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what do you do if you realize that you don't love/aren't attracted to your hubby anymore?

we've been thru good and bad but after 9 years i just don't love this man anymore. it's not that i hate him...i love hanging out with him but i have no physical attraction to him. i don't want him to touch me sexually, i don't want to kiss him, when he kisses me i feel nothing. i know nothing is wrong with me in the sexual department b/c i still get plenty horny and masterbate and i find other people very physically attractive.......just not my husband. i'm just not really sure what to do at this point. we've tried working on things, spending more alone time together (which is really hard to do when there's not a desire for sex) but i don't think i'll ever feel that way for him again........


Asked by Anonymous at 8:43 AM on May. 12, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I've fallen in and out of love with hubby many times over the last 16 years. I've went thru times that I could look at him and get all turned on and other times I wonder if I'll ever be attracted to him again. Looks aren't everything, but apparently you're not feeling it either... more often than not, you get what you give so I'd say try seeing him in a different light. Look at the person inside the body. If you can have fun with him and enjoy being around him then you still have plenty to work with. Do fun sexy things together. It's hard to look at the man that misses the toilet sometimes, who stinks sometimes (well in the bathroom mainly), who can't pick up his laundry let alone help you do it, who does all of the things that drive us crazy with lust in your eyes and heart (and love) but I can almost guarantee you that if you were to lose him today it would break your heart. Imagine life without him for a second or two

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 9:56 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I really don't know what to rell you other than i am in the same boat you are, if you want to talk send me a message. thanks maybe we can figure something out.

    Answer by J.Ann96 at 9:16 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • Im going to be the jerk here but my answer after having been through a divorce and what it does to kids, is to stick it out. I don't care how you do it but your lack of (insert whatever here) for your husband should not come before the kids need to have their mom and their dad raise them together. I am very sorry that you are at this place in your life. I certainly hope that some how things turn around for you and your husband soon. The vows were for better or for worse....We have become a society where we are quick to throw things away and replace them all too quickly. This isn't finger pointing as I was guilty of this myself. I do honestly hope you find a place where you and your husband can "fake it" through until the kids are out of the nest.

    Answer by mamakirs at 9:21 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I think that the fact that you masturbate is part of the problem. Try stoppin that, and see what happens. Also, sexual desire follows the way a woman thinks about her husband. The more negatively you think about him, the less you will desire him. I also think that we women always dream of the ideal marriage which leads us to become dissatisfied with the less than ideal. You can't maintain the warm fuzzies all the time. They come and go. The key is to learn to appreciate that you have a good man. Think about all his positive qualities every day. The last thing I would advise you to do is to concentrate more on loving him the way he deserves to be loved and less on how you want to be loved. An amazing thing happens when you do that. You will find him loving you more the way you want to be loved, and you will very likely fall "in love" all over again. There is a difference in loving and being in love. Better to love!

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:27 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • Ok im going to be the one to tell you that i think it would be best for you to get a divorce. I know that sounds bad but that happend to my parents and they stayed togeather for a few years and they were miserable. That caused them to argue all the time and it made things worse for me and my sister. After my parents got a dovorce they were able to at least be in the same room with eachother because there was no sexual tension. i was 9 when my parents seperated. yes i was upset but things got so much better. Still try to work things out. Im not saying to go run to a lawyer and file papers today. But just try counceling anything. Its better if you can work things out. But if you cant then get out. It will be better for the kids...and this is from a kid thats been through it.

    Answer by Shelii at 9:52 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • My husband and I were there about a year ago. Friends and family said we should throw in the towel. We decided to and got a counselor to help us through our divorce. We went to individual counseling and then as a family. My divorce attorney was great and only handled divorces if the couples were in couseling. I thank him daily for not being a money grubbing attorney. In counseling we discovered we do love each other and decided to give things another shot. We started dating again and in time he moved back in with my children and me. We have a deeper bond and connection now than at any point in our marriage. We know there will be rough times and now feel together we can weather that. Seek counseling if it doesn't work out then use the sessions to help you help your children during a divorce. Kids do get hurt by divorce anyone who thinks otherwise is in denial.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I would say if your not attracted to him anymore and if you dont love him anymore then yes it is time for a divorce why lead your kids on thinking thier whole life yall loved each other and then when they are grown get a divorce so they can start thinking wow thats weird they always been together why not now??.....

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • There are medical conditions that can cause this. A talk with your doctor and a few tests can rule out if this is a hormonal issue or not.

    Answer by isabellalecour at 11:36 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I have absolutely no physical attraction to my husband and I know that I am not and never have been in love with him. I have lived the last seven years of my life miserable because of this. I haven't kissed him literally in six years. We have sex and I enjoy it because I like sex, but not the fact that it's with him.  I'm leaving.  I've cheated twice and he doesn't deserve that.  I don't hate him, I could hang out with him as friend anytime.  I feel like I live with my brother.  I'm not going to stay for the sake of the children, I'm going do what I have to do and make the best life possible for them. 


    Answer by MommyAddie at 11:55 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • i just want all you ladies to know that i am taking each answer into consideration. thanks so much for your input and for being nice posters and not attacking or bashing anyone. i'm really gonna think long and hard on this and hopefully i make the right choice.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:02 PM on May. 12, 2009