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Should I discuss my reasons for my rules with my 13YO?

This is so difficult for me, I feel like I should discuss my reasons with her, to help her understand them better, but at the same time I feel like she is trying to act like the other parent and wants to discuss the reasons for the rules, and her own discipline plans and stuff, and I don't think that's right either. And other parents also tell me just to tell her "Because I said so" Should I explain my reasons to her or not?

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felicia0923

Asked by felicia0923 at 11:58 PM on May. 14, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • The bottem line is you are the parent. However, most 13 yr olds don't or won't accept the "because I said so' explanation. As long as she is calm and not screamin you can certainly take the time to explain the WHY. If she begins to argue you tell her the rules are the rules, I have explained our thoughts on how or why we came to them. accept them or suffer the consequences. I am big on making sure kids understanding ...if you do this this will happen...before hand. 13 is such a tough age, be firm, be fair, be consistant.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 12:03 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • children need boundaries, and when you explain the logic behind your rules, she'll be more likely to understand and obey, as opposed to just saying "because i said so" which makes it like you're a dictator and she'll be more likely to rebel. treat her like an adult and discuss the rules with her. make it a conversation, not a monologue
    llansky

    Answer by llansky at 12:03 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • I would explain your reasons, try to remember that you were a teen too
    Breezy1988

    Answer by Breezy1988 at 12:03 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • oh and definitely discuss them at a time where you're both calm, not in the middle of a disagreement
    llansky

    Answer by llansky at 12:05 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • She's 13 and at that age is most likely intelligent enough to have a conversation with you about the rules. Let her know that you would appreciate her input but that you have the final say. You can negotiate on some things... like if she makes sure her room is clean she can have a friend spend the night... etc. Pick up the book, The New Strong Willed Child by James Dobson.. It is worth the read.
    momofkearra

    Answer by momofkearra at 12:05 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • My kids are younger and so I'm taling blindly.. but 2 points I'd think 1) if it is something she already should know the answer to then no I would not shes not asking for an explaination she's looking for an argument 2) I would explain reasonings for why curfew is set to whatever tiem you set it or why you wont let her go with xyz to the mall ... but once she knows the reasoning and still asks its looking for an argument...
    as for the "because I said so"" answer ?? only if youre willing to get it back the same way one day in the future
    MELRN

    Answer by MELRN at 12:11 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • Well, I have a 12, 13, and 14 year old and the way I see it is I don't have to give them explanation on my rules by this age they shoud know how things in your house work. I think you should explain consiquences just like you would if she were five but not explain your rules. And trust me the "Because I said so works". I personally don't agree with momofkearra about negotiating because kids need to be taught "RESPECT MY RULES" because then they will only lear to manipulate the parent. I do think that with teen age girls though you have to sit down and explain "look you did this and now I am going to do this". Girls get so confused with their bodies changing and attitudes switching on and of and they start to feel like everyone is attacking them but if you sit and talk to her about the situation she will comprehend that you are no out to get her.
    214mommydearest

    Answer by 214mommydearest at 12:18 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • I have 4 sons who are now 22, 21, 18 and 17. I have never had to explain our rules to them. Honestly, our rules are our rules and they have no choice BUT to follow them. Period. Some explaining them really doesn't make much sense. It would be as if we were justifying our rules to them and we don't have to justify anything to our children.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • You daughter may feel she can bargain her way out of discipline and responsibility. Not going to work. Remind her she is a CHILD and not an ADULT. The only voice she has when it comes to rules is to follow them. She is not allowed any imput in making those rules. If you allow her to "reason" with you then she is trying to circumvent the system (i.e.You) and get you to lessen the severity of the rules to where it suits her.

    When she has graduated high school, college, gotten a career and moved out then she can make her own rules. Until then? You are Queen Bee and what you say goes. It doesn't get any more plain than that.
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 7:50 AM on May. 15, 2009

  • If you have reasons for your rules, what is the problem with articulating these reasons to your daughter? What are you afraid of? Doesn't it make sense that you would want her to understand your reasoning? I never expected my girls to agree with all my rules but I never had a problem letting them know my rationale behind them.
    barbar73069

    Answer by barbar73069 at 9:46 AM on May. 15, 2009

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