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Is it okay for me to absolutely HATE my husband's job?!

1st, here's a little background. We have an 18 month old autistic son and since he has been diagnoised I have been going through a depression that I've had to get on medication for. I'm slowly getting better and he is starting to slowly catch up to his peers....very slowly. He has 3 therapists and an early intervention teacher he has too see weekly. So, my schedule is basicly playing the part of mommy taxi all week long and trying to figure out what's wrong with my son like you would a newborn since he isn't very verbal. It's stressful and frustrating most days, but we make it through. My husband recently got a new job that I thought was going to be great. It's a monday through friday job so he has weekends off. Sounds great, right? Except for the fact that he goes in at 8am and doesn't get off until anywhere from 10pm to 1 am! It's a salary papying job, so it's not like he's getting paid over time. *cont.*

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:53 AM on May. 12, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (13)
  • *cont.* So, today after I got home with a fussy baby (since he refused to take a nap again!) I wanted my husband's help getting groceries in. He pulled in the same time I did...10 pm. But, noo...he brought home his work laptop and said he had to "get to work." Wtf?! He couldn't take 5 minutes to help me with one little thing?! I'm so frustrated and I don't even know how to explain it to him, or if I even should. I'm sleep deprived and the sole caretaker for my son and the entire house plus our 2 four legged friends...I can't do it all! Any ideas on how tog et things running smoother? Sorry so long.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:57 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • If he's not gettting OT he should be getting comp time unless he's management. Waiting for your addendum.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:57 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • What's comp time? I've only every been paid hourly, so I really have no idea. Thanks!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:01 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • OK, just read your addendum. hating hsi job is always fine. Never anything wrong with that. Bugt that;s not the real issue.

    Can you get help? Maybe from a church group? Or a neighbor? Someone to run the errands that you don't have time for? Have you located an autism support group in your area? That will be invaluable for you. Perhaps a neighborhood teenager can do some cleaning or take care of the dogs?

    Dn't be afraid to pare down to just what's needed for survival for a bit, till you get caught up on your rest. Housework can wait. Better,...leave it for him to do on the weekends.

    Or price a housekeeper to come in, say, every other week to do the floors and the big stuff.

    Check out flylady.net for tips on streamlined ways to keep your home clean...15 minutes a day and done.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:01 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • How long's he been at this new job? Can you allow him time to get his footing there? It shouldn't be like this forever. OR does he escape the problem at home (dealing w/ autistic son and depressed wife) by burying himself in work? How has he dealt with your son's diagnosis? Could be he doesn't know how to handle it so he just hasn't? You are being the rock, it sounds like. Can you hire help, even twice a week so you can get away for time on your own? To answer your question, he should be helping when he gets home and your sleep depravation is a problem. I was talking to DH just today about how dangerous that is for new moms. You tell him you need your sleep, whatever happens, you need to sleep. Really try talking to him and tell him how you feel and have a few ideas of how to restructure time at home for both of you. Hang in there!
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 1:03 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • Comp time is paid time off. He needs to check his employment contract and the labor laws...they may NOT make him work extra hours without compensating him in some way. Either money or paid time off (NOT vacation or sick time...PAID TIME OFF that is separate from those).

    Now if he's in an exempt management position, you're SOL. But if he's NOT a manager, the employer is violating labor laws by not compensating him in some way for the extra work. Clear Channel Radio had to make some HUGE payouts to employees for that kind of abuse a few years ago.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:03 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • It's OK to hate his job. You have to try, in your frustration, not to make your husband feel badly. Men do not think the way that we do. I'm sure he has financial concerns over our sons special and additional needs and providing for them and your household. I'm sure he doesn't like being away from you so much or leaving the burden of running the household and caring for your son all on you. I'm sure he may, in his own way, feel helpless. He sees how hard you work but also how hard he works himself. I'm sure he wants to spend more time helping you but worries that this economy won't present him with a more flexible job. He has to do what he has to do to provide.

    I say this because that's how my husband feels. I often get jealous of him for GETTING to go to work. My position as a SAHM is 24-7. When he works for days on end (24+ hour shift work), so do I. When he gets home, he's too tired to help out.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 1:07 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I get so irritated at him when he's not home to help and point out to him how my job never ends. I've pointed out to him that it's not fair that he's at work and I'm at home working but when he gets home he gets to take a break from working but my job never ends. If I hand our son to him to take over once he gets home, now HE'S the one whose work never ends. You just have to find a happy medium. Me complaining to him about what his job requires is the same as him complaining to me when "you were home all day, why aren't the floors cleaned." I may be home all day but I didn't have the time or opportunity to clean the floors because of my son's needs. We have to accept the limittations of our spouses, even when we don't understand them and try to work as a team.

    My saving grace is of course prayer but also to get stuff done as soon as it needs it. The more it lies around, the more it piles up.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 1:10 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I've never heard of that! I wonder is he knows about comp time? Hmm...that's something to bring up. Whenever he gets off that darn computer! I don't have the money to hire extra help. My mom has moved a little closer and watches him from time to time, but usually during those times I'm catching up on housework or getting groceries or something of that nature. My me time is a shower and the occasional computer time when my son is sleeping. >.< My life has kind of vanished so I can take care of my son.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:10 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • *your son, in the first post rather lol. I forgot the "y"
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 1:11 AM on May. 12, 2009

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