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stressful situation

my 3 yr old stepson just started a new prep school he loves it and doing the homework but the morning time in hell. he refuses to get up says he hates school and that he does not want to go and that he wants to go to MOMS ( aka the woman who doesnt give 2 shits about him never did a thing with him and handed him over WILLINGLY to his father, now we have him permanently and were ecstatic as is he) Nick says he hates his mother he hates living with her and wants to live with daddy and I. He refuses to talk to his mother on the phone. He and i have an excellent relationship and has grown exceptionally close with me. Is there a way we can make this situation less stressful on him? Please help with advice!

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Asked by NicksAshALee at 2:53 PM on May. 12, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

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Answers (13)
  • Okay, is Nick the 3 yr old? I think school that early in the morning and all day ( is it all day?) is a lot for a 3 yr old. Hes still pretty much a baby and I think too young for school. IMO, only, of course. Its just hard on them to have to keep the same type of schedule that older kids keep. Some older kids cant even do it. Is there a way he could do something different school wise? Does he have to go? So is he the same one that doesnt want to talk to mom? Well if shes done something to make him feel this way, then you cant really change his feelings, but don't demonize her in his mind. Meaning if hes already mad, don't agree with him. Just tell him you are so sorry for how he feels. Being that hes been put into a new home with you and dad, its possible that he would beneft from some counseling. Just a person to talk to and express how he feels in a 3 yr old way. Thats a fairly large change for a child that young.

    Answer by momofsaee at 3:38 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • Nick has been in school/daycare since he was 3 months old.
    He just started this new school recently
    He loves it when he is there but has trouble leaving daddy and i ( seperation anxiety? )
    he lived with his father and mother together until the age of 2 and a half. lived with his mother for half a year mon thru fri and spent fri sat sun with us. until the end of april when his mother gave him up to us.
    she is an awful mother. makes him mac n cheese on monday and feeds it to him until he eats it all. usually by thurs, feeds him only pb n j and chicken nuggets. no fruits no veggies spends no time with him does nothing with him and just picks him from from school and feeds him and puts him to bed. we on the other hand do everything with him. he expressed that he wanted to stay with us without us saying a word to him and never once have we talked badly about his mother. we always repremand him when he says such. he needs to be in

    Answer by NicksAshALee at 3:44 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • daycare bc both his father and i work.... he doesnt want to ever talk to his mom on the phone. he refuses to say i love you to her. but at the same time tells his father and i that he loves us to the moon and back. he in no means is in a stressful situation coming to live with us. this is his home and he even says that he knows... i told his father before nick was living with us that maybe he needed to see a counselor just to get things straight for him, he told me he is too young for that and doesnt want to put him thru that.... thank you for your help!

    Answer by NicksAshALee at 3:46 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • Sounds to me that Nick is a little overwhelmed with all the new transitions in his life...Understand and realize that Nick is only 3 years old...he doesn't have the mental capacity to really understand why his mother doesn't want a 3 years olds eyes, he loves his mother and she has no faults at all...Nick could be telling you and your dh that he loves you because he doesn't want you to leave him like mommie has left him...please understand that just because mom in your eyes is no good, doesn't mean that Nick feels the same way...he's 3...he's going through a lot of transitions in his've got to be patient with him, understanding and loving to him as well...and you cannot downplay the fact that this 3 year old is now living with you and your dh but not his mom....Can I ask you a question? How do you know what his mom feeds him? I'm in no means implying that she's a great mom, just curious...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 3:58 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • Okay..I see now. Well, then hes used to the school thing. I was thinking in relative to MY 3 yr old who wouldnt last 5 min in school....LOL...Hes just always been with me. I know you don't think its a big transition but it is for him. The back and forth thing was probably more harmful than anything. I did that as a young child and I hated it. Probably what hes going through is the idea of "wheres mom". I mean 3 yr olds dont really get why they were once doing one thing and now they are doing something else. He was seeing his mom regularly and now hes with you guys all the time. Thats pretty stressful. Not bad stressful, but transitional. All kids deal with transition differently. Its great that hes now with you and your dh who love him and can provide a stable environment for him. Its also good that youre bonding with him. He needs a mom for sure. Mom means youre the one loving and taking care of him. It has nothing to do with

    Answer by momofsaee at 4:00 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • biologically. I think counseling is great for anyone who can communicate. What they will do is sit down with him and play with him. They might let him color or draw or play with toys and just ask him questions while hes playing. Its quite theraputic actually and he would probably have fun and get to release some thoughts that maybe hes having a hard time putting into words with you. The counselor will also know the right questions to ask and be able to give you some ideas. Theres no stigma with counseling. Its there to help him, not to put him through any more. Maybe your husband feels like its not "acceptable" to ask for help in that way. Hes not too young as long as he can talk and obviously he can. Is he still seeing his mom? If she doesnt want to see him then I wouldnt make him go, but let her know she cannot come in and out of his life. Its get in or get out. Thats what screws up kids minds. Wishy washy parents.

    Answer by momofsaee at 4:04 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • His mother did this when she was still living with the babys father ( my bf) and she tells his father everyday what he eats. its the same. mac n cheese no fruits no veggies pb n j maybe a grilled cheese. and chiken nuggets, he wont try anything he sometimes eats spag and meatballs. but we are trying to introduce new foods to him she says it herself that he is a pain in her daily life and she doesnt want him anymore. nick feels the same way about his mother. he said i dont love mommy bc mommy doesnt love me. mommy is mean to me she yells at me and spends no time with me. i mean. i dont know what else to say he is 3 but very smart and knows that his father and i love him. he says daddy and ashley love me but mommy doesnt. its sad. very sad but at least we can make up for the love in her dept bc i love him as if he were my own. my bfs own mother says im better to Nick then nicks own mother was...

    Answer by NicksAshALee at 4:17 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • I totally agree with you on the fact that his back and forth to his mother and father and vice a versa was very hard and confusing. Sundays when we would take him home he would scream his heart out how he never wanted to leave us and didnt want to go back to mom and it breaks our hearts. and even when we had him on the weekends he himself would say out of no where daddy i dont want to live with mommy anymore. i want to live with you.i want to live in my house. ( where he was raised with his father) We recently just started keeping him during the week. ( for 3 weeks now) His mother got him sunday (2 weeks ago) on sunday and she called 20 mins later after we dropped him off ( he was screaming of course) we couldnt even understand him on the phone he was crying so hard for us to come and pick him up because he doesnt want to stay with his mother. so we went and got him and his mother said keep him i cant handle him. of course we

    Answer by NicksAshALee at 4:22 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • were ecstatic so we started looking for schools for him found one... but in the meantime. his mother is supposed to take him fri at 6 til sun at 6... she has gotten him once, mothers day... at 11 am on sunday and dropped him back off at 1pm... she said that he told her he was tired. But nick also said. Mommy im just visiting with you. im going back to daddys, so i mean he knows. he wants to stay with us. and im actually going to bring up the counseling thing to Paul. No harm can be done by it if anything it may help us in learning how to handle and coach him. its just so frustrating that its upsetting.... nt that its getting me angry but I dont want to see any child go thru this. esp him. he is so smart that they moved him into the 4 year old class and he just turned 3 in march!

    Answer by NicksAshALee at 4:26 PM on May. 12, 2009

  • for now. he sees his mother well is supposed to on fri at 6 to sun at 6 but she hasnt done that soo.... she is too busy with her life and her new bf to be bothered with her kid, her exact words.. she is planning on moving to SC soon and she is not allowed to move /live 15 miles farther then she is now. (its in the papers) so what im figuring, she already gave him up to us, its only time until she forgets and doesnt care,,as bad as that sounds.. and Paul has to pur his foot down to her and say ur in or out.... he is 3 he has his mind of his own and its sad that he feels this way to his mother but its not something paul or I made him think or feel. its all on his own.

    Answer by NicksAshALee at 4:28 PM on May. 12, 2009

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