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Why do women allow themselves to be in abusive realationships?

I have seen several questions asking about abusive relationships and each time I am amazed. I can't help but question why these women are allowing their SO to treat them with such disrespect. Is it because this is a learned behavior or is it a form of low self esteem among the women? And why do so many people make excuses for the behavior that the men display, it was because they were jealous,sad,mad, etc.. Why is this still acceptable in this day and age?

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Asked by ronjwake at 4:09 AM on May. 13, 2009 in Just for Fun

Level 7 (175 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • This is tough. I dont really have a clear answer to this because I myself am still questioning this of other women as well as myself. I think every relationship I have been in has had some level of abuse....amongst all I have suffered being kicked/punched/slapped/choked/drug by my hair/had my hair cut/had my nose broken/fat lips/cuts/lumps & bruises/had food & drinks tossed on me/been spit on/been suffocated/hit w/objects/been ruthlessly cursed out & put down/etc....I have asked myself countless times WHY!? What the hell am I doing? I always fought back or stuck up for myself getting it worse but I always allowed it to continue by staying in the relationship? I do have self esteem issues but I know I could always find someone out there so being alone was not the issue...I think for me it has been a combination of what I seen growing up so it feeling not necessarily normal but something I am used to seeing/hearing, feeling

    Answer by whispers2005 at 4:22 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • guilty because I fought back & used the verbal tactics too so im just as much to blame, also the fact im embarrassed/ashamed & dont want family/friends to know so I hide it as much as possible & hold it inside/make excuses as much as I can ( you sometimes lie about stuff so often it feels like the truth or it least sounds okay ), theres also the comfort zone so even though you may not be happy you are comfortable w/the person because you know them so well or you been together so long you just figure deal w/it or they will change eventually. Then there are the times you did do/say something wrong & so you feel you brought on the repercussions in a sense. When you love someone its difficult as hell to let go of the feelings you hold deep/the ones that made your heart fall for that person to begin want to close your eyes to the pain & visualize the moments that made you feel alive basically temporarily paralyzing

    Answer by whispers2005 at 4:29 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • your heart/mind. It sounds crazy but I have lived it. Im a strong woman in many ways believe me...but when you put all your heart/soul/trust into somebody & dedicate all your time/energy & they turn around so suddenly & snap....its difficult to understand...but overtime I learned that during the time you spend trying to make excuses/convincing yourself &/or others its going to get better...& questioning when/where/why it went wrong?? are wasting time of your life & hurting yourself..because it wont change, he wont get better, & if it miraculously did!? IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.....wounds will heal...but scars though will fade & can be hidden will always be there to remind you & its just not worth it. If you have children......domino effect.

    Answer by whispers2005 at 4:38 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • I don't think us women really have the best answer for you. Some men get beat or some kind of abused by a women and the men don't know what to do. My ex was very bad and im lucking to be alive today. I for a really long time saw my father hiting me and my mother and really though that was what love was. Well i was wrong and today i do know what love really is and i have someone that loves me with every single bone and being in him, and i feel the same way. Yes im a truely very happy.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:42 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • I survived an abusive relationship for 5 freaking years...the reason I stayed so long..Because my prince charming didn't start physical-emotion first..I thought I was useless, no one would want me, etc.. Then the physical started.  It is a cycle..hit, flowers, apologize (never happen again)..then again and again..At times, I thought I made him hit him because of some action.  But the last one was when he broke my jaw and my child witnessed it. 

    I made a plan..I was a college student so no income but what I did was hide money in the wall of our house until I had enough to leave. (I had tried to leave but he always found us..chased us in the car, etc).  I kissed him goodbye, dropped him off at work, and hauled my ass.  My child and I moved into a woman's shelter..he found us in 5 days..was calling there saying I had a warrent (he was a cop)..the shelter moved us out of state..then it happened again..


    Answer by Dani32 at 4:42 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • we moved a final time.

    Note: I didn't stay because I loved him..stayed because of scared and self esteem.
    I don't regret a day that has passed..I would not be the woman I am today had I not experienced any of this sad situation. My current DH dares not use abusive words or become physical. He was told when we were dating that if he EVER puts his hands on me in a harmful way he best not lie down because that would be the last time he lays down. I am no longer that door mat..I stand strong on my two feet..

    Answer by Dani32 at 4:43 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • It's really a combination of things, I think. The most "successful" abusers know how to pick their women, and women with the key personality traits of an abused person seem to be drawn to abusive men. For their part, the men often begin by making the woman feel she's the most important thing in the world to them...which allows them to slowly isolate the woman from her friends and family. He makes their relationship intense, so it becomes a world of two. That way, when the real controlling begins, she has no one but him. Women who are abused often have no self-confidence, no self-esteem, and are even sometimes self-loathing. On some level, they feel they deserve what's happening, or at least that there is no real escaping it.

    Part of the problem comes in how girls are raised. Often they're taught from birth that men are in charge, they're to be obeyed. Our society spends a lot of time making excuses for men's bad behaviors.

    Answer by jespeach at 4:53 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • cont..

    Gradually, many women become immune to the bad behaviors of men..they're to be expected, accepted. With abused women it goes a step further. She begins blaming herself for everything. She's to blame for how he acts. She blames herself for being mad at him. She blames herself for pushing him into whatever he's done to her. If only she'd made a better dinner or kept her mouth shut or not spilled that drink. He tells her it's her fault, and she believes it. He breaks her down, demeaning and humiliating her at every turn until she begins to truly believe she IS worthless, she IS deserving of his "punishment". Many of these women were abused as children, so they inherently believe that it is "normal" on some level. Some even think they will be a failure if they leave, because they couldn't keep their marriage together.

    The situation is different for every woman, these are just my thoughts and observations.

    Answer by jespeach at 5:04 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • My mother was in an abusive relationship with my stepdad at the time. The reason she stay had something to do with the gun he kept pulling out everytime she tried to leave. She finally locked him out and got rid of the gun. Thank God

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:36 AM on May. 13, 2009

  • For some that is all they know, that is what they grew up with so they feel that is normal for a relationship.

    Answer by lapcounter at 7:38 AM on May. 13, 2009

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