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Not sure where to post this....

So my husband and his ex are pretty close she claims he is her best friend. He talks to her, but she is ALWAYS the one to start the conversation. Recently she has been bringing up their past, their break-up, and a "child" she lost. (Not sure I believe that part, because she was about 6 months along and had a miscarriage from his cousins hitting her stomach -- doesn't make sense to me) Anyway so I told my husband that the next time she brings it up he needs to tell her that he doesn't want to talk about it and it's not appropriate for her to keep bringing it up. It's the past for a reason. He agreed and said he would. But my question is do you see a "motive" here or am I letting it go to my head? She hasn't came out and said she wants him back, but she's said she regrets breaking up with him, and it's just the way she says things. I'm not worried about my relationship I just need to know if I should handle this differently?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:56 AM on May. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • It sounds like she is trying to guilt him into going back to her. I agree with what you said the past is the past. If she regrets leaving him then thats all on her she shouldnt make him feel bad for what she did. And bringing up the kid that they "lost" thats just low. Im glad that your not worried about your relationship and how you two stand togeather thats going to help just talk to him about it and tell him what you think she is doing. Thats what i would do.
    Shelii

    Answer by Shelii at 11:00 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • IMO I don't think they should be best friends, you should be his best friend.
    I think you should make it clear that it's not healthy for him to have a relationship with his ex. Getting along for the sake of children is fine but otherwise he shouldn't cross that line.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 11:01 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I think you do have a reason to tell him that he needs to let her know that she needs to stop. It is in the past and if she wanted to remain his "best friend" she should be able to respect the fact that he has moved on and is with you now. He has a new family. Girls are so weird sometimes. They just simply like to get what they can't want and to me that is exactly what she is trying to do. Maybe she might not want him back, but says those kind of comments in front of you in order to get some kind of negative/jealous reaction from you. Just stay on your toes, but don't let her know that she is affecting you because maybe that's all she wants. I do think you have a right though to be bothered by the situation.
    chela17

    Answer by chela17 at 11:20 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • just for the record... I can believe it's possible she lost the baby from a blow to the stomach. And if he's her best friend, when she's upset about the baby she lost, he should listen to her and be there for her (who do we go to when we need support?).
    Personally I think their shared past should be dropped, but maybe she needs to learn from it, to know what she did wrong, or let him know what he did wrong.
    I lost a baby (she was stillborn at almost 34 weeks) and I'm telling you years and years later you do still hurt, you're angry if it was something that could've and should've been prevented (punching to the stomach most definetely could've not happened and shouldn't have happened).
    If you're secure in your relationship... then don't worry about it, she needs a friend on some days. Around the anniversary of my delivery (it's not considered a miscarriage at 6 months I don't think) I have a really hard time. She is too
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 11:37 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • OP here: I am sorry for you loss, no one should have to go through that. So let me go into more detail: The cousins that "hit her stomach" were under the age of 4, they had no idea she was "pregnant". When you are six months along you do not have a miscarriage, you would have a still born, and she did not have a still born. Also, they are not best friends, she "says" they are best friends. He could care less, he just talks to her. If she is having a hard time with their break-up and the "loss" of a "child" then she needs to find some girlfriends to talk to IMO. I was just asking because I wondered if I need to let her know how I feel or if it should come from my husband. I don't need a lecture.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:54 AM on May. 12, 2009

  • I would say it is best if it comes from your husband. You are doing a good thing by staying away from her. He might mention to her that there are support groups on the web like CafeMom. She does need some girl friends and probably women who have "been there." I don't see why a blow to the stomach couldn't possibly detach the placenta and cause the loss of the child? And you posted in the right place.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:20 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • By telling him, in front of you, that she regrets their break-up is very serious. She mustn't be saying things like that to him in front of you. Or not to him full stop. She's obviously still saddened by the loss of a child but that isn't your fault. How does your husband feel about this child loss? IMHO he shouldn't even still be best friends with her if she's inclined to miss their old times together. You should discuss this with your husband. Tell him that you feel sorry for the child loss but you're concerned about this being brought up and you are hurt by listening to her go on about their breaking up. If he's sincere and loving towards you then he should understand.
    DaffodilFae

    Answer by DaffodilFae at 12:24 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • Ok so I am on pretty good terms with my ex husband as well. I am happily remarried but I do speak to my ex 3-4 times per week, when hes not in jail. The only difference is we have children together. I don't love my ex any  more by any means but I like him a whole lot more not being married to him.And far as her pregnancy goes, I wouldn't get into that with him or her to much. It happened before you and there's not a whole lot you can say about it. Good luck.

    lostshel

    Answer by lostshel at 1:25 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • One of my best friends is my ex. My husband has met him, they're buddies now. My husband, in the beginning of our relationship, didn't like that EX & I were close but he realized that EX & I had broken up for a reason. I can't imagine not having EX in our lives, he's a great support system to me.
    My husband has an ex that we're friends with as a couple as well. She grew up with him, they dated while she was in college & he was at Tech School for the Air Force. I love her.
    Infact one of my closest friends right now is one of my husbands ex's. I hated this girl so much and now we talk all the time!

    It all depends on your husbands motives, as well as his ex's motives. There could be a wonderful friendship there if you would give it a chance.
    prettylilrae

    Answer by prettylilrae at 2:22 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • I am sorry but unless they share a child together there is no reason for them to be friends. I know women enough to know this is trouble. I would never ever call up an ex just to say hey. The fact that he has had his penis in her does not constitute a life long relationship. She needs to go away!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:12 PM on May. 12, 2009

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