Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

for you army wives.

how do you do it? im not a new military wife and my husband isnt deployed anymore. but i still hate it when he doesnt come home until 10 and he has to work over night or go out for training. i hate that my dd doesnt get to see her daddy at all. cause he leaves too early and gets home too late. i hate how its military first and family second. how do you do it? i really dont know if i can take it anymore. i know he is doing this for all the right reasons, and i know i shouldnt complain. and i know that i should just suck it up and deal with it, but i really dont know if i can. when my dd doesnt KNOW know her dad, cause he was deployed for her whole life (shes gonna be two soon and he was gone since two weeks after she was born) and it just seems like it got harder since his deployment. its military first and everything else falls behind. how do you do it?????

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 6:19 PM on May. 19, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • In our family the military doesn't ALWAYS come first. It does when it has to, and then our family is first the rest of the time. Amazingly, it's possible a lot more than you would think.

    My children stayed connected with their father during his deployments. We had a "daddy book" which was a story about how much a daddy loves his children, and we had a bookt hat was just pictures of Daddy. And they talked to him on the phone (or listened when they were babies) and we saw him on webcam as much as possible. He even joined us for dinner a few nights, I put the computer right where he sits, so he could see us from his place at the table.

    There was never any question who Daddy was, even when my husband came home to a 9 month old he'd only spend 2 weeks of R&R with as a newborn. Or when he came home to a 3 year old and 18 month old who were 2 years old and 4 months when he left. They always knew just who he was. (contd)

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 7:38 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • (contd)

    It was just a matter of me making an effort to make sure they knew who he was.

    As far as the rest of it, when he works late, the kids get to get up when Daddy comes home 3 nights a week. They get to stay up for an hour with us and then go to bed. The other two nights are for us as a couple. :)

    When he has Staff Duty or CQ or something along those lines, he comes home for meals or we take them to him. Which means we still get to see him, if only for an hour or two.

    And the field problems, honestly, I think they are a nice break from each other. As long as they're not too long. A week is just about right. I can get my house cleaned and have some "me" time and when he comes home, we are always very glad to see one another.

    Any longer than a week and we really start to miss each other. But it's good for us because we never take each other for granted that way.


    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 7:44 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • In fact, my kids are basically 2 and 4 (their birthdays are both within the next week), and they are ALL over him whenever he's home. I don't think they even remember that I'm there. They are totally enamored with their Daddy.

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 7:46 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • i did all that with my dd. she listened to him on the phone and saw him on webcam as much as possible. but he wouldnt always call and hated the webcam thing. i tried my best to make her know who her daddy is and she is ok with him, but she is still a little weirded out by him. and she wont let me leave her alone with him. shes weird with him. but i did do all of that. and when i suggest him coming home for a meal or us going there hes too busy or something and always has an excuse. i try so hard to really understand that he does have his thing to do when he is there but i feel like im the only one putting the effort in. and he really is more about the army than his family. i guess maybe its just him and not an army thing. and we should probably talk about it but he wont. and i guess since its more him probably not a question for army wives. i dont know it just sucks sometimes.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:21 PM on May. 19, 2009

  • Ask him to go to counseling with you, there is no shame in going to counseling, especially following a deployment. We had a lot of problems after the second deployment, adding a baby to the marriage without him around and then him coming home to a 9 month old, was really hard on us all. We got counseling and I don't regret it one bit.

    You can get 12 free sessions per issue through miltiary one source. If you need more, they will bill Tricare for you.

    If he won't go, go by yourself. It sounds like you need to get things straight in your mind. Counseling will help you with that.

    There is no reason at all that you can't meet up for a meal. Either with him coming home or you going to him. There are always two people on duty at once so the other person can be released for meals.

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 9:04 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • thanks, and im gonna look into counseling. i appreciate your advice very much so....

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on May. 21, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Relationships

Next question overall (Pregnancy)