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As an adoptee, may I tell you what I reflect on for Mother's Day?

I hope this post doesn't start a bunch of drama - PLEASE!! Adoptee moms often are the minority in posting their views/perspectives in this Q&A section and in adoption-related groups.

I'd just like to say for MYSELF that Mother's Day brings mixed emotions for me as an adoptee. I think longingly and lovingly about the two moms that have made me who I am today. For me there is no ranking in my love for these women - there is enough room in my heart for both to be on equal footing. There is no "first" or "birth" or "natural" applied in my heart to the woman who was unable to parent me. There is no "adoptive" applied in my heart to the woman who raised me, who has never said a negative thing about my other mom, who has been there and continues to be there for me every step of the way.

Answer Question
 
PortAngeles1969

Asked by PortAngeles1969 at 12:27 PM on May. 9, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (21)

  • No matter the post-adoptive situation you all find yourselves in.....may there be abundant grace, peace and love that you feel on Mother's Day.

    I am not in reunion with my birth mom but my relationships here on CM with birth moms of the same ear give me a measure of grace, peace and love that helps when I cannot direct my message of love to my birth mom on this day.

    This will be the first Mother's Day my adoptive mom faces knowing that I am fully searching. I pray that God will give me the right words to convey just how cemented her role is in my life and that my search does not dishonor or discount the amazing and wonderful woman she is.

    This will be my relinquished daughter's first Mother's Day. I pray that as she now lives the role of Mother instead of merely being the receipient of the role, she is able to extend grace to the two moms in her life in a new way. There is room for all, it takes WORK but is worth it
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 12:34 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • I agree 100% with you. I, too, am an adoptee. I had the fortune to know my birth mother as I was given up at the age of 5. I will be forever grateful to her for the love she gave me and the courage it took for her to realize she could no longer care for me.

    I am grateful to the woman who has raised me, guided me, and loved me since I was 7 years old. I am not her "adopted daughter." I am her daughter. I am her own. Because of her love, I have learned that blood or DNA is not what makes her my mother. It is the love, the tears, the sympathy and empathy that she has shown and we have shared. What makes a mother are the actions of love.
    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 12:34 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • Happy Mother's Day, PortAngeles1969! May you find peace in your journey. You have been a blessing to me and I pray that one day you are in reunion with your birth mom. You have alot in common already. I pray that your Mom realizes that this is something that you have to do for yourself, and no reflection on her raising you. You are just needing that last piece of the puzzle that only your other mom holds. (Forgive me, I am trying to use the same words for your moms as you did, I hope I am not making of mess of this...) You have shed a lot of light in this section of CM and I am glad to learn from your POV's (Cause you have a lot of them, LOL!)


     Again, Happy Mother's Day!happy mothers day2

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:49 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • PortAngeles1969
    That was beautiful what you wrote.
    I know as a amom I would never hold my daughter back from wanting to know her birthmom.
    Our adoption is open and I intend to always keep it that way.
    When ever my baby is ready I will take her, if she wants me to go, I will take her to where ever her
    heart wants to go and see.
    I love our birthmother, she gave my baby life and she made me a mother.
    Nothing in the world to me, can compare to that.

    bussimommi you made me cry...your message was beautiful to
    Happy Mothers Day out there to all of the wonderful
    moms that make
    this world go around.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 12:51 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • Mothers day is hard for me. Not as the mother, but as the daughter. I struggle because I dont have the feelings for my mom that I should. And I dont have strong feelings for my birth mom either. Ive never had the feelings I should for either women. That wasnt my choice, but its how I feel. Wish I did share your feelings. I hate that I dont, and wish there was a way to gain those feelings I lack. However I know my own children have those feelings for me, and I see what it is to be a mom and know even more that I lack attachment and feelings for mom.
    cathy
    JESSEMOM

    Answer by JESSEMOM at 12:52 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • What a beautiful post-Thank you for asking and posting this - all adoptees are actually happy and comforted that their parents made a good choice. No titles just love for them all!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:43 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • anon 10:43:

    Thanks for your comments, just wanted to clarify that using "ALL" can lead us down the path of arguing about our different experiences. Because I am not yet in reunion, I cannot say that I know that my birth parents made a good choice from their perspective. I can only speak to the perspectives I have on my own experience and yes you are correct, in my heart there are no titles for my sides of the family - just love.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:53 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • Thank you all for sharing your feelings about Mother's Day and the moms in your lives. Port, I hope you are able to be reunited with your mom soon. I also pray that your mom will support you in that, and not feel hurt. My good friend was reunited with her son when he turned 18. They would both like more contact, but his parents are not supportive. I believe they spent his whole childhood fearing the "mystery woman", which is sad. She is not a monster trying to steal his love away. She is a wonderful person. Anyway, sorry to sound like I'm making this about someone else. I just wanted to say that seeing what she is going through gives me some insight. Happy Mother's Day to all!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 4:12 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • Thank you for sharing. It sounds like both your moms are awesome ladies.
    Katie911

    Answer by Katie911 at 4:34 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • Ahh thanks for the post PortAngeles!! I feel so lucky to have met you, and to have had you through the past (almost) two years! Can you believe it's been that long? YOU, have been like a mother to me when my own mother hasn't been able to. Thank YOU so much, and Happy Mothers Day!

    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 5:18 PM on May. 9, 2009

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