Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Does anyone still have contact/relationship with someone that molested you?

My step-father touched me inappropriately a few times growing up, but besides those few times he was a great dad, so I still have a relationship with him. However ever since becoming a mother it just doesn't sit well with me. I can't imagine not having him in my life, and I don't EVER plan on her being alone with him, but I don't know if she will judge me when she's older...I just don't know what to do.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:34 PM on May. 14, 2009 in Health

Answers (12)
  • You're right, don't trust him. Ever. I can't stress this enough.

    Take the chance tell him in no uncertain terms that you will f*ck him up royally if he ever goes near your child.
    MizKizzy

    Answer by MizKizzy at 4:45 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • must be hard for you because you still think about what he did. I was abused by my cousins as a child and I absolutely do not have or want any contact with them or their family. They were family from my dad's side and when I tried to tell my grandmother who raised me I got punished so when my mom finally got me from my grandmother at the age of 11 i completely distant myself from my dads family because they didn't believe me and the abuse went on for 4 years.
    LuvmyFam6

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 4:46 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • Why are you excusing his behavior saying that "otherwise he was a good dad" A good dad would never have done that, period. He is a predator and you haven't master the courage to confront him and deal with the pain his actions caused you. Now that you are a mom, it brings back even more aggravation because you think how could he have taking advantage of a child? Consciously you are trying to i nternalize what he did, unconsciously you are trying to minimize it and to internalize it.

    NEVER EVER LET HIM ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CHILD EVEN TO KEEP PEACE WHIT THE FAMILY, HE STILL HAS SOME CONTROL OVER YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL IN CONTACT WITH HIM SO THAT MAKES YOUR CHILD THE PERFECT TARGET. YOU HAVEN'T STAND UP FOR WHAT HE DID TO YOU, IN HIS TWISTED MIND IT IS A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU WON'T STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD EITHER. My advice, keep distance and read the book TOXIC PARENTS by PhD, Susan Reed.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 5:07 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • OP here: I thought about talking to him...maybe I will do that.

    Thanks LuvmyFam6...it's really hard! I thought I had forgivin him for years, but then I started getting angry about the situation and I realized that I hadn't forgivin him I just chose to forget it almost like it didn't happen. Having a daughter makes me face it and I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine writing him out of my life...we have a lot of family gatherings and I can't imagine not seeing the rest of my family, so maybe I will just sit down and talk to him. Tell him if he ever even attempts to get too close to my daughter that he's dead lol!

    I'm sorry you went through that :( It seems like so many people go through this and it just breaks my heart.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:08 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • To Bebita: Your first paragraph made me very uncomfortable....because you're right. I just don't know what to do about it.

    If she is NEVER left alone with him...how can she be the "perfect target" though?

    I'll definitely look into the book...thanks!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:13 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • I agree with Bebita !!! I hope your family is aware that he did this to you as a child.

    Honestly it sickens me that he is still at family gatherings like no big deal. You shouldn't have to worry about keeping an eye on your daughter because she might get molested at a party...he is the one who should NOT be there. If he has done it to you, how do you know he has not touched anyone else ?

    Also I agree how can he be a "great father otherwise" when he molested you !!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:42 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • OP: There are some people that are aware of this, but not many. One of my sisters know along with my mother. I haven't told other family or friends. To be honest I always felt like I needed to "protect" his image. I've never really wanted people to know. He's a weak man (mentally not physically) so I always felt sorry for him. Now that I am a mother I'm really starting to get pissed about the whole thing!

    I don't know if he's done this to anyone else...it makes me sick to think that he might have.

    I'm a positive person, always have been. So I think I've always excused the behavior because I always felt like it could have been worst. I mean there are women who have been raped by their fathers or anyone else for that matter. I always felt grateful that it wasn't anything more than touching. But now that I'm a mother I'm just having a hard time with it and don't know where to go from here.

    Thanks for the advice everyone!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:57 PM on May. 14, 2009

  • Get that book asap, the first part will show you in black and white what happend and the second part gives you tools to deal with it. Even if you think that your dd is not in danger, she is and make no mistake about it. You haven't deal with the whole enchilada so here it goes: Your mom knew about it and she didn't protect you, she is still with that guy and he goes to family gatherings having free access to other children.

    He did this to you and yet you feel guilty or some how responsible? You were the child the people in your life failed you because they supposed to protect you, not to shove under the rug what he did to you to keep "family peace"

    I am telling you this much, your dd is in danger, it is up to you to protect her because not even your mother can be trusted since she knew about the molestation and did nothing about it, so the whole family dynamic is unhealthy and I am sorry if I made you keep reading
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 9:41 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • made you uncomfortable, it is a sign that you are finally dealing with he issue in a conscious level, you should not be thankful that he didn't abuse you more. Trust me he did good enough damage to you to make you think it wasn't a big deal. Please get the book and let us know if it is helping you as much as it has helped others that I know.

    Whatever you do just remember this: Your dd is counting on you to protect her. Don't fail her, deal with what must be dealt with no matter how painful it becomes and put it in the past in a place in your heart where it doesn't hurt you no more so you can move forward.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 9:43 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • My brother. He was around 12 and I was around 6. No One believes me at all. I knew he regretted it because he attempted suicide over it several times and has been in and out of mental facility over it. Yet no one believes me. They think he is a God or something in my family. Well over the summer he ruined any relationship we were able to build after that. I no longer speak to him and now everyone sees me as a liar. I know he will have to answer for it at the Pearly Gates. I know I am not lying. God knows I am not lying. I keep my children from him since I refuse to talk to him. At least when we spoke I knew where my kids were at all times. They no longer go near him. I cannot tell you the amount of relief I now feel having him out of my life. I had no clue it bothered me that badly.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:46 AM on May. 15, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.