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Why dosen't he understand that it's because of him?

I have 3 kids, my oldest will be 5 this summer. My kids are great. I'm not delusional, they have naughty days. I have bad days too. DH want's to have another. I'm done. He thinks that because our kids are so great we should keep having more and more. He's not helpful much anymore and actually makes things more difficult when he's around. I've told him that I don't want to have anymore kids because he's not as involved as he used to be. With our first he was great and very involved. Our second was born and he became less helpful. We now have a 3rd and he has no idea! I've told him this too! He thinks I don't want anymore because days with the kids can be difficult. He put's the no more baby blame on the kids. Really it's him. I would love to have atleast one more if he were more helpful and could lessen the load on me, especially on difficult days.

 
AmandaH321

Asked by AmandaH321 at 1:44 AM on May. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Level 20 (8,472 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Then tell him "I do want another - I just want a helpful husband to go along with it."

    This isn't really an issue about having more kids. This is an existing issue in how he parents/husbands. Regardless of whether or not you have more children, this problem will persist.

    Have you tried leaving the kids with him?
    Have you talked about what his plans are as a single father and how he'd accomplish everything if you died tomorrow?
    Have you pointed out IN THE MOMENT where he can be of more help? It's easy to talk about it later, but he needs some work putting it into practice NOW. Men are visual- this is how you draw him a picture.
    Liyoness

    Answer by Liyoness at 3:15 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Tell hinm EXACTLY what you've wrriten here. Word for word. Let him read it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:49 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Try telling him that having too many in a short time frame can be very hard on your body. He probably won't know if you're telling him the truth or not, but maybe he won't be so persistent, or so eager to lay any blame on you. Telling him that's it's his fault could put a big strain on your relationship, and cause him to withdraw further from the kids.
    3_is_enough

    Answer by 3_is_enough at 1:49 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • I've had depression since I was pregnant with my 3rd. He says he know's it's hard on me but in the same breath can say that he know's I can handle it. I've told him word for word. I've given him much more detail in my reasoning with him than cafemom would let me write. lol I've told him nice and gently and I've told him that I"m angry with him that I can't have more because he won't help me. I've told him very specifically, short of drawing a pic, what he can do to help out and he still dosen't get it! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    The kids will do or say one of those things that make you melt and he'll say, "They're so awesome, how can you not want another?"
    AmandaH321

    Answer by AmandaH321 at 2:04 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Ask him for one moment to consider your best interests, rather than his. Don't say exactly like that or he might get defensive. Maybe, ask him to be a Mr. Mom for one whole day without you there to help. Tell him that after that experience, once he fully understands your logic, that you'd more willing to discuss the issue and consider his side, since he's considered yours. (This one-day experience, however, can never compare to what a woman goes through day-to-day from pregnancy to caring for her children full-time while daddy doesn't act like a daddy.)
    alynncole

    Answer by alynncole at 2:43 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Why don't you set a date........and say, "when the youngest is 3 we can reevaluate where we are" so you aren't totally closing the door, but you aren' leaving it open either.  I wanted a 4th, but those crazy days, like to described, do scare me and I don't know if I can do it.  I know how you feel and my kids arealmost 8, 5, and almost 3.  Stand your ground because you need to be happy and healthy to care for the ones you've got. 

    Teachermom01

    Answer by Teachermom01 at 7:00 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • I agree with the first reply... tell him straight up the truth in why you're not as willing to do it again.
    But be prepared for him to promise if you have another he'll help more and then he may or may not follow thru. I'd have to see it to believe it and say something like "if you really mean it, then if you can be more involved with these for the next year, then we'll start trying again, but I've got a full load right now as it is just keeping the laundry and cooking done so I don't want to add to my list of things I need to do".
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 8:33 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • tell him you'll have more when he gets you a nanny to help
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:25 AM on May. 18, 2009

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