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How do you deal with being cheated on?

My husband, now ex, were going through a rough patch but I was under the impression we were resolving our issues. We have a 16 month old son together and he was leading me on to the idea that everything was fine with us. We were separated at the time but more because of his military career and financial reasons than personal ones, and the last time he came to visit he was intimate with me but it felt off. I found the other womans number on our phone bill, he was drinking heavily for a few weeks and his stories were not cohesive and he tried to hide it by changing the password on our cell phone account which was a big red flag to me. Long story short this affair was going on for a month and a half, I have spoken with her several times and there are no hard feelings with her because he lied to her and said he was divorced and she is disgusted as well. I am an emotional wreck and need to be strong for my son- help! thanks

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:25 AM on May. 16, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • I'm not sure what there is to deal with if he's now your ex. I'm sure it hurts and you feel betrayed but it's over. You have to move on. He was a jerk and when you were separated he (like most men) think of themselves as single men and go out and date again. I'm sorry he hurt you but find a real man, not another jerk and you will get over him.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:27 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • i wish it was that easy, i wish i never had to see him again, but he is still my sons father and will be in and out of our lives for who knows how long. i have trouble falling asleep, my mind goes wild imagining them together and i try so hard to think og something else but i guess i am trying to figure out somehoe how am i so inadequate, and then i get a load of mom guilt type feelings about my 'post baby' body. my self esteem is so shattered... i couldnt eat for a while, im just a mess. please anyone with ideas please respons, especially if you have been through this with a marriage that you believed in. my spiritual heart is in pain also as i do not believe in divorce but adultry is something i wasnt prepared to handle, even condiser happening to us
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:36 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • All you can really do is just realize that you deserve better than that. I've been cheated on, I know how hard it is but it gets better with time. It's hard to think positive but you HAVE to understand that he is NOT the only man out there and that a man who will love you and care about you IS out there. I'm like you and don't believe in divorce but when adultry is committed, thats a whole different story. If you are man enough to cheat on me, you are man enough to go through a divorce and then you can move on with her and see if she can be half the woman I was for you.
    I think you should get into some therapy, it really does help if you are committed to it. As hard as it is, keep your head up. Get up everyday, take a shower, do your hair, put some makeup on and spend time outside. Go out with people who care about you. Things like that can make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself. Good luck!
    Marix3

    Answer by Marix3 at 12:45 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • I can see from your words that you still love him.

    Yes, he went on a drinking binge and slept with another woman when you were both "working things out", but maybe he thought things weren't working out and it was just more of the rough patch going on. I'm guessing things felt "off" when you had sex together because he was feeling guilty about this other woman. He has a HISTORY and a BABY with you. That holds strong power...how you use it is up to you.

    Sometimes it's not too late to tell someone you've made a terrible mistake and you love them and want to work things out. Maybe he needs to know you and his baby still want him!

    There is happiness after cheating. It's up to both of you to make it, though.

    Rent the movie, The Women (original version from 1939). Pay particular attention to Mrs. Hanes' mother's advice early in the movie.
    timelessglass

    Answer by timelessglass at 12:56 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • You know you can turn him in to his commanding officer that he cheated on you. In the military they look down upon adultery and they take it very seriously.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:19 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • Thanks for the answers. I am in therapy but just starting out and need more support than just an hour or two a week with the counselor. We really never made friends when we moved and now I am considering moving back just to be with my friends through this. I do still love him, someone wise told me it takes time to fall in love and you dont fall out of love in one day, it takes time also. I am very aware of the power of having a history and a child together, but to me that means the strength to turn away from something as horrible as an affair. If it didnt mean enough to him to prevent him from doing it in the first place he doesnt get another chance with me. We have been through hard times already because of his drinking and other issues, I have already given him about 30 2nd chances. I hhave to draw the line somewhere and adultery is definatley it. I dont care what his excuse was he was telling us different. so many lies
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:25 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • His command does know, thanks I called legal right away
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:26 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • The first thing you do is realize it wasn't your fault... it wasn't because you weren't pretty, sexy, nice or anything..
    It was because he made a really bad choice and now he's going to have to suffer the consequences for it. True you were apart and a lot of people think they need to jump right back out in the dating thing when in truth they should be thinking, deciding if they want to save their family etc, not compounding it with more problems because there is the possibility there will be a reconcilliation and now you don't want him (most wouldn't).
    That's my advice how to get past this... to realize first it's not you, you're not problem, he is. And only time is going to help heal your heart, not another man, not shopping spree... nothing but time.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 8:34 AM on May. 16, 2009

  • I know how you feel. My ex left me for the other woman and is still with her after two years. At least the woman your ex cheated on you with thinks it is disgusting. My exes girlfriend doens't at all. They were together six months before i knew. So he was with her , then coming home to me. It does get easier with time. It has been two years for me, and every now and then i get sad, but those are as frequent as they were. Good luck and if you need to talk, send me me a message!
    kimmy1963

    Answer by kimmy1963 at 10:09 AM on May. 16, 2009

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