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My dd has done something that has broken myheart.

I found a note on the floorboard of the car. It was written by my dd to a frnd. The note stated that it had only happend once with a certain boy, of course it didn't state what happened. So, Iasked her about it. She confessed that she had oral sex with this boy. I was devostated! My heart is broken. She's always been a confident teen. She is a leader at school and church. I just didn't think she would not have enough respect for herself to do that. She said she felt degraded and sick afterward and that she will never do it again. She said she did it because she thought he would want her instead of another girl he was interested in. I feel like I failed bigtime! I'm numb and heartbroken! I cried,told her how i felt about it. I told her that I don't look at her differently, but I do and I'm affraid she will see it. I feel like there is nothing I can do but love her through it.


Asked by Anonymous at 11:55 AM on May. 18, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • oh I'm sorry. When I found out for the first time that my son was sexually active I felt sick to my stomach. My son was a good kid too. It's so scary I know. Could you daughter be in a way rebelling but not in an angry way from always being the good girl? I'd write a note to her so she can keep it with her always telling her what you said here and already to her, having it in writing could be important to her emotionally. Reinforce you're proud of her for telling you what happened and that she's still a good human and worthy young lady. Say friendship that grows in to love is what keeps love. Sex that is loved and done to be loved doesn't turn into a friendship or keep one as a forever partner. Could she also be having intercourse but not telling you that part? I'd show her all the birth controls and say self esteem is so important for her life not just now. Sigh. It's so hard. Thinking of you mama.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:11 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • Thats all you can do. She already feels bad enough. Be thankful she has a conscience and learned from it. Support her and explain to her that if he wants her to do things like that then maybe he isn't the guy she needs period.

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 11:59 AM on May. 18, 2009

  • better talk to her about SAFE sex!! and you can catch things orally too!!!

    Answer by chefjen at 12:01 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • There isn't anything you can do. but you shouldn't look at your daughter any differently...she is still your daughter. Yes, she may have made a mistake and she has admitted it. She is dealing with feeling humiliated, degraded, and ashamed. Unfortunately this is something that some teenagers do. I would have a very detailed sex talk with her. I am sure you already had "the talk" with her. But there are other things that she needs to know. Like, she could have gotten an STD just by giving oral sex. things like that. she needs to understand the aspect of every thing sex related. Talk to her as a friend not her mom. and tell her that if she thinks a boy or a man would like her better if she did certain things for her then he is not worth wasting a breath over. good luck

    Answer by 2wndrfl_btrflys at 12:04 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • I'm sorry this happened and she feels so badly about it...but you shouldn't feel like you've failed, Kids make mistakes. They think they're ready for things too soon sometimes. Just hope she takes this as a learning experience and be happy that she felt she could confide in you.

    Answer by metalhealthmama at 12:07 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • Just because your child is sexually active--doesn't mean they aren't still good does not make a person bad..

    also, if you smother her with a whole lot of talk about sex...she will stop coming to me I was 15 once. (10 years ago to be exact) I started having sex with my boyfriend at 15 years old. I do not regret it at all because I knew he was the only one for me. here it is 10 years later and I am married to him and have two children ages 3 years and 18 months.

    yes talk to her about birth control pills and condoms. but don't think that your daughter is not a good child just because she gave a boy a blow i said before..she is still your daughter.
    how old is she anyway.

    Answer by 2wndrfl_btrflys at 12:19 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • Love your daughter. Unfortunately no matter how well we raise them, they are going to make mistakes. They are going to use poor judgement. Sadly your daughter learned a very valuable lesson and that is that many teen boys and men in general will use females and their interest in them (the girls in the boy) against them to get what they want. I would say that you should have covered that with her already, because teen girls don't know this by instinct. They are naive and trusting until something happens to harden them and show them reality.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:57 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • so, your daughter gave a blow job-she could be on drugs, or having sex for beer, or smoking, or GOD only knows what-you raised a good girl if she can tell you what she did in honesty and feel guilty about it.

    You must not look at her diff-she is a young woman, and eventually going to be a sexual woman- and you will have to look past her sexuality and see your baby-
    everyone has sex, and basically no one waits until marrage anymore-nor should they, sexual compatiblity is important in a healthy relationship.
    shes your daughter, you did good mama if she trusts you and didnt lie to you, obviously she feels close enough to you to tell you her secrets... Keep it that way, dont push her, dont punish her, dont scare her about sex...she trusts you and will come to you know, you already no one thing, she wont be afrade to talk to you about another!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • Ugh, most teens don't even think oral sex IS sex. This has been on TV lots of times where teens were interviewed and they said in their school it's a "cool" thing to do. I have a teen step daughter and teen neice. Both say they aren't sexually active but both have said "oral sex isn't real sex" ..which to them it makes it different ...or better. We just need to keep educating them as much as we can!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:15 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • You should not be taking it personally. It can be hard when our teens choose different beliefs than we hold, but your attitude is clearly making her feel badly about herself & her actions. Instead of telling her you are disappointed, try talking to her about making decisions that make her happy with herself. She knows your feelings on oral sex and it is always good to explain how you came to your beliefs, but now encourage her to develop her own opinion on the matter. Then encourage her to feel strong and empowered to make decisions based on HER beliefs. Also make sure she knows that sexually transmitted diseases can be spread through oral sex.


    Answer by nysa00 at 2:06 PM on May. 18, 2009