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Why do I feel like I hate my 9 yr old? Up until she was about 6 or 7 we had a close relationship. We have drifted so far apart.. please HELP!

This is scary for me b/c I truly feel like I dislike her. In my heart I know I do love her, but she irritates me so much that its like all I can feel is the hate. This has been bothering me for so long & I need to tell someone! I had her when I was 16, I know I havent been the perfect mother to her, her father is not in the picture & my own mother died when I was 2, Ive had a hard time knowing how to raise her. I know I have been neglectful w/her & us drifing apart is my fault. But where is this feeling of hate coming from? Shes only 9 but she is already trying to act older than she is. I mean she has a bad attitude when she doesnt get her way, sometimes she talks back to me, lies on occasion & is starting to like boys! She irritates me. I also have an 11 month old baby girl. The way I feel about her is unreal. I feel like I love her beyond words, yet why dont I have this same feeling for my 9 yr old? I am so filled w/guilt!!!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:10 PM on May. 19, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (10)
  • There is always that "annoying" age. My younger sister is at that right now. She is in middle school and I am 21. I love my sister but I cannot even stand to be around her because literally EVEYRTHING she does annoys the crap out of me. It is just the age she is at. Just keep reminding yourself that this is just a stage and she is acting how most 9 year olds act at that age...and yes it is irritating and annoying. Just ask my mom! She had to deal with it 4 times! You can love your child and just not like the way he/she acts.
    Ash9724

    Answer by Ash9724 at 1:14 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • I would get counseling I can;t even use the word hate in the same sentence with my children. I have 7 and they get on my nerves but I would never say I hate them

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • she is not just saying she is annoyed she is saying HATE how she feels this way about her 9 year old yet loves her 11 month old to death maybe she is picking up on this and this is why she is acting out I have a 9 year old and would never say I hated or even have that feeling toward him

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • Your not alone. I used to feel the same way. My dd was such a handful that it was emotionally exhausting. I felt guilty for not likeing my daughter. When my son was born he was such a joy and there was such a strong bond there.

    It turns out that my daughter had behavioral issues. We took her to get counseling and things between us are so much better. We are a lot closer and hearing her voice doesn't make me cringe anymore. There are a lot of women out there who are like you but are to afraid to admit it. I'm fairly convinced that my daughter has ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) Look it up. My dd had all the symptoms. GL!
    sadira29

    Answer by sadira29 at 1:27 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • You need to sit and talk to you daughter, you two need to talk about what's going on and how you BOTH are going to work towards making thing better. Writing things down helps. If she is lying ask yourself why. Is she doing it for attention or is she doing it because she doesn't want to get into trouble. The key thing is to not let this cycle continue. She will turn to boys for attention and repeat the cycle of being a teenage mom and I know you don't want that. My daughter will be nine, very smart kid. But she's not into boys (just yet). I also have a son who just turned 3. My hands are full but for them I would refill my hands x3. They need me now. And my job and yours is to derict them in the way that they should go. Yeah I wantt o pull my hair out sometimes, that's life but I could never HATE someone that is apart of me. My heart is hurting because I can see cycles.
    Peacefully

    Answer by Peacefully at 1:41 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • I'll be honset, my mom had me eight days shy of her 16th b-day. And she and I will NEVER get along. I did do my fare share to her but she did it right back. Know that I'm 25 I realize she was kid too! I was more like her "sister". I never called her mom. Her older sister was "my mom". And you know I wished she would have asked for help like you are doing right now. She had two other kids, my brothers and they have a totally different realionship like you do with your baby. It's not your fault. Sometimes your dealt a hard hand, but you can get through this. Just love her for who she is, even it's sometimes she's not the person you want her to be. Good luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:33 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • It's OK, my daughter, she is 12 now, did the same thing to me, she irritates you because she can see how much it bothers you. She may be acting out because she wants more attention from you. It must be very hard on her not having a father figure in her life, you have to be both. Talk to her and see what is bothering her, sometimes taking just an hour out to play a game or do each others nails, something she really likes to do will help. While you are doing your activity together try talking to her. Most important, tell her you love her, deep down she loves you too. I think you will do fine in however you handle this situation. I know you love your daughter and you having these feelings is normal. Kids drive parents crazy that is their job. Sometimes I wish I had just one kid because one of them makes me want to pull my hair out literally. But I love them both the same and wouldn't trade them for the world.
    CasualCandles

    Answer by CasualCandles at 8:23 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • I think there could be several reasons. One is that she reminds you too much of yourself, that you see in her the traits that you don't like about yourself, and you are rejecting those in her. Another is that you have not properly disciplined her into the respect for your authority and you are now disgusted with her rebellion. Another is that she is at an age where you did not ever have the privilege of seeing the mother-daughter relationship properly modeled and you just don't have the experience from which to draw. Maybe you just need to sit her down and have a really honest talk with her. Don't tell her that you don't like her. That will only increase the tension. But tell her that you want to do things with her, and ask her what kind of things she would enjoy. You are going to have to stay actively involved in her life on a daily basis. Tell her you don't want her to repeat the mistakes that you have made.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:56 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • It is complicated....I know you love her because you are concerned about the feelings you are having, but there is too much confusion and negative feelings, honestly. Having her at 16 with no support from her father, and having lost your mother at 2....these are genuine complications. Now with your younger baby, you are aware of the difference.Your daughter makes you feel guilty and resentful....I think the fact that you use the word "hate" shows the strength of your feelings. Hate is the flip side of "love". It sounds like you are afraid of things with her....I think you should definitely get counseling because these feelings are not good for her and could lead to more problems as she gets older. As she goes through the normal growing up phases, things will only get more complicated. Get counseling for yourself and for the two of you together....You really shouldn't ignore your own concerns! They are telling you to get help.
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 8:55 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • THANK U TO EVERYONE WHO OFFERED YOUR GREAT ADVICE. I APPRECIATE IT TREMENDOUSLY. IM NEW TO THIS SITE & I AM GLAD I FOUND IT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN DEALING W/ SO MUCH GUILT & SHAME IN REGARDS TO THE INFO IN THIS POST BUT READING OVER THE HELPFUL & INSIGHTFUL RESPONSES HAS LIFTED A GREAT DEAL OF WEIGHT OFF OF MY SHOULDERS. I TRULY LOVE MY DAUGHTER. HOWEVER, IN HINDSIGHT I DEFINITLEY WOULD RE-DO MY ACTIONS WHEN I WAS 15 YRS OLD. I WOULD HAVE WAITED TO HAVE HER WHEN I WAS MATURE ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE & REALIZE WHAT A GIFT A CHILD IS. SHE DIDNT ASK TO BE BORN. SHES HERE B/C OF A BAD DECISION I MADE YRS AGO. BECAUSE OF THIS, I FEEL LIKE SHE & I HAVE BEEN GROWING UP TOGETHER. I DONT WANT TO BE ANOTHER STATISTIC OF THE TEEN MOTHER CYCLE. I WANT SOMETHING BETTER FOR HER. I CANT EXPRESS HOW MUCH BETTER I FEEL. IVE BEEN ACTIVELY TRYING TO REPAIR MY RELATIONSHIP W/ HER & USING THE MANY IDEAS U ALL HAVE OFFERED. THANKS AGAIN LADIES. GOD BLESS
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:01 AM on May. 26, 2009

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