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Does anyone still have contact/relationship with someone that molested you?

My step-father touched me inappropriately a few times growing up, but besides those few times he was a great dad, so I still have a relationship with him. However ever since becoming a mother it just doesn't sit well with me. I can't imagine not having him in my life, and I don't EVER plan on her being alone with him, but I don't know if she will judge me when she's older...I just don't know what to do.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:33 PM on May. 14, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • Well, not me personally. But my MIL and her sisters were all sexually abused by their father growing up. They treated him like father of the year until he died a few years ago, when he died you would have thought he was king of all dads.......and I never understood it....

    They were concious about their children being around him when they were growing up, but I dont think they were aware enough...in my opinion.

    Its just beyond me how someone can abuse someone, but still be called a great dad....just b/c he did other things that were good...to me, one thing is enough to be GONE.

    But I am harsh about this topic and highly paranoid. And over protective.

    I would just be seriously overprotective of her around him....

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:37 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • Nope - haven't seen the guy in 30 years. Luckily, he was not family, so once he was gone, he was gone for good.
    JPsMommy605

    Answer by JPsMommy605 at 4:47 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • Yes, my brother forced me to perform oral sex on him several times when we were both children (me 6 and him 13). He has a daughter and I am not concerned for her safety at all. He is not the same as he was when we were kids, had years of intensive therapy and treatment. We don't pretend this never happened or was anything other than what it was.

    As for your stepdad, you say he "touched you inappropriately." To me, that's a sidestep. Did he do something that you're not sure was molestation or did he do something specific? There's a big difference. Why don't you just ask him if he's going to do whatever he did to you to your daughter? See what he says. If nothing else, it'll call out the giant pink elephant in the room.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:48 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • OP here: Well when I was about 9 I fell and hit my rib area. I remember him touching my breasts(well whatever I had there at that age lol) and I remember being uncomfortable. I also remember him wanting to watch me change and I got embarrased and so he left. Then nothing until I hit around 17. We were home alone and he ended up grabbing my breasts, he immediately appologized and told me not to say anything to my mom. I didn't, but then the very next night he tried going down my pants. My boyfriend told me I needed to tell my mom or he would.

    I thought maybe I wouldn't say anything to him about my daughter unless he was to want to watch her or something then I would say absolutely not and for very good reasons!

    My family is somewhat close so just cutting him out of my life seems almost impossible. I'm not too worried about my daughter being around him because she will never be left alone...period!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:59 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • cont. I am worried about how she will judge me when she's older though.

    Thanks everyone!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:01 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • I'm the anon from 4:48. What happened when you were 9 was irrelevent. Mountain out of a molehill. What happened when you were 17 is an issue, and your boyfriend is right.

    From what you said, this guy's not an out of control pedophile. He's not going to molest your daughter, but I wouldn't ask him to babysit or anything!

    By the time she's old enough to come to this guy's notice (14, 15, say) he might be dead. Or gone. Or in jail. If she hits 14 and he's still "grandpa" then I really recommend telling her something like "there were rumors he did this to a girl, so don't be alone with him and let me know if ANYTHING happens." That way you cut the guy some slack if it was a one-time thing without terrifying your daughter and ruining her relationship with grandpa. I don't think you should tell her it was you. I think that even parents are allowed their personal space. A lot of people will disagree, but that's my 2¢
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:13 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • OP here: I personally feel that what happened to me at 9 were the beginning signs...personally. I remember knowing that what he was doing was wrong....it just felt wrong. That's why I told my mom...she however, to my knowledge didn't do anything. Maybe she did and that's why he waited until I was much older.

    I do agree about him never babysitting...there's never been any questioning of that!

    I never thought about explaining it like that when she gets older...thanks. It's just sad that I even have to think about this...ugh.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:21 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • When i was probably around 6 or 7, one of my older cousins used to make me kiss him, like actually make out with him. He would also touch and kiss my body. I think I blocked it out for a few years because it was only several years ago that I started to remember everything. You would never be able to tell now, we get along fine and I don't fear he would do anything to anyone else. I don't know why. A neighbor also made me perform oral sex on him and he is the uncle of a couple of my nieces now. I'm not scared of him either even though I now what he did was wrong.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:31 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • Wow...all I gotta say is good luck with everything!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on May. 15, 2009

  • No, but I know others who have.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:38 PM on May. 18, 2009

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