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My husband and I do not want our daughter calling my mom's boyfriend, fiance, whatever he is... Grandpa. Do you think we are wrong to do this?

They've been togther for 9 years and my mom and he are very upset by this and think that she should call him Grandpa, but I just don't feel like he has earned that right. My husband is dead set against it and won't budge on it.

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maddiesmomma619

Asked by maddiesmomma619 at 3:13 AM on Jun. 21, 2008 in General Parenting

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Answers (9)
  • Personally, I think you should let you daughter decide. To be fair, as adults everyone else in the situation should help the children feel as comfortable with it as possible. My stepson's mother was trying to force him to call her boyfriend "Uncle". Well, as he started learning family ties, he got FREAKED out. He wanted to know if "Uncle" was my brother or daddy's brother. Or God forbid, Mom's brother because she can't date her brother! However, I also feel that your mother and her SO should respect your wishes with your own daughter. While their input may be appreciated, it all really boils down to you guys. Is there some particular reason as to why you are against the whole label?
    Mom1Stepmom1

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 3:40 AM on Jun. 21, 2008

  • the unfortuante part about this is that you can tell her not to call him grandpa, but if he holds a place in her heart for that name, then nothing you can do will stop her from thinking of him as her grandfather. If he is a decent man and doesn't harm her in anyway, I don't see what the big deal is, I have had issues with this with my son step mom and finally had to come to terms with the fact that I have no control over what he feels in his heart for her, and after getting to know her, she is a decent person that loves him very dearly.
    BreakingFree

    Answer by BreakingFree at 7:53 AM on Jun. 21, 2008

  • So I guess it just depends on why you are so set against her calling him grandpa... but I am sure it brings great joy to both of their hearts to be connected in some way that is meaningful to both of them. Young children need all the support they can get today, and if people are truly who they say they are, then they mean no harm to our children. I would think after nine years you would already know if he is a decent man or not... Your daughters saftey is the most important thing and not how someone feels, but maybe have more conversations about this and don't close the door on it just yet... good luck
    BreakingFree

    Answer by BreakingFree at 7:53 AM on Jun. 21, 2008

  • They have a common law relationship? Is that the rub for you, that they aren't married? If they were, would it be ok? That your daughter wants to call him Grandpa makes me think you must have enough of a positive relationship with your mom and her SO for your daughter to think of him as filling the requirements for a grandpa in her eyes. Are you withholding this title as a way to send a message to your mom? Is there something unresolved between the two of you? If so, I'd encourage you to revisit your position. If it isn't about Grandpa and your daughter, don't disguise what is really going on and make it about them.
    okiemom64

    Answer by okiemom64 at 8:20 AM on Jun. 21, 2008

  • wow i have the same problem here. my dad and mom got divorced and my mom is living with her new boyfriend but i honestly dont want my daughter call him grandpa at all, im teaching her to call him by his name.
    shantee32

    Answer by shantee32 at 3:10 PM on Jun. 21, 2008

  • No, I don't. My brother was a little annoyed when we didn't have our children call his live in "Aunt". Turns out, she dumped him and we don't see her anymore. I don't want them to get confused and then have to explain, "they didn't get a divorce, whatever" and, I don't want them to have an emotional, familial connection with someone who isn't family. When he got engaged, we let them call his fiance "Aunt". They were living together and it seemed like a good change they would follow through. I also didn't want my brother to think I though it was iffy. I realize they could have split but the message was, "they are going to be married so she WILL be your aunt" there is a commitment there.
    manna1qd

    Answer by manna1qd at 7:33 AM on Jun. 22, 2008

  • I do think this has more to do with what is going on between you, your husband, your mom and this "whatever he is". He is living with your mother for nine years. There seems to be a commitment there. If he is acting like a Granpa and they intend to be together forever, you are leaning on the letter of the law. Have you come up with an alternative name? If not, I understand why they would be upset. Sounds like you are avoiding that your attitude toward him is not one of family. If you have already made that clear, this is in line with that attitude. I don't think they should be surprised. Sounds like there needs to be some healing there and sometimes, having children around provides an opportunity to bring it.
    manna1qd

    Answer by manna1qd at 7:40 AM on Jun. 22, 2008

  • My granfather was a wonderful man but so is my grandmas husband. He is Poppy and would never try to take my Paps place.
    drowninginboys

    Answer by drowninginboys at 4:50 PM on Jun. 22, 2008

  • Has your daughter asked to call him Grandpa? My kids call my dads wife by her first name - just as I do. I think because thats what I call her they just follow my lead. I say lets go to Grandpa and *Lisa's house - so thats what they call her. So I would say if you just keep referring to him as him first name (or whatever you want her to call him) then she will most likely follow. Good Luck
    mc0504

    Answer by mc0504 at 11:12 AM on Jun. 25, 2008

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