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SD's visits cause stress.

When my SD, almost 11, is here 4 days a week, the house is in turmoil, she is argumentative, doesn't listen well, can't take no for an answer, and is extremely stubborn. My husband and I feel badly that her time here causes so much stress in our house. On several occassions he has had to leave the house, (find a chore, or take a walk) to get away from her for awhile. This causes him to feel so badly, because he loves his daughter but we do not like her behavior. When we send her to her room for not listening, she cries, and screams at the top of her lungs, to get more attention. When we demand that she cry quietly, her reply: "I can't". Other than her behavior she is a good kid. She is smart, empathetic, sensitive, and kind, but to us she doesn't listen and doesn't seem to learn. When she is uncomfortable she wants to be coddled so much that it is irritating. Any ideas?

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on May. 15, 2009 in About CafeMom

Answers (6)
  • It really depends. At her house where she is regularly she has her things there to keeo her busy. Does she have things that are just hers at your home? Are you guys going out and doing stuff with her even if its just taking a walk as a family? Is she bored? Miss her mom? Maybe she just wants time with her dad. YOu should all sit down at the begining of one of her visits and say we are so happy to have you here. However we are going to set some rules( you make the rules up along with your husband) Then tell her the consequences. When she is sent to her room tell her to be repectful and not yell or her time in there will double. Stick to it no talking to her or negotiating also I think your dh should be the one doing the discipline or you will be seen as the enemy.

    Answer by okmommy08 at 1:52 PM on May. 15, 2009

  • Is this new behavior. I mean, has something changed in her life to trigger it? Like is the custody arrangement new, or have you just come into the picture. Is this something that is getting away with at her mom's because her mom feels guilty about the custody arrangement. Has anyone sat down and talked to her about the divorce and the current living situation? There are a million reasons I could come up with for her behavior. It would really help to have more background.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 1:53 PM on May. 15, 2009

  • You know, we'd never move a dog around this much and expect "normal" quiet behaviour. Why do we do this to kids? Because both birth parents need to fight over who gets her more? Why can't she just do the weekend thing? Think about the turmoil in the child's life.

    Answer by EireLass at 2:05 PM on May. 15, 2009

  • I know everyone is doing the "shared parenting" thing now, but I really feel they will see as these kids grow up that this wasn't the best solution for the children. They don't have a home, it's either mom's house or dad's house....not MY house. With you having her 4 days a week, you have the majority of the time with her. I'd say she's having some issues with the going back and forth. I know you can't change this, but maybe just trying to talk to her about it, let her know you are ok with it and her dad and mom are too. Try to make it sound like a good thing. Listen to any of her concerns. As for her behavior you just have to stick to your guns, be consistant. Whatever the rules are now and the punishments just stick with it, no matter how far she pushes, she needs to feel that an adult is in control to feel safe and secure......GL

    Answer by robinann5 at 2:14 PM on May. 15, 2009

  • Sounds like a normal pre-teen girl.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on May. 15, 2009

  • to anon wow my 13 year old dd never acted like that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:30 PM on May. 15, 2009

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