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Should I talk to her about it?

A few years back myMIL found out that my FIL had a son from another women. This guy is about 4 months younger than my husbands youngest brother. Needless to say my MIL was and is very upset and hurt. She stayed with my FIL but made it very clear to all of us, that if we had anything to do with this half-brother, she wantd othing to do w/us. I didn't agree /her then, but I didn't want to stir the pot, so we left it alone. Well now, my FIL's health is not doing too good, and at the same time the half-brother is saying hat he wats to get to know his dad. I feel really bad for him. It is not fair of my MIL to make him pay for his parent's mistake's. The thing is that i don't kno if maybe me and/or my husband should talk to her about what she is doing.

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bellasrose71008

Asked by bellasrose71008 at 1:51 AM on May. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Wow, that's tough. As far as you and/or your husband talking to her about it: who has the best relationship with her? Are you like a daughter to her? Do you barely tolerate each other? These are important things to consider. If you find yourself having the relationship that can handle this kind of a talk, then I suggest putting yourself in her shoes before talking with her. Try hard to understand what she's feeling and how you would feel if this were to happen to you. Then you may find yourself better able to approach her with empathy, rather than disbelief.
    alynncole

    Answer by alynncole at 2:03 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Thank you. & yeah, that is the thing. I know that it is so easy to tell someone to get over things when they aren't happening to you. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and to be honest, I think that she would be really angry with my husband if he told her anything. I am just afraid that my FIL is going to pass away before his son gets a chance to talk to him and get to know him, and my MIL is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. I am also afraid that if she gets really hurt, she might not want to take care of my FIL who really needs her right now.
    bellasrose71008

    Answer by bellasrose71008 at 2:08 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • So does that mean that FIL cheated on MIL and a child was a result from that?
    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 2:20 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • Well, it sounds like maybe someone should talk to her, though maybe not you. I think it's your FIL who would have to do the convincing. Although my hubby doesn't have a long-lost son out in the world, he did have several "encounters" before ever meeting me, while he will always be my one and only. I understand the hurt and anger that comes with knowing your true love didn't wait for you. I find myself angry at the faceless females whom I will never meet, rather than at my hubby. It's probably a good thing in my case, since it has diverted many confrontations. Your MIL, too, is taking it out on the faceless female, as well as the offspring of the encounter, only it is hurting someone else in the process. Maybe if it were approached like this: though she has every right to be hurt and angry, she is all the more saintly to allow this son to meet his father. A bit underhanded, I know, but it might suffice.
    alynncole

    Answer by alynncole at 2:22 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • I don't like the idea of deceit, but it's not fair for the son to never speak to his father because of his parents mistake, so I'd talk to the FIL and see what he thinks about all of this. It may be his wish to honor his wife's request and take it as his punishment for cheating. That would be horrible, to die wishing and wondering and hoping that someday she's be able to forgive the mistake. Some people think that is just their cross to bear. Doesn't make sense to me tho that someone is willing to forgive the "sin" but only if it's never talked about again or in this case as long as he's never seen (even by his siblings which is wrong of her to ask them to turn their backs on him too and I would refuse, but just not mention to her that I was seeing him).
    If your FIL wants to see the son to make amends, then he should be given that right, but without the wife present or her knowing about it if it will bring him peace.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 8:28 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • That might bite you in the behind. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You probably should stay out of it but if her kids got together and told her they were ok with it then perhaps she'd mellow out a bit. No guarantee. My x had a child with another woman and I still can't talk about it to this day and it's been 30 yrs. I've stepped back to let my kids deal with it now but they have no desire to get to know their sister and she knows her dad (never proven by dna) is an abusive jerk so she's not wanting in his life. Good luck on this one
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:29 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • This is something that you and your husband should decide together. If you decide that someone should talk to her, then the person who does that should be your husband and not you. You can support and encourage but you must not be the one to try to intervene. You will be asking for trouble for the rest of your life. If there is to be a stink made, let your husband be the one to make it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:58 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • I think its no ones business to interfere BUT the man that cheated on his wife...he hurt her...he hurt her by cheating on her and having another child...you will never know how much that hurts someone until you walk in thier shoes....therefore the man that caused all this hurt is the man that needs to fix this hurt...no matter what you or your husband may think about your mil making the half brother pay...she's not the one in the wrong here...your husbands half brother's mother and his father, knew the consequences when they laid together and produced a child...how can anyone blame a woman, that had nothing to do with her husband cheating on her? How can anyone expect her to accept a child that was produced during an affair? Take a moment and walk in her shoes for just a minute...I would suggest that you and your husband stay out of it, and for once allow your father in law to clean up his mess that he caused!
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:02 PM on May. 18, 2009

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