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My friend and I both started TTC. I got pregnant and 9 months later she's still TTC. How can I continue to be supportive of her? She's pushing me away. :( No Bashing Pleases. I'm just frustrated and hurt.

My friend has been TTC for 9 months. I also started TTC in August but I got pregnant in Ocotober. My friend hass basically quit talking to me. I try to be as supportive as possible but she just seems to not want anything to do with me.

We went through real TTC issues with our first child so I understand what she's going through but at the same time I was still there for my friends that were getting pregnant all around me. It's almost like she wants me to be sorry that I'm pregnant and I'm not. I know she's hurting but it's kind of getting frustrating.

The thing is she refuses to chart. She just wants the doctor to give her drugs but the thing is she hasn't been TTC for a year & hasn't charted so the doctor doesn't know if she has a real problem & he told her that she needs to lose a minimum of 50 pounds before he'll help her (she weighs about 300) & she won't.

I just feel like I'm running out of support. HELP!

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:20 PM on May. 12, 2009 in Pregnancy

Answers (11)
  • Edit- Please not Pleases. My "s" button is in over drive for some reason.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:21 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • We ttc for over a year, and then when we go pregnant; I had a stillborn at 23 weeks. Never once did I turn on my friends whom I'd met along the road who were still ttc or just getting pregnant. Yes it hurt to see sometimes, and I'd get very emotional- but deep down I was genuinely HAPPY for my friends who were having babies.
    Your friend sounds like she is just stuck in that "pity me" stage and won't pull herself out of it. I tell people who ask this same question that you can ONLY DO SO MUCH to support her and if she is going to push you away, then ultimately there is no much else you can do without becoming an enabler to her self pity.
    If she is not properly charting, then I can't honestly believe she is "THAT DEVASATED" that she's not pregnant yet. I bent over backwards trying to conceive... charting, monitors, testing. Sounds like she just likes the pity imho.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • I agree. We charted, ate a special healthy diet that the doctor recommended for fertility, bought a fertility monitor from my doctor, went through numerous test, tried everything you can imagine (some crazy and some normal), and much more so I don't really get it but I try to support her.

    I don't know. You ever heard of that song "My givadams busted." I hate to be crappy but I'm really starting to feel that way. :(

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:38 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • The worst thing you can tell a woman trying to conceive and having difficulty is what she "should" be doing. We tried for 2 years before it finally happened. All along, people were telling me I needed to "relax" that "it would happen when it happened" and "I needed to do X or Y" blah blah blah. What they didn't know was that I had tried everything, and if it really was a matter of "relaxing, I would have gotten pregnant without thinking about it. I really don't know why it finally happened, and neither does my doctor. Sometimes there's no reasoning behind it.

    The best thing you can do is simply be supportive and by being there for her. Don't tell her she's doing something wrong-- you really don't know what she's tried and what she hasn't. And if she's pulling away from you, let her pull away for now, but remind her you're there for her.

    Answer by Busimommi at 12:46 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • I haven't told her to try ANYTHING. All I've done is be supportive. I know that she isn't charting or losing weight but those are things her DOCTOR told her to do not me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:52 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • Her weight has a lot to do with it. She needs to realize that!

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:56 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • its going to be hard for her to accept the fact your pregnant and shes not. she probably just needs some space. me and my husband tried to get pregnant for oh i suppose about two years. and during that two years i had several friends get pregnant. it upset me bc some of them werent even trying. im sure if you two are good friends she will come around, and i wish you the best of luck with ur pregnancy and hope it goes smoothly. if you have to give any advice at all here is the advice that my husband gave me.. other people get pregnant when god is ready to bless them withthe miracle of life.. he will surely bless you...but right now him and father time are just having a disagreement about when. it made me laugh and helped me lighten up.. sure enough now im 6-7 weeks pregnant.. once again good luck and congratulations.

    Answer by audreybaby at 2:06 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • Shes probably not mad at you, shes probably just hurting and feeling left out. Basically, as long as your supporting her, its all you can do. You have no control over her feelings or how her situation is playing out. Its not your fault and she needs to know that no matter what happens, you will always be there for her. I usually don't advocate for emailing or writing to someone about personal feeling issues, but since shes pushing you away, maybe you can just send her a letter or email letting her know you miss her company and you are always there for her. Leave the door open for her to deal and return when shes ready. Its likely that her distance isnt personal towards you but just a coping mechanism to deal with her hurt and pain about not getting pregnant. So do what you can and then let her come to you when shes ready. It sounds like youre a good friend.

    Answer by momofsaee at 2:25 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • I would say something to her like "Listen, I'm sorry you haven't become pregnant, all I can suggest is you take your doctor's advice to heart. But you are still my close friend and I miss you and need you." Have you considered asking her to be the Godmother?

    I know what it's like. I have a friend we got married around the same time as me, she divorced less than a year later and went back with an ex boyfriend. 5 years later with her desperately wanting a baby but not really trying she pretty much only talks to me when she's talking about something fun she's doing. When I told her I was pregnant again i got ZERO responce....she's been e-mailing and texting me like I never said hurts

    Answer by Mom2Jack04 at 2:27 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • I don't think there is anything you can do. She's got to come to terms with it herself and learn to appreciate what she has and to be happy for others.

    My cousin has been trying for years and I got pregnant the first month off birth control. And you know what, she was honestly happy for me. She was glad I didn't have to go through what she has been. Some people just handle it better than others.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:15 PM on May. 12, 2009

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