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unpleasant mothers day need help please no bashing

ok so its mothers day and today i didnt call my mother. im 19 years old and married to my wonderful husband. and im 7 monthes preggo.

my mother hates everyone and everything shes judgemental and has absulutly no poeple skills she was mentally and phisically abusive to me and my sister growing up the only favor she ever did us was when she was gone or at church or involving her self in the vfw and trying to make us look like a normal faimly.she called today saying that i owed her an apologgy and a mothers day gift. i cant stand the woman and she is always saying that im coming between her and my father and trying to ruin thier marraige.and when ever she loses something or gets mad its my fault and i dont even live with her, i meet up with my dad at coffee shops or reastraunts and buy him meals.

idont know maybe i do owe her a mothers day present what do you ladies think i should do here ?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:08 AM on May. 11, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • OMG OMG OMG! I swear it like I wrote this. Thats exactly how my mom use to be. Until my son was born and I quit talking to her for about 6-8 months. Now she is a totally different person. I told her I wasn't putting up with her shit anymore and I didn't have to. I explained I'm an adult, She no longer has control over me.Also that if her evil ways kept up she would not only not hear from me but wouldnt meet her grand children. Well she kept it up, and thats when I quit seeing and speaking to her. I came back, simply because my heart felt heavy and I felt it needed to be fixed. (our relationship) She now is very nice to me and keeps all her snoty comments and attitude to herself. I swear shes a different person now. But anyways I don't think you owe her a thing. Unless of course you want to. But unless its YOUR decision and not her reccomendation I say nope. Its your life you don't have to give her anything. PS you can add me
    LucasMama08

    Answer by LucasMama08 at 3:16 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • First, you don't OWE her a present. Even if she was the best mother in the world, a present is something that you CHOOSE to give, not something that you HAVE to give. HAVING to give it, or OWING it to her then means it's not a gift - it's a payment.

    Second, if your relationship is this bad, and she was that bad at being a mom, then you can write her a letter and tell her that you didn't send her a mother's day gift because, given your relationship and her feelings towards you, and, as a result, your feelings towards her, you felt to pretend feelings that NEITHER of you have would be hypocritical.

    Tell her that you respect that she probably did her best, however, given the abuse you went through as a kid, you don't wish to remember the past or celebrate it.

    Then, be done with it. DON'T let her draw you into this or make you feel bad. IF you want, next year, send her a card.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:17 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • seriously i cant believe that some moms think just because they spit out a kid they deserve mother of the year awards well didnt you deserve a pleasent childhood or some sort of kindness from her? well anyways i have been there and if YOU dont want to get her anything then dont a mothers day gift comes from the heart like the cards my kids made me and i loved them and felt proud that they thought enough of me to get me anything mothers day is not an obligation it is to express your feelings for your mother and it seems to me you did a good job of it she just wasnt smart enough to get the hint dont buy out of guilt buy out of love!!!!!! GOOD LUCK
    lilmammaweisner

    Answer by lilmammaweisner at 3:20 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • cont

    You don't have to send one of those gushy, I love you cards, or even a funny, what a great mom you are card. You can just get a blank card or a simple thank you card and write in it, thank you for giving birth to me. I'm sure you tried your best. That way, you're acknowledging that she did give birth to you and raise you (as horrible as it was), but you aren't lying about it or pretending.

    Again though, that's only IF you want to send it. You shouldn't feel that you HAVE to, or, honestly, given your past with her, that she has a reason to expect it.

    Just hang in there, and don't feel guilty - and DON'T give in and buy her a present. How you handle this will help set the tone of your grownup relationship with her, and you don't want her to be as in control of it as she was your childhood.

    Good luck, and hugs to you!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:21 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • You will make your life easier if you just forget she ever told you that and went on like she was noone. Yes she gave you life, but if she wants honoring, she should actually be a mother all the time. Not when it is convienent for her.
    Good luck hon...no no present for momfromhell.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:24 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • You don't OWE her anything. If you wanted to do something for her, you would have. Guess I'm lucky, 'cuz my mom was excited when I brought her a bottle of her favorite soda and her favorite candy bar. I'm super broke and had to use food stamps to even get that... Oh yeah, and I made her dinner :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:25 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • I am so sorry that you had to go through this! I would send her a Spiritual Bouquet. I would buy a blank card with a flower on the front and then inside, thank her for having me and explain that each flower, or petal pictured, represents a prayer that you said for her. Offer prayers for her healing. I wonder if she is hurting herself and as a result, lashing out at those that are closest to her, or if she is acting like this way just because she can. In any event, she needs healing. You will be surprised, if you pray for her and ask God to forgive her for the hurts she has done to you (Forgive her Dear Lord, for she knows not what she does.) how much pain will be lifted off your shoulders.
    At the same time, don't be a doormat. When she calls, and is verbally abusive, just gently say, "I love you, but I won't let you talk to me like this. Please don't call until you can be nice, and then gently hang up. Cont.
    Monicalucia

    Answer by Monicalucia at 6:11 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • Cont.
    Don't engage with her. If/When she calls back, with a calm gentle voice, just repeat, "I love you, but I won't let you talk to me this way. Please don't call back until you can talk nicely to me" and then gently hangup the phone again. If she calls right back and speaks kindly, you can talk. If there is any other response, without saying a word, just gently hangup the phone and then don't answer when she calls back. Unplug you phone for awhile if you must. Then each time you think of it, rather than get upset, just say a short prayer for her.

    If you are even with her in person, just do the same thing, "Mom, I love you but if you can't be kind then I need to leave." Keep you voice gentle, get up and leave. Don't slam the door or rush out in anger. It will be hard, but don't engage in an argument or exchange ANY words at all, but just keep walking. Love and prayers work miracles.
    God bless you! (((huggs)))
    Monicalucia

    Answer by Monicalucia at 6:26 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • What a shame that there are moms out there that are so awful. I jut wonder why she is like that? Was her mother abusive? It is not right for your mom to try to make you feel sorry for her after what she has put you through. If that is how she acts I wouldn't talk to her. Your unborn child does not need such unfluences in his/her life. Just be sure that you always try your best not to be like her when you have your child. I think everyone deserves to have a loving, caring, nurturing mother. I feel so sad for you and others who have been abused as a child. It sounds like you get along with your dad-just surround yourself with the positive people in your life. The negative will only bring you down. I don't think you did anything wrong. When she can apologize and repay you for what she has put you through I still don't know if I would ay she deserves a mother's day gift.
    javiandjaysmom

    Answer by javiandjaysmom at 9:19 AM on May. 11, 2009

  • I wonder what kind of life your mom had when she was growing up. I wonder if the reason she has no people skills is maybe because of the way she was brought up. It is often quite helpful to try to look past a person's behavior to see if you can find a reason for it. It doesn't mean we can change that person, but it does enable us to be more compassionate and understanding of them. The sad thing is that when we simply reject them as bad people, we further hurt them, and we also hurt ourselves. Also, sometimes where a parent is concerned, we can honor the "office" even though the person holding it is not someone whom we admire and want to emulate. She did give birth to you. Without her, you would not be here, and that alone should count for something. Mother's day is just a day, but maybe it could serve as a reminder to you to rethink your attitude toward your mom. Maybe she needs your help more than you needed hers.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:22 AM on May. 11, 2009

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