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How am I supposed to give her "the talk?"

My 16 year old sister (who I practically raised until 4 years ago because of my mother's health problems) called me the other day to ask me questions about sex. She knows the basics but was asking questions about "does it hurt the first time?" "do you bleed a lot?" "what does sex feel like?" And stuff like that. I'm not really sure how to answer these questions. My policy has always been complete and total honesty with her, but I don't want her to think that it's ok to start having sex right now. I waited until I was 17 and in a 3 year relationship and now I wish I would have waited for marriage...She is just turned 16 and no boyfriend at all...I think she just wants to have sex because all her friends are starting to experiment sexually and her best friend has been dating the same guy since middle school...So what am I supposed to say to her? Do I tell her the truth or do I just give her the "you should wait" talk?

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Asked by Nik8608 at 10:57 PM on May. 17, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (13)
  • tell her what you just wrote. I am the same with my 14 yr old son, totally honest about the physical aspects, but I also tell him why waiting is better. and ask questions! ask her"are you thinking about becoming sexual?" and go from there. If she wants to be intimate, she will wether or not you tell her stuff. Its not like you saying"yes it does hurt sometimes the first time" is going to make her run out to have sex lol. Educate her, not just about sex, but about how precious her body is and hopefully she will make the right choices. and trust is a great thing for her to give you, make sure to not make her feel anything but accepted. :o)

    Answer by Bearsjen at 11:01 PM on May. 17, 2009

  • Tell her the truth that sex hurts when there is no friendship that's gone into love first. Tell her sex is very very emotional way and long lasting emotional way longerlasting than the time it takes to have an orgasm of fun. If she doesn't have the banked money plus job to have sex she shouldn't be having it. I told my kids (now teens through mid twenties) that the only way to know for sure that a baby wasn't going to be born from one sex act or many is to find out in 9 months. Tell her if she has to have sex she needs protection of multiple kinds and how does she know for sure how many partners her partner's had? Don't be afraid. This is really important. She's trusting you for guidance. Her questions are legitimate and important, for her age which is quite grown yet not grown up.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 PM on May. 17, 2009

  • I agree...tell her what you just honest and tell her about how you wish you had waited and you dont want her to think its ok...but dont tell her sex is horrible because we all know thats a lie...but dont glorify it either! JUST BE HONEST and make sure to tell her YOU wish YOU had waited (make it personal)

    Answer by hug4akiss at 11:13 PM on May. 17, 2009

  • make sure you explain all the risks to her...teen pregnancy is very common and she may feel like it wont happen to her but it can! Explain to her about STD's they teach all this stuff in sex ed but I dont think they go into enough detail about it all..

    Answer by hug4akiss at 11:15 PM on May. 17, 2009

  • You need to just sit down with her and just honestly tell her how you feel. She is at a confusing age. No longer a girl and not quite a woman. Don't pressure her too much, but allow her to trust you and let her lead the conversation. You can always ask open ended questions (not questions that can be answered with yes or no, but she will have to elaborate). Although I know waiting until marriage is best, be there for her if she decides to experiment. Make sure she understands all the risks involved and maybe have her babysit a few times :) good luck!

    Answer by ratchetlee at 11:16 PM on May. 17, 2009

  • my ma said that men marry virgins and the screw sluts-does she want to be screwed out of marrage-
    Tell her also that just because she may or may not have sex doesnt make her a slut-but waiting makes her special, diff from others that couldnt wait-
    I think is safe to say if u asked everyone here on cafemom-more than half of us would say "I wish I had waited"
    answer all her questions honestly teach her to protect her self-tell her how much babies cost-and that once she starts having sex everyone around her will eventually find out-boys dont keep secrets-they will tell there friends EVERYTHING good and bad-
    But waiting until you find that special person, means that person will respect her because what they have shared and the love they have is special-
    There is a MILLION reasons to WANT to have sex-maybe only one good one to wait-and thats giving the one most special thing a girl has, away to the one they love-

    Answer by judith_visco at 12:18 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • what makes someone special is understanding that you can loose your virginity in 10 seconds, But she would be special because she waited-

    Answer by judith_visco at 12:21 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • honestly, be honest about how it feels, but tell her that it's not just about the physical feeling. this is a woman's most private parts touching a man's most private parts and it is VERY SPECIAL. encourage her to wait (not till marriage in my opinion--sexual compatibility is huge to me) but be honest about how wonderful and special it is.

    Answer by jambalover at 12:39 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • I would just answer those questions. They weren't THAT bad.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:26 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Be honest. There is a wonderful book called Our Bodies, Ourselves; I received a copy fo rmy 13th birthday and gave copies to my daughter and her friends for theirs.
    Remember, teens who are educated on STD and safe sex have safer and later sex than those taught abstinence only.

    Answer by rkoloms at 11:25 AM on May. 18, 2009

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