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Do you think the constant battling here is really between the different sides of adoption or more between those who believe in adoption reform and those who don't?

It seems to me, the more I read here in this section, the more it seems that the lines aren't adoptive mom, birthmom, adoptee but instead drawn between those who are speaking because they believe adoption needs serious change and those who believe adoption has already changed and is good how it is.

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:40 PM on May. 9, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (24)
  • I think it's both in some cases. I think there is a lot of tension between adoptive mothers and birth mothers on here because either of them may feel threatened, jealous, etc., or it may be from their own personal experience with adoption. Adoptive mother's who's child's birth mother isn't a good person, or with birth mother's who's adoptions were closed on them, or how they were treated by the adoptive parents.

    When you have a bad experience with something/someone, you're not going to think highly of it/them. I also believe that most birth mothers are all for reform because of what a lot of us have been through... I can't speak for adoptive mothers because I have no idea what they think of reforming adoption.

    No matter what 'side' you're on... there is absolutely no need for being cruel to others. Asking questions should always be ok; we're all here to learn.

    Answer by rainfalls at 5:11 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • Good question. But I am not sure I think that it is about changes that make people "take sides." I can see where adoption laws need reform. But that doesn't mean where I think changes are needed that someone else believes they are needed. I know that while I am for reform I have disagreed with some of the suggestions that others have pointed out need to change. But this site is so full of passion and each "side" views it as protecting their child. So the gloves sometimes come off. There really isn't very honest and good communication. When the attacks start flying I tune out. Or I watch/read but don't comment. Its a shame really. When I think about that women posting on here are grown adults and they resort to name calling and saying how sorry they feel for other people's makes me wonder where all the mature women have gone to.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:01 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • I dont think it has anything to do with reform, it has to do with the generalization made. There are many people who are talking as if they know first hand about something just because their side has made this their "cause".
    If my child's bmom is not on drugs, I shouldnt generalize on here that bmoms are on drugs. If I am a bmom who didnt adopt through an agency, I shouldnt be on here trashing agencies. If my bmom didnt take expenses from me, I shouldnt say that all bmoms want money. If I am a bmom with an open adoption, I shouldnt be on here telling people that all adoptions close. If my child's bmom is not trying to stalk me, I shouldnt say that she is doing so, etc etc. Not that you cant take up a cause because your "friends" are involved in it but some people are dedicating all of their waking moments to complain about something they dont even know first hand.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:20 PM on May. 9, 2009

  • I don't think the problem is all about adoption reform, although that is part of the problem. I think people naturally look at their own situation and sometimes generalize based on what their experience was, or what they thought it was.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:45 AM on May. 10, 2009

  • I don't think that is the drama AT ALL. I think we would all like to see adoption reform in the BEST interest of the children in some form or fashion. I think the division is because some lash out and are frankly very hateful, ugly and attempt to smear adoption. I am passionate that my kids will NOT think badly of the method of delivery that built our beautiful family. It infuriates me that someone places a child and hopes that child has the best life imaginable, and then other mothers that have also placed begin to say things that will serve to give all adoption a bad name...thereby hurting the adoptees even further.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:14 AM on May. 10, 2009

  • I think you're probably onto something there. I'd agree with that statement. I also think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Foster Adoption and Infant Adoption are lumped together under the same "Adoption" umbrella when they are so very different. And then of course there's the ever popular anonymous button which allows people to say whatever they want without having to own it.


    Answer by onethentwins at 2:47 PM on May. 10, 2009

  • When it comes to adoption reform, my sense has been that this is actually an area that birth moms and adoptive moms can generally agree upon. Agree in the sense that it's a good idea to reflect upon and improve things for the adoptee (and moms) when it makes sense to do so. Not every adoption reform suggestion will work for every post-adoptive situation though, and that is where I see the most upset in posts. It's easy to have strong ideas about things that would have worked well in your situation and assume that if it would have (or did) work for you than "that's how it should be for everyone". That's the danger - remaining open to the amazing variety of both adoption situations and individual human beings. If you are open to the experiences of others and filter it to take what might work for your situation and when nothing fits just appreciate where others find themselves, that's the gift.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 8:01 PM on May. 10, 2009

  • Quote: And then of course there's the ever popular anonymous button which allows people to say whatever they want without having to own it.

    I just saw today another threat to "smack" someone on yet another bmom's page. Some Amoms dared to call the poster out on inconsistencies in her posts and journals and her friends had to rush to make her feel better buy threatening physical violence towards Amoms.

     I will stop posting anon when I feel safe that everyone on here is mentally balanced (ie never).


    Answer by Anonymous at 1:31 PM on May. 11, 2009

  • To the anon above me, you do realise that this is a virtual place and no one can actually reach out  through your monitor and smack you? There is no possible way that physical violence can happen here.

    Cafemom seems to like virtual smacking. LOL:-



    Answer by onethentwins at 3:06 PM on May. 11, 2009

  • Really? Twice now certain people are getting up in arms because - between cafemom friends, on their OWN profile pages - somebody is using "slap" in the same general terms you hear all the time, everywhere in life when one friend is trying to cheer up or support another.
    Let's make a big deal out of the that and ignore what happened to these members before "slapping" ever even came about. Lets make them bad for using "slap" and "us" better even though, especially with the last one, others felt it was okay to attack them in the first place. Glass houses, shouldn't through stones - remember that little jewel. That's what this sounds like.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:24 PM on May. 11, 2009

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