much as possible - I tell my daughter that I'd rather have a good argument with her than not talk at all, and the more we talk, the more I'm likely to see her point of view (little chance... but maybe!) And I try to ask her about her friends, I do try to take her shopping and let her pick stuff, listen to her music, etc... I want to be available and talking to her when she faces the bigger decisions as a teen/young adult.
    PhillyinFrance

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 12:35 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • This is very common. SHes just expressing her thoughts at that moment. My daughter carved the words "I hate my dad and the devil" on her headboard. My dh and I laughed our heads off. He had done something to upset her. Probably told her no about something and that was her response. All kids say that they hate us. Its not they hate US per se, but more what we are doing or telling them to do. They dont like rules, but yet deep down inside, your rule, your consistency and your parenting probably gives her security. She doesnt really hate you and there will be a day where she realizes that you are her best friend and greatest advocate. Its just not at 12 yrs old. At that age, everyone is the enemy. No one loves them, no one cares and no one listens. Thats just how they see the world. By 15, it calms down a bit. Keep on showing and telling her you love her and youre there for her. She will eventually open up.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 2:22 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • IT'S TIME TO SIT AND HAVE A MOTHER TO DAUGHTER TALK, IS SHE JUST GETTING HER PERIOD? IS THERE OTHER THINGS GOING ON OTHER THAN THE DEATH OF HER MOM, I ASK THAT BECAUSE OFTEN TIMES KIDS ACT OUT WHENN SOMETHING IS GOING ON, AND PERHAPS YOUR NOT AWARE, MAYBE SIT DOWN AND ASK HER WHY DOES SHE FEEL THAT WAY, THEN ASK YOURSELF HAVE YOU MADE HER FEEL DIFFERENT? TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL SAFE LOVED AND COMFORTABLE WITH (YOU), BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF THE HOUSE THE TWO OF YOU WILL BUT HEADS, TRY TO GET IN HER HEAD UNDERSTAND HOW SHE FEELS, THAT'S NOT TO SAY LET HER RUN OVER YOU, JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHE IS A CHILD THAT IS GROWING UP AND HOPEFULLY THE TWO OF YOU WILL EVENTUALY WORK THINHS OUT, MAYBE HAVE A LADY'S DAY OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, HELP HER SEE AND UNDERSTAND YOU LOVE HER AND ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR HER AND IN LIFE THERE IS RULES THAT WE ALL HAVE TO FOLLOW RATHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT. GOOD LUCK
    mememommie

    Answer by mememommie at 4:02 PM on May. 9, 2009

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