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My 9 yr old daughter & I have grown apart lately. I feel like I don't know her anymore.. Any suggestions about rebuilding a close & trusting relationship?

I want her feel comfortable enough to come to me with any problem she has or to come to me to talk about anything. I recently found out she is starting to have crushes on boys at school. I had to hear about it from her teacher. Her teacher showed me "love notes" she had written to a boy. I talked to her about it & told her she is waaay too young to have boyfriends but how do talk to her in a way that she doesnt feel im a closed minded over-bearing mother who she is afraid to come and talk to about anything? Im feeling like Im slowly losing my daughter. We are not close anymore like we used to be.

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:04 PM on May. 19, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • Figure out what movies she likes and take her out. Same with dinner. Figure out what kind of music she listens to and listen to some of it. Try to find a song or two that you like so that you can relate. Pull out some old pictures from when you were her age and talk about what you were like and the kind of things you did (good and bad) and how you handled them (hopefully you had the help of your mother as an example). Go clothes shopping with her if you have the money. Find out what her favorite free activities are (book reading, whatever) and do those with her too whenever possible. Good luck.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 3:08 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • Play games with her (like board games) take her and her friends places and be open minded when she talks to you. When she talks to you make sureyou aren't always telling her not to do stuff. Hav eother things to tak about where you can just listen. You don't always have to be giving advice. Spend plenty of time with her chatting about no threating things. Get a hobby together and always take interest in her interests. My dad was never into working on cars, but he did it with my brothers because they wanted to rebuild trucks and he wanted to spend time with them.

    Answer by ria7 at 3:08 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • Honestly me and my 8 year old are like friends because we love to laugh at each other jokes and really spend lots of time together. She asks me everything and I'm very open about anything. She knows when to not cross me, because she does have a smart mouth at times, but I hope that bond isn't ever broken with her. My mom never talk to me about alot of things I wanted to know but I think it was because of the age difference. Hell my daughter gives me advice You should have asked her about her feelings and do she thinks she needs to wait a little longer. Of course she probably likes the boy but that's all. Just be open with her and let her know by your ACTIONS that she can come to you about anything.

    Answer by diamondmamma at 3:12 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • Start having weekly dates with her. It could be something as simple as window shopping or more fun like mini-golf. But no movies - the point is to talk to each other while you are doing whatever you decide to do.

    My mom started doing this with me around age 14 and it was so nice to have a "just us" time.

    Answer by kaycee14 at 8:22 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • there is nothing to be worried about, your daughter may be growing up and may be starting puberty. 9 is not young to start as my daughter started hers at 9years and period at 10years. she had crushes on boys and at one stage a fixation on one boy. it was all very inncocent. hormones are probably what is making your daughter seem distant. my daughter was exactly the same and we would argue etc. just re-assure your daughter and let her know that you are there for her. it may be a tough ride but she may be hitting puberty and that can explain her current behaviour. believe me, i felt lilke you. even now things are hard with my daughter starting her period.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:24 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • This is normal! My son has done the same thing! What I did (which was even more tricky cause he's a boy) is take him out and spend more time with him. My son calls it a "Mother/son" date. Sometimes its a movie, or even a hot dog joint! :0) But its just me and him. We sit and talk. Talk about school, life, religion, GIRLS, SEX, DRUGS. Sometimes I will lead the question. I will say something like "So have you seen Rachel?" (she is a girl he had a major crush on.

    Good luck momma, I hope this helps.

    Answer by mikeysmom989 at 7:52 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • You better start talking to her now and showing an interest in school work and friends and try to do things she likes with her, cause when they get to be 13 and after the teens are the worst!!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:02 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • Just go out of your way to show her extra LOVE at home... all tweens go through stages, writing love notes is not a crime, probably peer pressure thing, like she looks important to them. I went through a stage with both my girls, who are now 13 and 18... some days it feels like u dont even recognize them... then it all falls into place, just make sure you dont push her away when she does want to talk or be with you, I agree with other posts, make special times just to be with her, these are the hard yrs and you need to make memories to share later in life. Take walks together, share a bagel or smoothie day with her, make her feel she is the important one at home and that she has every opportunity to chat when she is ready. My daughter who is 18 went through this thing where she thought it wasnt cool to talk to mom and now I am her confidante, so just dont worry herself or you, it will come around again, it will come in time.

    Answer by denise0711 at 8:39 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • Whatever she enjoys doing, make it a point to plan some times when you can do that together. Talk to her about husband/wife relationships, the importance of finding just the right man, the character traits that she should look for. Talk to her about the dangers of bonding with people of the opposite sex and then the breaking of that bond over and over again. The best example I know is to paste two pieces of different colored paper together, let it dry, and then try to pull them apart. It can't be done without ripping the papers and leaving some of the other color behind. Pick someone's marriage whom you think is the ideal and tell her she wants to shoot for having a marriage like theirs. Talk, talk, talk, to her about all these kinds of things. That's how you create a climate where she can talk to you when she needs to. Right now, she needs you to teach her what to look for and how to go about it.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:48 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • You are getting great suggestions, and I just have one to add. Our niece came to live with us after her grandma died. She was a couple of years older. But when we had a lot of time, and not much money, we would drive to a Sonic, which was an hour away in another town. (We live in Texas, not much to see between towns, LOL!) And it gave us time to talk about small and big things. She didn't have to look me in the eye, we were able to broach deeper subjects, then lighten up. We got our drinks for a couple of bucks, and headed back. It gave us 2 hours alone, and she loved it. These days, with gas prices, even 30 mins away would give ya'll some quality time. But the bonding suggestions above are great for in between "crises". Good luck!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:15 AM on May. 20, 2009

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