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How do you let your partner know he shouldn't parent your kids that are not his?

My oldest 2 are from a previous relationship and their father is a fantastic daddy who is very involved in their lives. They do not need another father. I'd like my current partner to be more like a favorite uncle - supportive, loving, ready to lend a hand, but leave the discipline to mom and dad.

Current partner does not like the way I parent & feels I'm too soft, so he steps in and sets all sorts of rules that I do not want to enforce and speaks to the kids using "we" implying I agree with it all. He works 3rd shift, so he does not see the family except weekends for the most part. Because of this I am left enforcing the rules he set and it causes a lot of disagreements when he learns I'm not following through. Example: my 15 year old is too young to get a job at most places, yet he feels she should pay for big money items - driver's ed, rugby fees. I say, she stays out of trouble, helps out and she's earned those things.

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Mom_2_4_monkeys

Asked by Mom_2_4_monkeys at 9:02 PM on May. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • 1 i agree with you at that age she shouldnt have to pay for sports n things
    2 tell him simply to butt out. YOU are the parent and YOU make the rules
    mommymeg03

    Answer by mommymeg03 at 9:05 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • I think you should not be with someone you don't trust or want to help parent your kids it will cause to many problems I have seen it with my in laws

    abellvalerie

    Answer by abellvalerie at 9:06 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • How old are your two younger children? If there isn't a big age gap, maybe he's just trying to keep things fair. If the older two are allowed freedoms that the younger two aren't, maybe he's trying to avoid any resentment on their part by enforcing strict rules for the whole brood.
    3_is_enough

    Answer by 3_is_enough at 9:07 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • It sounds like you and your partner need to sit down and discuss what you both want to happen. You are not on the same page and you're setting yourselves up for a big problem. Wether or not you think those kids need another father or not, he is your partner and he is an adult. He should have some say in how the children are raised as well as be able to enforce discipline if it is needed. You can not ask a person to ignore a bad behavior because he isn't the parent.
    For instance, If my child is at someone else's home and diliberately punches another kid in the face I'd expect that mother to discipline her with a time-out. What you need to do is set boundaries on what types of discipline are acceptable in your home and what behaviors solicit them. You shouldn't make your partner the bad guy, he's trying his best to uphold some structure and believes that if they don't have rules they won't accomplish anything in life.
    momofkearra

    Answer by momofkearra at 9:08 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • He is not the parent so he shouldn't try. This is a big issue and if he can't respect you enough to let you do what you are supposed to with your kids with your ex, thn he isn't the one for you.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:08 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • Sounds like this relationship is heading no where fast. You cannot have a relationship like the one you are looking for. That means your SO simply sits back and does nothing? It's not going to happen sweetie. Your relationship simply cannot last like the fairie tale you are creating in your mind. If he cannot be treated with respect and looked upon as an authorative figure, it's doomed Hon.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:09 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • You just have to tell him listen. I don't need your help when i comes to the kids unless I ask for your opinion. I have told mine. I told him listen these are my children and I will take care of it and if you don't like it. I am sorry. But that's the way it is. If you don't like it there's the door

    akmami0f4

    Answer by akmami0f4 at 9:09 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • This relationship won't last...dump him and find someone who will support your parenting decisions.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:12 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • You shouldn't spend your life with someone that you don't want as an equal. My Husband and I set the rules, he's not the bio-father but he's a parent to our boys. If I let our kids see him as anything less than equal they will use that against us. They know that we stand behind each other and that they can't get away with anything. I value his input and he does mine. I think it would be very hard on our marriage if we didn't share in every decision. We are stronger together than seperate, if I wanted to do things on my own I would have stayed single. Sorry JMO
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 9:14 PM on May. 18, 2009

  • If you don't want a true partner in your life right now (and that includes having a say about how ALL minors in the household behave, or learn responsibility, etc) then go solo. You can have a relationship when your kids are out of the home. Otherwise, let your partner be your partner. Your kids will walk all over him if he can't set boundaries, too, and won't respect him. Why would you subject your partner to that?
    halfpint_ny

    Answer by halfpint_ny at 9:55 PM on May. 18, 2009

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